How do you deal when no sex is the new normal?

[Anonymous]

DH and I went through a phase of about three years, give or take, of no sex. I've initiated to no effect at all. It turned out that he had MS (which is since under control), and also a long-term affair (which I didn't know about). The way I dealt was by disengaging from him at that level. What I mean by this is I have arrived at the point where I see him as a completely separate, autonomous person who owes me no sexual favors. If he doesn't want sex with me, he's entitled to it. I can't pressure him to have sex with me, and won't. But - this is very important - his opinion of me as a sexual (or not) being has no effect on how I feel about myself. My self-esteem, well being and sexuality are not at all dependent on what he thinks, says or does. If I'm sexy, I'm sexy, his opinion doesn't change that. When he began to be interested in me sexually again, it similarly did not change the way I feel about myself. My soul is not crushed because no man has this power. I exist separately from my reflection in his eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.

There are strong psychological reasons for trauma issues not showing up early on in a relationship. Sometimes people are so in love, that overrides the traumatic reactions. Sometimes people are successful in pushing trauma away for a long time. Often the birth of children brings up a lot of issues for people. And sometimes it takes the security and stability of a loving marriage for people to allow their walls to come down.
For me, I was sexually abused as a kid. I was aware of some of the ways this affected me, but not all. It took 5 years into our marriage for things to hit really hard. Put it this way, I had trouble changing my own kids' diapers because even though I knew it was necessary and caretaking to do so, I could not stop the feeling that I was somehow violating them by changing diapers. I know it might sound crazy, but that's how I felt. It was awful. Sex is iffy for me. I work really hard at being a good sport and focusing on loving my spouse during sex. But he's had to also work hard at understanding my issues. There are some things I just can't do. And my whole "wiring" is kind of off. We've had to be really patient and kind to eachother. It has helped that no matter what, I have committed to once a week sex at minimum. And if I'm able, I'll offer a BJ or something similar where I can. I try to be enthusiastic even if I'm not.

I guess I just wanted to throw that out there because men have trauma histories too. Something like 20-30% of all men have been sexually abused/assaulted/raped and something like 30%+ of all women have been abused or assaulted/raped. It really is not just people making excuses. There are lifelong consequences to this stuff.

That is a very elaborate story, and no matter how you spin it, regardless of intention, it is still a bait-and-switch for which the only fair thing is to open the marriage while you work through your sexual issues in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand no sex when sex was fine the year before. Low sex drive women or men? I understand we don't all need or want intimacy like that as much as some people and might desire it more than other people. But, having good sex and then nothing? I say he/she is having an affair and making up BS to cover it. Sudden childhood issues surfacing? Nothing but BS. Ask most people who had this happen, and in most cases there is an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH and I went through a phase of about three years, give or take, of no sex. I've initiated to no effect at all. It turned out that he had MS (which is since under control), and also a long-term affair (which I didn't know about). The way I dealt was by disengaging from him at that level. What I mean by this is I have arrived at the point where I see him as a completely separate, autonomous person who owes me no sexual favors. If he doesn't want sex with me, he's entitled to it. I can't pressure him to have sex with me, and won't. But - this is very important - his opinion of me as a sexual (or not) being has no effect on how I feel about myself. My self-esteem, well being and sexuality are not at all dependent on what he thinks, says or does. If I'm sexy, I'm sexy, his opinion doesn't change that. When he began to be interested in me sexually again, it similarly did not change the way I feel about myself. My soul is not crushed because no man has this power. I exist separately from my reflection in his eyes.

That is nothing but you trying to cope with him cheating. I guess you wanted to stay married, maybe he earns a lot of money, maybe you are willing to forgive him. Actually all your rationalizing is extremely sad. You are emotionally abused person, who is pretending she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here: 50 years old and have never in my life hit on a married woman, nor has a married woman ever hit on me. I'm probably an 8 on the 10 scale and not married.

So how do these affairs start? Do men actually hit on women they know are married, or are the women initiating these things? Serious question.

Formerly married woman here, a little older than you.

I had a brief fling (not really an affair) with a guy I met online, in an AOL chat room (dating myself there!) who literally flew across the country to spend a weekend in my area and we met up at his hotel, went out to eat, played pool (one of his favorite activities that i also enjoy) and had some great sex, actually got together two days in a row, then never saw each other again. We were both married at the time. My marriage had been sex-free for years at that point. (BTW, I had another online friend, military office stationed at the Pentagon, do a background check on him before I met with him, just to make sure he was who he said he was mostly.)

