SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption), however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

[Anonymous]

Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

[Anonymous]

Maybe it was too painful for them. It is really hard to watch people start families when you have been struggling for so long. Ever think about that is more about them than you?

[Anonymous]

It's too bad they went AWOL without giving some kind of reasoning--yet, they may have wanted to keep the process completely private, not had folks asking them about it, etc. There's a cost in family closeness to that. Maybe they didn't feel that close in the first place.

[Anonymous]

It’s just not about you.

If your brother and his wife were the only people who behaved this way while struggling with infertility issues, then yes, you could take offense. But they are not. It is so, so common for people to avoid and isolate and compartmentalize during these struggles—do you get that.

Be compassionate. The end. Life is long—if you prove loyal and discreet and trustworthy, they may open up to you and your family more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it was too painful for them. It is really hard to watch people start families when you have been struggling for so long. Ever think about that is more about them than you?

+1, you need to get over yourself OP, it’s not about you and your children

[Anonymous]

I don't know the pain of primary infertility so I can't know what they went through....I did go through secondary infertily, but after several IVF cycles I got pregnant again. I do wish people would talk about their infertility. Perhaps even saying, we are experiencing infertility, but do not wish to talk about it with you or anyone or give any details etc... I can respect that.

I wouldn't take their disregard for your kids personally. It was probably just too painful for them. I bet things will change now, but you never know.

[Anonymous]

And by the way? Nice headline, OP. Do you actually know that these are solely “SIL’s infertility issues,” or are you just laying that at her feet? It takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

I understand why OP would be upset by this. My brothers had kids before I was married. I desperately wanted to be married and have kids, but I wasn't even dating someone when they had kids.....still I was very much interested and loved their children. It wasn't a competition. Sometimes I was sad that circumstances were not different for me, but I still very much enjoyed and loved my nieces and nephews. I eventually got married and had kids too, but much later than they did.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with infertility for 6 years. We finally had twins via IVF. Those years of infertility were tough. While I couldn’t even get pregnant, most of my friends and siblings were having children of their own. However, I did spend time with my friends and their children because it’s the nice thing to do. You can’t shun people because they have children. I can understand not attending a baby shower, but regular family get togethers are different. Sometimes you have to suppress those deep seeded feelings of envy.

[Anonymous]

They did you a disservice by keeping their mouths shut when not attending the events. They came off as selfish, unfortunately.

Now, it turns out that they were suffering and trying to go it alone.

Give them (and you) the gift of letting it go.

If this happened to me, at some later date, I would say something about not trying to judge their choices, or in any way criticize, but they should know that I could be trusted with their secrets and would have been there for them. They will probably tell you that they didn't want to take away your joy or make it all about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

It makes sense to me that you would be hurt by this when it happened, but now that you know the reason they didn't come to see your babies and the struggles they were facing, it makes no sense that you "can't get past the complete disregard" for your happiness. I get that it hurt at the time but if you can't have empathy now that you know what they were going through, you are definitely overreacting. Or you're just selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption)[i][u], however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

They do have "their own kids" - these children who were adopted are their own, and if you want to be in these kids life, it might help to change the wording (and possibly the attitude that comes along with it)

As for the hurt you feel - I understand why you would be upset that they haven't met your kids, but try to be forgiving and understanding - that's what family members do when someone is going through a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

I am totally interested in my brother's kids. I don't love them like I love mine, but I do love them, care about their well-being, and like to have them visit.