When did you know you were ready to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just found this forum so I don’t know where to post this. When did you know you were ready to start a family?

I just got back from my ob and she gave me a mini lecture that now is the time to start trying given my age and PCOS. My husband and I do want kids but it has always been later when we’re older thing. We’ve been married now for 5 years and have focused on our careers given we both were in school a while longer for masters/PhD programs. I guess that time has come but i don’t know. Did anyone know?

Or is it really cliche- you’re never really ready but now is as good a time as any?

If your husband contributes to running the household and does not have to be reminded to pick up after himself, the dog, the guests, etc. and you have good 50/50 teamwork, go for it.
But, if you are doing everything and all he does is work, go out to dinner, watch TV, sleep or gym, start asking some tough questions on how child raising will be handled. If he has unrealistic expectations that is a disaster.

"The magic fairy does it all"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could end up like me. I waited until I was ready to have kids. I became ready at 39 when I had saves enough. I blew most of the savings on IVF.

Ditto but started trying just before I turned 37. I wouldn't wish the heartbreak of this process on my worst enemy

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

there are those childless bubbles that can give you a very misleading impression on when it is time to have kids. the reality is that a vast majority of people/women your age have finished - rather than not even started - their childbearing. but you might not be seeing it because you live in an extreme bubble. and the reality is that several people from those bubble (not you, necessarily) will experience significant difficulties (medical, financial) on their road to having children.

i went through this myself and i was one of the lucky ones. i spent a lot of time getting a phd, and nobody in my program (i.e. all my colleagues) and majority of female professors didn't have kids. add to this that i naturally gravitated toward childless friends, that my much older brother hasn't had kids yet and i started trying at age 37. i was lucky that it all worked our pretty easily but i have several friends/colleagues who have struggled.

my advice is to jump on this immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

[Anonymous]

OP I don't get it. If oh are so worried about the future financial impact.....have you not done any thinking about how the longer you wait, the (much) more likely it is you'll need IVF (or more) which comes with crazy expenses???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

there are those childless bubbles that can give you a very misleading impression on when it is time to have kids. the reality is that a vast majority of people/women your age have finished - rather than not even started - their childbearing. but you might not be seeing it because you live in an extreme bubble. and the reality is that several people from those bubble (not you, necessarily) will experience significant difficulties (medical, financial) on their road to having children.

i went through this myself and i was one of the lucky ones. i spent a lot of time getting a phd, and nobody in my program (i.e. all my colleagues) and majority of female professors didn't have kids. add to this that i naturally gravitated toward childless friends, that my much older brother hasn't had kids yet and i started trying at age 37. i was lucky that it all worked our pretty easily but i have several friends/colleagues who have struggled.

my advice is to jump on this immediately.

Big +1 to this. You said your friends are "just starting" to have kids. Well guess what, that means they actually started at least a year ago, maybe more. And if your other friends do want kids (do you know this?), there's every good chance some of them are already trying/struggling, and/or that some of them will be undergoing IVF in the future. In these bubbles, some people just kind of plan/budget for IVF for the future. I agree either PP: don't let the fact that the people in your social circle are just starting the process fool you...your prime childbearing days are past you, AND you have pcos. It took me 2+ years to have a successful pregnancy with pcos, and I started trying at 31. After I had her, my doctor told me if I wanted more kids I would be smart not to wait very long before trying again. I think you've been lulled into some weird false sense of security about your fertility, and to echo everyone else on this thread: stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

How much do you know about the adoption process?? If you want to adopt a baby...the money isn't even close to being the biggest hurdle.

[Anonymous]

OP your OB was on to something...you are older and have PCOS. I have PCOS... it may take some time and some intervention to achieve pregnancy. Get the ball rolling now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your OB was on to something...you are older and have PCOS. I have PCOS... it may take some time and some intervention to achieve pregnancy. Get the ball rolling now!

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

there are those childless bubbles that can give you a very misleading impression on when it is time to have kids. the reality is that a vast majority of people/women your age have finished - rather than not even started - their childbearing. but you might not be seeing it because you live in an extreme bubble. and the reality is that several people from those bubble (not you, necessarily) will experience significant difficulties (medical, financial) on their road to having children.

i went through this myself and i was one of the lucky ones. i spent a lot of time getting a phd, and nobody in my program (i.e. all my colleagues) and majority of female professors didn't have kids. add to this that i naturally gravitated toward childless friends, that my much older brother hasn't had kids yet and i started trying at age 37. i was lucky that it all worked our pretty easily but i have several friends/colleagues who have struggled.

my advice is to jump on this immediately.

Big +1 to this. You said your friends are "just starting" to have kids. Well guess what, that means they actually started at least a year ago, maybe more. And if your other friends do want kids (do you know this?), there's every good chance some of them are already trying/struggling, and/or that some of them will be undergoing IVF in the future. In these bubbles, some people just kind of plan/budget for IVF for the future. I agree either PP: don't let the fact that the people in your social circle are just starting the process fool you...your prime childbearing days are past you, AND you have pcos. It took me 2+ years to have a successful pregnancy with pcos, and I started trying at 31. After I had her, my doctor told me if I wanted more kids I would be smart not to wait very long before trying again. I think you've been lulled into some weird false sense of security about your fertility, and to echo everyone else on this thread: stop.

I started trying at 31 too with PCOS. I didn’t have a baby until I was 34. Please plan on it taking some time for it to happen.

[Anonymous]

OP: I think it is likely you will regret it if you don't start trying soon. On the other hand, I think if you somehow are lucky and get(/stay...please know this is an issue with pcos) pregnant within the next few months, it is very, very likely you will initially freak out, then quickly get very, very excited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

How much do you know about the adoption process?? If you want to adopt a baby...the money isn't even close to being the biggest hurdle.

I'm an adoptee, too, and would have been totally fine with adoption, but it's just not like it was when I was a baby. Adoption is a terrible Plan B if you're already AMA.

And you know, you might pee when you sneeze for the rest of your life. But you'll have your baby. All the other stuff you listed--yeah, it's real, but none of it is a reason not to have a baby. (And if you can't afford daycare, you aren't going to be able to afford adoption + daycare. Or fertility treatments + daycare.) If you know you want a baby, my advice would be to stop using BC sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I had some thoughts of a career as a librarian or teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to stay home with my kids when they were born.

I got married at 23; my husband is several years older and was already established in a career. We were able to buy a house as soon as we were married, and while we didn't have a ton of money, we were very stable and secure.
Also, we are Catholic, so no birth control--and of course we realized that meant we could get pregnant right away...and we did.