Interestingly, a different married guy I had been chatting with a lot online at that time told me that if I would cheat on my husband it was time to end the marriage. I agreed with him and started proceedings to do just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here: 50 years old and have never in my life hit on a married woman, nor has a married woman ever hit on me. I'm probably an 8 on the 10 scale and not married.

So how do these affairs start? Do men actually hit on women they know are married, or are the women initiating these things? Serious question.

No, women do not often initiate anything sexual. Nonetheless, married women are soooo easy! If she has a ring on, you automatically know she's bored out of her mind with a familiar husband that no longer excites her. She knows all of his moves, is totally unattracted, and does her best to avoid sex. Sucks for him, but that's your opening! Just show her a tiny bit of male attention... she will respond with great interest.

And don't feel bad for her DH because this same principal applies to him: with a tiny bit of effort, he can easily attract a married woman (just not his own wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH and I went through a phase of about three years, give or take, of no sex. I've initiated to no effect at all. It turned out that he had MS (which is since under control), and also a long-term affair (which I didn't know about). The way I dealt was by disengaging from him at that level. What I mean by this is I have arrived at the point where I see him as a completely separate, autonomous person who owes me no sexual favors. If he doesn't want sex with me, he's entitled to it. I can't pressure him to have sex with me, and won't. But - this is very important - his opinion of me as a sexual (or not) being has no effect on how I feel about myself. My self-esteem, well being and sexuality are not at all dependent on what he thinks, says or does. If I'm sexy, I'm sexy, his opinion doesn't change that. When he began to be interested in me sexually again, it similarly did not change the way I feel about myself. My soul is not crushed because no man has this power. I exist separately from my reflection in his eyes.

That is nothing but you trying to cope with him cheating. I guess you wanted to stay married, maybe he earns a lot of money, maybe you are willing to forgive him. Actually all your rationalizing is extremely sad. You are emotionally abused person, who is pretending she is not.

I felt this way before his cheating came to light. Life is not as simple as you think, and you don't understand it half as much as you think you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here: 50 years old and have never in my life hit on a married woman, nor has a married woman ever hit on me. I'm probably an 8 on the 10 scale and not married.

So how do these affairs start? Do men actually hit on women they know are married, or are the women initiating these things? Serious question.

I'm curious about this too. There have been a couple of responses, but neither was necessarily clear about who was hitting on who. There was "natural chemistry" and there was "chatting." Sex never "just happens." One or both people have to take affirmative action toward their desire to have sex with the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.

There are strong psychological reasons for trauma issues not showing up early on in a relationship. Sometimes people are so in love, that overrides the traumatic reactions. Sometimes people are successful in pushing trauma away for a long time. Often the birth of children brings up a lot of issues for people. And sometimes it takes the security and stability of a loving marriage for people to allow their walls to come down.
For me, I was sexually abused as a kid. I was aware of some of the ways this affected me, but not all. It took 5 years into our marriage for things to hit really hard. Put it this way, I had trouble changing my own kids' diapers because even though I knew it was necessary and caretaking to do so, I could not stop the feeling that I was somehow violating them by changing diapers. I know it might sound crazy, but that's how I felt. It was awful. Sex is iffy for me. I work really hard at being a good sport and focusing on loving my spouse during sex. But he's had to also work hard at understanding my issues. There are some things I just can't do. And my whole "wiring" is kind of off. We've had to be really patient and kind to eachother. It has helped that no matter what, I have committed to once a week sex at minimum. And if I'm able, I'll offer a BJ or something similar where I can. I try to be enthusiastic even if I'm not.

I guess I just wanted to throw that out there because men have trauma histories too. Something like 20-30% of all men have been sexually abused/assaulted/raped and something like 30%+ of all women have been abused or assaulted/raped. It really is not just people making excuses. There are lifelong consequences to this stuff.

That is a very elaborate story, and no matter how you spin it, regardless of intention, it is still a bait-and-switch for which the only fair thing is to open the marriage while you work through your sexual issues in therapy.

