How do you deal when no sex is the new normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guess what else is soul crushing? When your DH refuses to initiate because he fears rejection. Fears of this nature are not attractive.

When the person roles their eyes when you hug them. And only shows initiative when you bring up a desire for a divorce.. That initiative lasted maybe 2 months.

I promised to wait until my youngest graduated. The DW gets an easy life and an extra $$$ as my weath grows.

It just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

When and where? And spouses don’t know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

I have had a similar situation. Enjoy while you can.

Had? Did you get caught?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

I have had a similar situation. Enjoy while you can.

Had? Did you get caught?

No.. We originally agreed on not impacting our respective kids lives. She started getting jealous about my kids. I can not go into details. I ended it. She is in process of getting a divorce. We were very close. Being with someone that desires you and hugs you in return... initiated affection... We helped each other in ways that we both needed but ultimately I think that she wanted more than I could give without screwing up my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

When and where? And spouses don’t know?

When there is a will there is a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

When and where? And spouses don’t know?

When there is a will there is a way.

This is what I’ve found. While your spouse doesn’t even put in effort or is always not into it because if every excuse, its just they don’t want to.

If someone truly wants you they find a way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess what else is soul crushing? When your DH refuses to initiate because he fears rejection. Fears of this nature are not attractive.

When the person roles their eyes when you hug them. And only shows initiative when you bring up a desire for a divorce.. That initiative lasted maybe 2 months.

I promised to wait until my youngest graduated. The DW gets an easy life and an extra $$$ as my weath grows.

It just sucks.

Reclaim your sex life now. Open the marriage and find a new girlfriend. Why wait years until graduation? Life is too short to not have a satisfying sex life.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I’m on my second marriage. I’ve never been in a sexless marriage But I completely understand how they happen. I have been in situations where its not enough (I want daily/she wants weekly).

I’ve tried to keep this from happening by being someone a woman would want to have sex with. First, and this sounds cheezy, I stay sexy. I’m in the gym almost daily and I eat clean during the week. I also have a current hairstyle and am a sharp dresser. Next, I address any sexual performance issues with my doctor: ED, PE, etc, because life is too short for bad sex. Next, I learn what she likes and make sure she O’s EVERY time. This means using a vibe during doggy for us - fine. Last, I address and stay on top of any issues that could build resentment in my relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I’m on my second marriage. I’ve never been in a sexless marriage But I completely understand how they happen. I have been in situations where its not enough (I want daily/she wants weekly).

I’ve tried to keep this from happening by being someone a woman would want to have sex with. First, and this sounds cheezy, I stay sexy. I’m in the gym almost daily and I eat clean during the week. I also have a current hairstyle and am a sharp dresser. Next, I address any sexual performance issues with my doctor: ED, PE, etc, because life is too short for bad sex. Next, I learn what she likes and make sure she O’s EVERY time. This means using a vibe during doggy for us - fine. Last, I address and stay on top of any issues that could build resentment in my relationship.

Some of us do that. I hit the gym a lot and eat great. I don’t have PE or ED and I’m in great health. Modern haircut, clean shaven or a little stubble, form fitting clothes and muscular.

Sometimes that isn’t enough. Resentment builds when needs aren’t met. You can’t be the one who puts in the effort all the time
Ironically, it’s not my looks or attitude, I get interest from other women quite a bit ( and other men, just don’t go that way). Sometimes there just no chemistry

[Anonymous]

It depends. Is no sex what you both want. Are you comfortable and content to go on this way? If you want to restart things, it won't start in your bedroom. I think something to shock the system is required. You must push boundaries. TaKe a trip to hedonism. You don't have to participate in any of the activities but you won't be able to help seeing others and the desire is palpable. If that doesn't spark something, your sex life together is dead and buried. If either of you wants sex again, you will have to end the marriage or go outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand no sex when sex was fine the year before. Low sex drive women or men? I understand we don't all need or want intimacy like that as much as some people and might desire it more than other people. But, having good sex and then nothing? I say he/she is having an affair and making up BS to cover it. Sudden childhood issues surfacing? Nothing but BS. Ask most people who had this happen, and in most cases there is an affair.

