When did you know you were ready to have kids?

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

I was 26 when I got pregnant for the first time. Fwiw, it's really nice being 37 and having an almost 11 year old instead of a toddler like a lot of my friends.

Our youngest is 6 and things are very easy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I had some thoughts of a career as a librarian or teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to stay home with my kids when they were born.

I got married at 23; my husband is several years older and was already established in a career. We were able to buy a house as soon as we were married, and while we didn't have a ton of money, we were very stable and secure.
Also, we are Catholic, so no birth control--and of course we realized that meant we could get pregnant right away...and we did.

cool story but not really all that relevant to OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

you have been adopted but you never adopted yourself. the culture of adoption (legal, number of children available etc) has changed significantly in the past almost 40 years - a time when you might finally feel ready to adopt.

you seem quite stubborn and looking for excuses not to start right now. that's your right and frankly nobody here gives a shit about when you will start or what will happen to you. what we are saying is - if you want to children, further postponement of reproductive activities is really reckless and foolish. none of the increasingly bizarre reasons for waiting that you are providing will change that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

OP here. My apologies for my recent wake up call + recent PCOS diagnosis. It has been less than a week that I've been processing this information.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

you have been adopted but you never adopted yourself. the culture of adoption (legal, number of children available etc) has changed significantly in the past almost 40 years - a time when you might finally feel ready to adopt.

you seem quite stubborn and looking for excuses not to start right now. that's your right and frankly nobody here gives a shit about when you will start or what will happen to you. what we are saying is - if you want to children, further postponement of reproductive activities is really reckless and foolish. none of the increasingly bizarre reasons for waiting that you are providing will change that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Honestly OP, re your OB it sounds like maybe that's what you needed to hear. If you're 35 and this isn't really even on your radar, you DO need a kick in the pants.

Re: none of your friends having kids yet....ok. First of all, do out know for a fact that they all WANT kids, or that they haven't been trying already? Second...the fact of the matter, whether it's fair or not, is that you have pcos. You're AMA AND you have pcos...if you do want kids, the matter is more urgent for you.

Re: the fears you listed...yep, kind of comes with the territory. That's not going to magically go away if you wait 2 years. And in fact, some of those things may just get harder the longer you wait - people have commented that recovery is harder the older you are, and obviously the risk of birth defects goes up with maternal (and parernal) age. Your birth may suck more than anything ever, but aaauming you do actually want kids there will be zero question in your mind that it was worth it. And maybe it'll be easy. There are and always will be many unknowns, and that's true whether you had a kid at 22 or 38. Mommy shaming may happen regardless; you're an adult and you need to decide you won't let it bother you. You also need to stop with all the increasing excuses...if you want a kid, start trying.

I'm curious: in your mind are you just going to pull the goalie and be pregnant 3 weeks later? How do you feel when you consider a scenario where you decide to start trying and 6 months later you're still not pregnant? Would you worry?

OP here. I'm adopted and had a great life, so I'm okay adopting if things don't work naturally. We have time to save for that too if that is the case. I think that is maybe why I'm on the fence because I know we could afford to adopt in 3 years if we needed to in order to become parents.

you have been adopted but you never adopted yourself. the culture of adoption (legal, number of children available etc) has changed significantly in the past almost 40 years - a time when you might finally feel ready to adopt.

you seem quite stubborn and looking for excuses not to start right now. that's your right and frankly nobody here gives a shit about when you will start or what will happen to you. what we are saying is - if you want to children, further postponement of reproductive activities is really reckless and foolish. none of the increasingly bizarre reasons for waiting that you are providing will change that fact.

OP here. My apologies for my recent wake up call + recent PCOS diagnosis. It has been less than a week that I've been processing this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I think we might start trying soon, but I'm think my biggest fear is that I'm worried about finances. We just bought our house last fall so I'm feeling pretty financially depleted after the down payment + reading about the costs associated with raising a kid. Should we have a certain nest egg set aside before we have kids or just go for it?

Money just flies out the door once you have kids; daycare, private school (if you go that route), summer sitters/camps, sports - I'm shocked at what we pay for the 2 sports my kid plays. My husband is a tightwad, so it's probably a good thing we only had one child. I just wrote a check for 1,200 for 2 months of tennis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I had some thoughts of a career as a librarian or teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to stay home with my kids when they were born.

I got married at 23; my husband is several years older and was already established in a career. We were able to buy a house as soon as we were married, and while we didn't have a ton of money, we were very stable and secure.
Also, we are Catholic, so no birth control--and of course we realized that meant we could get pregnant right away...and we did.

cool story but not really all that relevant to OP

She asked when the reader knew she was ready for kids. I answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I want kid(s - more will be decided after first one). We had a rough time finding jobs/were underemployed for a very long time + lots of undegrad and grad student debt so we never felt we could have a kid if we were struggling to pay rent on a crappy but affordable studio apartment, which is why we don't yet have children. We both finally found decent jobs in the last 2 years and were able to pay down some loans + buy a home. Having children was not right for us previously no matter how much we wanted it.