Bait and switch? Seriously? So, when he didn't take care of himself for years and ended up with a 5 figure medical bill, uncovered by insurance, would you say the same thing? Should I have had an affair while he worked a second job to pay off his bill? Or when he quit his job early in our marriage, while I was newly pregnant, and leaving us with no health insurance, should I have divorced him? No. Love doesn't do that. I don't think anyone should have to deal with no sex forever. But plenty of people don't have sex at all or hardly at all when they have young children at home. Or when a spouse takes ill. Or for many other reasons. Believe me, I didn't choose to have my parents molest me. I didn't choose to have a neighbor hold a lighter over me, threatening to burn me if I said a word while he jacked off on me when I was 11 years old. This was NOT bait and switch. This was ME, a human woman, coming to terms with extreme abuse, within the context of a the steady, solid, love of a man who is and was kind and faithful to me. I was not waiting around going "aha, I have him now, now I'm going to make him suffer". No, I was curled up like a ball in the bathroom crying at 3 a.m. because I was having flashbacks.

You are not a good person. Please work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand no sex when sex was fine the year before. Low sex drive women or men? I understand we don't all need or want intimacy like that as much as some people and might desire it more than other people. But, having good sex and then nothing? I say he/she is having an affair and making up BS to cover it. Sudden childhood issues surfacing? Nothing but BS. Ask most people who had this happen, and in most cases there is an affair.

It is because often, the sex was not "just fine" the year before. Some of us keep pain hidden for a long, long time. Some of us convince ourselves we are fine, when we are not. And then, sometimes we stop being able to be "fine". Sheesh, you really need to educate yourself on this issue. Go talk to a therapist. Read a book. You never know when you'll learn that it was your spouse, child, friend who has been through hell, but has been putting on the "I'm fine" face for too long. I hope you never have to experience that.

[Anonymous]

I’ve disengaged. I’m just no longer interested in what my spouse says or does honestly. I’ve emotionally lived on. I used to get upset and have now just accepted it as the new normal. I’ll continue to do my own thing and what I want without asking or telling. Since I feel no obligation or interest. It’s hard at first, then it eventually gets “easier” for lack of am ether word.

Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t want sex, I do. A lot. It’s gotten to the point where I will no longer try to start something. I’m focusing on other things and if someone comes along that is available I’ll pursue that as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH and I went through a phase of about three years, give or take, of no sex. I've initiated to no effect at all. It turned out that he had MS (which is since under control), and also a long-term affair (which I didn't know about). The way I dealt was by disengaging from him at that level. What I mean by this is I have arrived at the point where I see him as a completely separate, autonomous person who owes me no sexual favors. If he doesn't want sex with me, he's entitled to it. I can't pressure him to have sex with me, and won't. But - this is very important - his opinion of me as a sexual (or not) being has no effect on how I feel about myself. My self-esteem, well being and sexuality are not at all dependent on what he thinks, says or does. If I'm sexy, I'm sexy, his opinion doesn't change that. When he began to be interested in me sexually again, it similarly did not change the way I feel about myself. My soul is not crushed because no man has this power. I exist separately from my reflection in his eyes.

That is nothing but you trying to cope with him cheating. I guess you wanted to stay married, maybe he earns a lot of money, maybe you are willing to forgive him. Actually all your rationalizing is extremely sad. You are emotionally abused person, who is pretending she is not.

I felt this way before his cheating came to light. Life is not as simple as you think, and you don't understand it half as much as you think you do.

+1 from a BTDT NP.

[Anonymous]

Hookers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand no sex when sex was fine the year before. Low sex drive women or men? I understand we don't all need or want intimacy like that as much as some people and might desire it more than other people. But, having good sex and then nothing? I say he/she is having an affair and making up BS to cover it. Sudden childhood issues surfacing? Nothing but BS. Ask most people who had this happen, and in most cases there is an affair.

It is because often, the sex was not "just fine" the year before. Some of us keep pain hidden for a long, long time. Some of us convince ourselves we are fine, when we are not. And then, sometimes we stop being able to be "fine". Sheesh, you really need to educate yourself on this issue. Go talk to a therapist. Read a book. You never know when you'll learn that it was your spouse, child, friend who has been through hell, but has been putting on the "I'm fine" face for too long. I hope you never have to experience that.

While you get sorted out, what’s the big deal in acknowledging your spouses needs with a well deserved hall pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

I have had a similar situation. Enjoy while you can.