How do you deal when no sex is the new normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.

You can’t force or negotiate attraction. If she’s lost it you’re pretty much toast and it’s an indication she’s having or will have an affair

[Anonymous]

Option 4: open marriage. Ethical non-monogamy seems to be all the rage among the millennials. We all get our strange and then come home to our partners.

[Anonymous]

I held on for far too long before divorcing. I thought it was unfair to the kids to "destroy the family" over this issue. I thought the rest of our life worked reasonably well.

It just wasn't true. Ex-DH was not a true partner and being roommates who tried to parent together wasn't really happening so well either. What was true was that he did not care about my opinions on things (like wanting intimacy) because he was incapable of connecting and being a partner to a level that's healthy.

I divorced thinking I'd rather be alone than in that situation and did not assume I would remarry.

I ended up remarrying and am happier than I ever could have imagined. I worked on myself during and after the first marriage and found that there are other healthy people out there (while imperfect) who are ready to go all in and go at it. Current DH and I have been together quite a few years and are still lusty like hell. It's amazing. I can't believe I settled for less.

It's not just the orgasms, as someone else posted. It's the intimacy and the feeling valued and connected.

The kids hopefully have no idea about the sex, but I'm sure they can see the difference in the kind of relationship we have vs what I had with their father. This is the kind of relationship I want to model for them. I would never want them to have the kind of marriage I had before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: open marriage. Ethical non-monogamy seems to be all the rage among the millennials. We all get our strange and then come home to our partners.

Not really. You are no different than the hysterical poster last week swearing all the teen girls are gender neutral. Some people are openly polygamous and more people are accepting of it than in the past, but it is not “all the rage”. Millennials are actually having less sex than their parents and grandparents did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: open marriage. Ethical non-monogamy seems to be all the rage among the millennials. We all get our strange and then come home to our partners.

So many people consider this out of desperation. Is it increasingly popular? Maybe. But it often does not work and creates more problems than it solves.

If you're someone who truly cannot be satisfied by monogamy and your partner feels the same way, great, maybe open marriage is for you. But many people in sexless (or low sex) marriages don't want an open marriage, what they really want is a partner who desires them and wants to have sex with them. An open marriage is a release valve of sorts (in theory) but it doesn't truly solve the underlying problem. And then on top of it you have the complications of jealousy, having more than one relationship to maintain, etc. It rarely works out as hoped or expected. Lots of unintended consequences. One of them is that if the sex is good you hate your own marriage and life worse than before.

Often the "open marriage" is really the last phase of bargaining someone does to try to stay in a bad marriage. Then they leave and in hindsight realize they should have just left earlier, not prolonged the situation with desperate measures.

[Anonymous]

Man here, I chose Affair and don't regret it. Couple of notes:

My wife totally lost her libido after kids came and it lasted years. We had plenty of talks about it. Nothing helped. I found someone (a couple of someones) in similar situations. It was fun, and it definitely helped. Unless you have BTDT, you have no idea how soul destroying sexual rejection is. Having an AP reaffirms your belief in joy.

But, always a but, APs got very attached. One divorced, the other probably will but thankfully she moved far away. I know there are a few women who can have sex without getting attached but they are rare. Be careful because feelings develop then it gets complicated.

My wife regained her mojo (a little at least) and we are back on track. She has no clue, I was careful, and our marriage is great now, and intact family.

I totally recommend against declaring your marriage open. No one will agree to that. Might as well get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.

There are strong psychological reasons for trauma issues not showing up early on in a relationship. Sometimes people are so in love, that overrides the traumatic reactions. Sometimes people are successful in pushing trauma away for a long time. Often the birth of children brings up a lot of issues for people. And sometimes it takes the security and stability of a loving marriage for people to allow their walls to come down.
For me, I was sexually abused as a kid. I was aware of some of the ways this affected me, but not all. It took 5 years into our marriage for things to hit really hard. Put it this way, I had trouble changing my own kids' diapers because even though I knew it was necessary and caretaking to do so, I could not stop the feeling that I was somehow violating them by changing diapers. I know it might sound crazy, but that's how I felt. It was awful. Sex is iffy for me. I work really hard at being a good sport and focusing on loving my spouse during sex. But he's had to also work hard at understanding my issues. There are some things I just can't do. And my whole "wiring" is kind of off. We've had to be really patient and kind to eachother. It has helped that no matter what, I have committed to once a week sex at minimum. And if I'm able, I'll offer a BJ or something similar where I can. I try to be enthusiastic even if I'm not.

