How do you deal when no sex is the new normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The kids hopefully have no idea about the sex, but I'm sure they can see the difference in the kind of relationship we have vs what I had with their father. This is the kind of relationship I want to model for them. I would never want them to have the kind of marriage I had before.

LOL. Your kids actually do not want to see you with the glow of hot sex with someone who isn't their father. Believe me, my parents divorced and I know. If anything your kids would want to not see any physical affection between you and whatever new people you bring around.

This "modeling a relationship" stuff is such nonsense. There has never been a kid who looked at one of their parents head over heels with some new person and said "gee, this is really a positive learning experience for me"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman married to a guy in the military. He served in Afghanistan. He saw friends blown up in front of him by IED's. Not surprisingly, he has serious PTSD. I knew I was marrying a military guy and this type of thing happens but never fully understood until he came home. We experienced serious marital difficulties. So I don't think one can say to an abuse victim that they should have disclosed or they are an abuser. Some people do disclose, like my spouse, but still try to hold it together. Marriage is long and brings lots of pain. If you can't handle that, if you can't handle sacrificing for long periods of time for your spouse, you shouldn't get married. Not saying a spouse doesn't need to work on themselves but marriage is all about love and acceptance and sacrifice.

Man here. Cyber hug for you.

Aww, thanks. I should have added that I am totally in love with my husband. It has been hard to see him suffering. He really struggles with emotions. We've been lucky in that he's been willing to go to therapy and take meds and not all army guys will do that. The waking up screaming in the night in cold sweats has gotten better and his flashbacks have gotten better. It hasn't been a picnic living with me either. We all have our shit to deal with.

[Anonymous]

It's really tough, OP. Have not had sex with DH for... let me see, eight months now?

He was abused as a child. He has admitted being abused physically and emotionally. My guess is that he was abused sexually too, though he has never acknowledged it. (I am guessing that because he has some weird body image and sexual issues). He has struggled throughout his life with anger and depression, and his anger and mood swings have been really tough on our marriage. He is finally seeing a therapist and on anti-depressants. This has helped his mod swings, but our sex life, already fraught, is now virtually non-existent.

I am really struggling. I love him and I guess I feel like I can be patient for a while, but I am not sure how long a "while" is or should be. A year, sure. Two? Probably. Three? Maybe. Ten years? Probably not. But I guess for now I am just taking it one day at a time: glad he is finally getting help; hoping eventually this will improve. Will just have to reassess over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really tough, OP. Have not had sex with DH for... let me see, eight months now?

He was abused as a child. He has admitted being abused physically and emotionally. My guess is that he was abused sexually too, though he has never acknowledged it. (I am guessing that because he has some weird body image and sexual issues). He has struggled throughout his life with anger and depression, and his anger and mood swings have been really tough on our marriage. He is finally seeing a therapist and on anti-depressants. This has helped his mod swings, but our sex life, already fraught, is now virtually non-existent.

I am really struggling. I love him and I guess I feel like I can be patient for a while, but I am not sure how long a "while" is or should be. A year, sure. Two? Probably. Three? Maybe. Ten years? Probably not. But I guess for now I am just taking it one day at a time: glad he is finally getting help; hoping eventually this will improve. Will just have to reassess over time.

I'm the wife who posted earlier re: being sexually abused. I can hear your love for your spouse and how you are putting his needs ahead of your own for a time and I think this is really amazing and beautiful (sorry, I know that is cheesy). I can really get that it might be too hard to go without sex forever and that might not work. But giving it a few years? Absolutely. I really hope your spouse continues to get help and something works out for you both. Good luck. Things got better for me and my husband. It isn't perfect, but it is much better, much more frequent. And I don't feel like I'm dying inside every time he touches me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Take even this rare case of a person who, after a sexually active courtship, many years later “discovers” some prior abuse/trauma that prevents normal sexlife (but amazingly in all other aspects they live symptom free). There is no good reason for that person to not issue a hall pass while they work through their issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take even this rare case of a person who, after a sexually active courtship, many years later “discovers” some prior abuse/trauma that prevents normal sexlife (but amazingly in all other aspects they live symptom free). There is no good reason for that person to not issue a hall pass while they work through their issues.

I was thinking the same thing. Asking someone to be patient for months or a year is one thing but years and years is cruel. A loving spouse who couldn't meet their spouses sexual needs would offer DADT at a minimum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take even this rare case of a person who, after a sexually active courtship, many years later “discovers” some prior abuse/trauma that prevents normal sexlife (but amazingly in all other aspects they live symptom free). There is no good reason for that person to not issue a hall pass while they work through their issues.

I was thinking the same thing. Asking someone to be patient for months or a year is one thing but years and years is cruel. A loving spouse who couldn't meet their spouses sexual needs would offer DADT at a minimum

How about when your spouse didn’t go through that and just doesn’t want sex? I mean doesn’t want sex with you more accurately. I’ve decided to issue my own hall pass, I’m not going to live the life of a monk or nun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The kids hopefully have no idea about the sex, but I'm sure they can see the difference in the kind of relationship we have vs what I had with their father. This is the kind of relationship I want to model for them. I would never want them to have the kind of marriage I had before.

LOL. Your kids actually do not want to see you with the glow of hot sex with someone who isn't their father. Believe me, my parents divorced and I know. If anything your kids would want to not see any physical affection between you and whatever new people you bring around.

This "modeling a relationship" stuff is such nonsense. There has never been a kid who looked at one of their parents head over heels with some new person and said "gee, this is really a positive learning experience for me"

So true.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your husband and my wife should get together. In my 40's and frustrated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. Is no sex what you both want. Are you comfortable and content to go on this way? If you want to restart things, it won't start in your bedroom. I think something to shock the system is required. You must push boundaries. TaKe a trip to hedonism. You don't have to participate in any of the activities but you won't be able to help seeing others and the desire is palpable. If that doesn't spark something, your sex life together is dead and buried. If either of you wants sex again, you will have to end the marriage or go outside the marriage.

Woman here. Watching porn, especially if I think my DH expects a porn star and porn show act every time, kills my desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. Is no sex what you both want. Are you comfortable and content to go on this way? If you want to restart things, it won't start in your bedroom. I think something to shock the system is required. You must push boundaries. TaKe a trip to hedonism. You don't have to participate in any of the activities but you won't be able to help seeing others and the desire is palpable. If that doesn't spark something, your sex life together is dead and buried. If either of you wants sex again, you will have to end the marriage or go outside the marriage.

I don't think you need to take a trip to hedonism to create a spark. You just need to mix things up in terms of locations, positions and other fun things but stay in your comfort zone. I'm a pretty conservative person but I've grown to really love sex outside the bedroom and to try new positions to find bigger O's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of unhappiness and my DH refusing to consider a sex therapist or open marriage I'm in an affair.

AP and I built on a close friendship where we were trusting and open about the pain of sex ending in our marriages.

We have wonderful sex, a great friendship, and deep love. Our spouses have the lifestyles they were used to and our kids have intact homes.

It's the first time I've been truly happy in the years since DH's sexual abandonment.

When and where? And spouses don’t know?

We have sex about once per week in various hotels (more accurately, 2-3 times on one day per week). Sometimes it's a weekend morning. Sometimes we'll free up a few hours during the work week, like 10-1pm. We also arrange to synchronize work trips together. We don't work together or even in the same field but we both need to go to the same cities fairly often. In the past year we've coordinated five business trips.

When either of our spouses travel we find more time.

Spouses have no idea. We're very discreet.