My ob appt last week was a wake up call that I just wasn't expecting. It was the first time anyone had said now is the time to start trying if you want a kid. I think I was more shocked about it went from "any concerns" "no" "ok" end of dr appt last year to "you are now at advanced maternal age" & "you need to start trying during your next cycle if you want to have kids or you may not able to naturally" etc. Maybe she could have discussed it earlier than an its now or never stuff I got.

Most of my friends do not yet have children or are just starting to have kids. None of my best friends have kids yet, and one has been with her DH since high school. We all have prioritized our careers (or just gaining stability during the years after the recession with lots and lots of private school debt).

I guess I always thought I'd be really ready when the time came, and I'm scared of all the unknowns - will the birth be painful, will I pee when I sneeze forever, will my kid be normal, will we be able to afford daycare, how much mommy shamming will I have to endure, etc.

Of course the unknowns are scary, and the stakes seem so high because we're talking about kids. But you figure it out as you go along. None of us had all of the answers the second we saw the test result after peeing on the stick.

I always felt similarly to you - I never felt ready for kids, and I thought most people did. Everyone I knew was SO SURE either way, and there I was, totally ambivalent. I prioritized my career and never really gave much thought into how or when kids might fit into that. But once I hit 35, I figured that I'd regret it if we didn't try, so we took the leap. It's not all sunshine and roses, and there are times when I definitely miss our pre-kid life, but life now is so much richer than I ever could have imagined. It scary to think that my ambivalence could have caused me to miss out on all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just found this forum so I don’t know where to post this. When did you know you were ready to start a family?

I just got back from my ob and she gave me a mini lecture that now is the time to start trying given my age and PCOS. My husband and I do want kids but it has always been later when we’re older thing. We’ve been married now for 5 years and have focused on our careers given we both were in school a while longer for masters/PhD programs. I guess that time has come but i don’t know. Did anyone know?

Or is it really cliche- you’re never really ready but now is as good a time as any?

If your husband contributes to running the household and does not have to be reminded to pick up after himself, the dog, the guests, etc. and you have good 50/50 teamwork, go for it.
But, if you are doing everything and all he does is work, go out to dinner, watch TV, sleep or gym, start asking some tough questions on how child raising will be handled. If he has unrealistic expectations that is a disaster.

"The magic fairy does it all"

good points above. Raising a child is 18 years intensive and then never ends. Is he reliable?

[Anonymous]

I was pretty much “ready” my whole life. I always wanted them - I got pregnant as soon as DH gave me the “green light.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I had some thoughts of a career as a librarian or teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to stay home with my kids when they were born.

I got married at 23; my husband is several years older and was already established in a career. We were able to buy a house as soon as we were married, and while we didn't have a ton of money, we were very stable and secure.
Also, we are Catholic, so no birth control--and of course we realized that meant we could get pregnant right away...and we did.

cool story but not really all that relevant to OP

She asked when the reader knew she was ready for kids. I answered.

discussion evolved from there. read the thread.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes highly analytical people who have always planned out every aspect of their lives get this idea that they can control this process (meaning conceiving, and being a parent in general). Spoiler alert: you can't. No matter how prepared you think you are, parenthood is going to throw all kinds of unexpected things at you - both good and bad. You figure it out as you go...because you have to! And it's fine, you learn and adjust and sometimes you think you're going to go crazy but more than that, you feel love. And awe.

I have to echo everyone that I'm surprised you're not more worried about your fertility than anything else. I have pcos too, and we started trying BEFORE we felt financially "there" because we knew if it happened sooner...we'd figure it out. We knew infertility would be much harder to deal with. You said you were just recently diagnosed with pcos?

Honestly, I would recommend that you do a LOT of research. Do research about pcos and what it means for conception and miscarriage rates. Start a thread here and ask people about their conception experiences with pcos - they Cary for sure, and many people are ultimately successful in conceiving, but as a general rule it definitely takes (extra) times. And often intervention, although there are multiple less invasive (and much less costly) options you can try IF you have the time to try them...finding the right dosage etc takes time. If you come in at 38, any good doctor is going to tell you to go straight to IVF.
Also do some research about adoption. I don't get the sense you have any idea what is involved these days. If your plan is just to waltz in and adopt a baby when you're almost 40....you're not informed.

[Anonymous]

^vary not Cary

[Anonymous]

As an adoption social worker I HATE when people say "we'll just adopt!" as if that's just something you can take for granted. Adopting today is nothing like when your parents adopted you. For one...abortions are much more common these days. And international regulations have changed wildly. Please do not be under the impression that there are just thousands of babies waiting around for some loving family to come along and adopt them.

We have clients 8 years younger than you that have been waiting for 3+ years.

Another thing to think about, since you mentioned you worried about your kids being "normal": if you want to adopt, you are going to have to go into the process with NO idea what this baby has been through during pregnancy. We recommend to pretty much everyone that they designate themselves as open to drinking/smoking during pregnancy, and many go a step further because...they're desperate for a baby. And that's just what the birth mother admits.

Adoption is not some Willy Nilly backup plan you can have in the back of your mind and assume it will be an option for you

[Anonymous]

I was 38 when I felt ready...but despite fertility treatment was unable to get pregnant. Don't delay. If you're OB says to try now, I'd heed that advice.