I guess I just wanted to throw that out there because men have trauma histories too. Something like 20-30% of all men have been sexually abused/assaulted/raped and something like 30%+ of all women have been abused or assaulted/raped. It really is not just people making excuses. There are lifelong consequences to this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. I can't be married and have no sex. If you can, good for you, or too bad for you. Me, no. I crave it, want it with my husband. Whom I desire and would feel unloved, undesirable without sex, initiated by him and me. It has nothing to do on " doing it on your own." It is a need for intimacy with my husband, not with a toy. Even going for over a week, even so busy, would make me resentful and upset. And I don't want to be resentful and upset. I would start disliking him, wondering what if wrong with him and me, and if he said that sex if not in the cards anymore, I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Guess what else is soul crushing? When your DH refuses to initiate because he fears rejection. Fears of this nature are not attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.

There are strong psychological reasons for trauma issues not showing up early on in a relationship. Sometimes people are so in love, that overrides the traumatic reactions. Sometimes people are successful in pushing trauma away for a long time. Often the birth of children brings up a lot of issues for people. And sometimes it takes the security and stability of a loving marriage for people to allow their walls to come down.
For me, I was sexually abused as a kid. I was aware of some of the ways this affected me, but not all. It took 5 years into our marriage for things to hit really hard. Put it this way, I had trouble changing my own kids' diapers because even though I knew it was necessary and caretaking to do so, I could not stop the feeling that I was somehow violating them by changing diapers. I know it might sound crazy, but that's how I felt. It was awful. Sex is iffy for me. I work really hard at being a good sport and focusing on loving my spouse during sex. But he's had to also work hard at understanding my issues. There are some things I just can't do. And my whole "wiring" is kind of off. We've had to be really patient and kind to eachother. It has helped that no matter what, I have committed to once a week sex at minimum. And if I'm able, I'll offer a BJ or something similar where I can. I try to be enthusiastic even if I'm not.

I guess I just wanted to throw that out there because men have trauma histories too. Something like 20-30% of all men have been sexually abused/assaulted/raped and something like 30%+ of all women have been abused or assaulted/raped. It really is not just people making excuses. There are lifelong consequences to this stuff.

Great explanation. My personal experience with buried psychological issues is non-sexual but shows how life events can trigger buried feelings: My dad left our family (affair then divorce then married the AP) when I was very young. I grew up thinking it didn't bother me very much. However, when my son reached the age I had been when my dad left, I realized I was *very* angry about the whole thing. I think I minimized the issue when it was mistreatment of me, but for some reason when I had a kid and then I thought about my dad leaving us, somehow it felt like he was mistreating my son rather than mistreating me, and I experienced the anger that had probably been buried there all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guess what else is soul crushing? When your DH refuses to initiate because he fears rejection. Fears of this nature are not attractive.

If DH fears rejection without reason, that's on him. If he fears rejection because you've rejected him, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess what else is soul crushing? When your DH refuses to initiate because he fears rejection. Fears of this nature are not attractive.

If DH fears rejection without reason, that's on him. If he fears rejection because you've rejected him, that's on you.

I assure you it’s on him. It’s a lifelong characteristic not exclusive to me. Sad too because he’s very handsome. If we got divorced the next one would have to do all of the initiating. His ego bruises easily which is also not attractive unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

[Anonymous]

Question here: 50 years old and have never in my life hit on a married woman, nor has a married woman ever hit on me. I'm probably an 8 on the 10 scale and not married.

So how do these affairs start? Do men actually hit on women they know are married, or are the women initiating these things? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here: 50 years old and have never in my life hit on a married woman, nor has a married woman ever hit on me. I'm probably an 8 on the 10 scale and not married.

So how do these affairs start? Do men actually hit on women they know are married, or are the women initiating these things? Serious question.

For me, it was just natural chemistry. I would be playful and flirtatious with women I found attractive and over the course of weeks it progressed.

I have been hit on and propositioned by single and married women but it's rare.

If you are an 8 out of 10 and have confidence and can turn a woman on with laughter and flirtation you will find many women interested, even those not considering an affair