How do you deal when no sex is the new normal?

[Anonymous]

It’s jist gotten to the point where I don’t see any sexual relationship occurring again. The new normal is no sex and I feel hurt and frustrated. I know the options:
Affair
Divorce
Acceptance

Obviously non of them are ideal. Curious to see why others have done

[Anonymous]

Your spouse has decided they no longer value you as a partner. Time to move on

[Anonymous]

This question has been asked a bazillion times on DCUM and I don't think anyone's come up with any other answers than the three you listed.

[Anonymous]

What have YOU done to right the ship? What others have done and what’s going to be right for you might depend on that answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s jist gotten to the point where I don’t see any sexual relationship occurring again. The new normal is no sex and I feel hurt and frustrated. I know the options:
Affair
Divorce
Acceptance

Obviously non of them are ideal. Curious to see why others have done

Woman here, Dh has sex with me once a year, and we end up being so surprised by it, it is kind of clumsy and sad.. We are both in our late thirties healthy thin and very reasonably attractive. Dh promises his libido will come back, he is just so tired with our young kids blablabla .. Anyway that was the context. Back to your question : I want him to accept an open marriage or go to a sex therapist. Either he proves he is trying to change things or he lets me have a sex life..

I haven't pushed the ultimatum yet. Our life is so crazy busy I don't want our rare quality time to be about that (or I am too lazy/coward?). But my deadline is this coming December ..

[Anonymous]

What I did was tolerated it until my kids were out of high school, then I left. I was in my early 40s, I had some pretty great sex and a few good relationships post-divorce. He pretty much went on not having sex, as far as I can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here, Dh has sex with me once a year, and we end up being so surprised by it, it is kind of clumsy and sad.. We are both in our late thirties healthy thin and very reasonably attractive. Dh promises his libido will come back, he is just so tired with our young kids blablabla .. Anyway that was the context. Back to your question : I want him to accept an open marriage or go to a sex therapist. Either he proves he is trying to change things or he lets me have a sex life..

I haven't pushed the ultimatum yet. Our life is so crazy busy I don't want our rare quality time to be about that (or I am too lazy/coward?). But my deadline is this coming December ..

I wish I could meet a woman like you where we could have fun while solving both of our problems (albeit temporary). Do you enjoy French food?

[Anonymous]

I deal very well, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s jist gotten to the point where I don’t see any sexual relationship occurring again. The new normal is no sex and I feel hurt and frustrated. I know the options:
Affair
Divorce
Acceptance

Obviously non of them are ideal. Curious to see why others have done

That last one, acceptance, is not a legitimate option.
Instead of an affair, simply inform your spouse the marriage is Open.

[Anonymous]

Why not consult the 9682 other posts on this topic before creating it again.

[Anonymous]

I no longer view my wife as a sexual partner anymore. It’s just gone.

So I am opting for your second option before the first one takes place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s jist gotten to the point where I don’t see any sexual relationship occurring again. The new normal is no sex and I feel hurt and frustrated. I know the options:
Affair
Divorce
Acceptance

Obviously non of them are ideal. Curious to see why others have done

For me, Maybe once every 3-4 years is sad.

Acceptance Is soul crushing.

I was pursued by someone else in a similar situation. It was natural except that it was was not. We clicked and were very sexually compatible . It was fun. But our initial ground rules were that our respective kids come first. She changed that and started to get jealous of them. We broke up and she is now getting divorced. As for now, I am waiting until my youngest graduates from high school. 5 more years. . The issues with having an affair.. if you really like the person you will want to spend more time with them every way doing everything. You can’t do that with your AP. The limitation of an affair adds Stress when the relationship wants to
Grow and it can’t.

I met someone that I click with. We are just starting to get to know each other. She lives in a different city. Not sure if she is important enough to change my plan. We will see.

[Anonymous]

One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is important to consider: when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female. And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years. Years. A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.