It is because often, the sex was not "just fine" the year before. Some of us keep pain hidden for a long, long time. Some of us convince ourselves we are fine, when we are not. And then, sometimes we stop being able to be "fine". Sheesh, you really need to educate yourself on this issue. Go talk to a therapist. Read a book. You never know when you'll learn that it was your spouse, child, friend who has been through hell, but has been putting on the "I'm fine" face for too long. I hope you never have to experience that.

I have utmost empathy for what you have experienced. And survived. But, if you are hiding all this information from your future spouse/partner and he/she commits to life long journey with you, are you not deceiving them and in fact abusing their trust? They go into it without full information and then you are in fact becoming an abuser? But, they have to again be fully supportive of you and your struggle, even though you failed to mention that major part of intimacy, confidence, and other important needs and values in that marriage are not something you can fulfill? You keeping it hidden from your colleague, boss, casual friend, sure, that is fine and none of their business. You keeping this from your life long partner/spouse is absolutely not ok and is abusive. As people say, two wrongs, don't make a right.

[Anonymous]

My spouse did go into marriage knowing I had an abuse background. We had no idea how this would affect me years down the road. When memories and flashbacks came flooding back? Neither of us was prepared. I'm lucky though that he stayed by me, faithfully, lovingly, always looking to help me. Things are far better now.

While I do think full disclosure is best, it isn't always possible with this kind of stuff. It just isn't. Sometimes people don't remember things til years later. And men especially, don't want to admit they've been abused. The shame surrounding it is intense. Yes, it is painful for the spouse to have to go without sex or to have bad sex for a period of time. But I have to say, it doesn't really sound like many of the responders on this thread actually love their spouses. I'm not hearing any love at all. That's so sad for you to not be able to give love.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman married to a guy in the military. He served in Afghanistan. He saw friends blown up in front of him by IED's. Not surprisingly, he has serious PTSD. I knew I was marrying a military guy and this type of thing happens but never fully understood until he came home. We experienced serious marital difficulties. So I don't think one can say to an abuse victim that they should have disclosed or they are an abuser. Some people do disclose, like my spouse, but still try to hold it together. Marriage is long and brings lots of pain. If you can't handle that, if you can't handle sacrificing for long periods of time for your spouse, you shouldn't get married. Not saying a spouse doesn't need to work on themselves but marriage is all about love and acceptance and sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman married to a guy in the military. He served in Afghanistan. He saw friends blown up in front of him by IED's. Not surprisingly, he has serious PTSD. I knew I was marrying a military guy and this type of thing happens but never fully understood until he came home. We experienced serious marital difficulties. So I don't think one can say to an abuse victim that they should have disclosed or they are an abuser. Some people do disclose, like my spouse, but still try to hold it together. Marriage is long and brings lots of pain. If you can't handle that, if you can't handle sacrificing for long periods of time for your spouse, you shouldn't get married. Not saying a spouse doesn't need to work on themselves but marriage is all about love and acceptance and sacrifice.

Man here. Cyber hug for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I’m on my second marriage. I’ve never been in a sexless marriage But I completely understand how they happen. I have been in situations where its not enough (I want daily/she wants weekly).

I’ve tried to keep this from happening by being someone a woman would want to have sex with. First, and this sounds cheezy, I stay sexy. I’m in the gym almost daily and I eat clean during the week. I also have a current hairstyle and am a sharp dresser. Next, I address any sexual performance issues with my doctor: ED, PE, etc, because life is too short for bad sex. Next, I learn what she likes and make sure she O’s EVERY time. This means using a vibe during doggy for us - fine. Last, I address and stay on top of any issues that could build resentment in my relationship.

Some of us do that. I hit the gym a lot and eat great. I don’t have PE or ED and I’m in great health. Modern haircut, clean shaven or a little stubble, form fitting clothes and muscular.

Sometimes that isn’t enough. Resentment builds when needs aren’t met. You can’t be the one who puts in the effort all the time
Ironically, it’s not my looks or attitude, I get interest from other women quite a bit ( and other men, just don’t go that way). Sometimes there just no chemistry

Resentment does build in marriages when needs aren't met. The man who won't do his share of the household chores including the kids is the biggest I hear. I currently have a friend who is divorcing a guy that looks like Thor. After being around him 3 times I could see why. He isn't responsible and quite the airhead. A successful marriage means compromise, and meeting your partner half way. No one thing holds it together, more like many.