how pissed should I be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't really like her either, so I'm not sure why you are so fixated on this being a couples' get together. My DH and I go on girls/guys trips without each other pretty much annually, and that's without disliking each other's friends. Just meet up with him without her and don't worry so much about whether she doesn't like your wife or is jealous of her.

OP here
I mentioned in an earlier response that this is a couples' trip that we plan every year. Hence the "fixation", which was actually just a "plan".

That doesn't change the fact that you don't have a single good thing to say about this woman, but you have a weird entitlement to her time and attention. Even if I liked one of my DH's friends, if I found out he thought I 1) was jealous of his wife's looks (?) and 2) thought I was selfish for not spending my vacation time with them, I'd stop seeing that couple in a minute. And that's not even to address the fact that you don't know what's going on with her - she might not be feeling well, she might be worried about her job, she might be dealing with a personal matter you know nothing about. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to decide not to go on a trip, and the fact that you spent money before they told you they were coming for sure doesn't make her the bad guy. You leapt before you looked; that's on you.

You're the problem here, OP. There's a strange mix of narcissism and immaturity in these posts, and getting defensive isn't helping.

Pretty weird thread here but OP post was not about whether he liked BFDW.

We only get a sense of his resentment but its pretty clear that he likes BF and DW.

He thinks she's frosty, jealous, and incapable of befriending women, and that it's not fair that she won't use her time off of work for a trip to see him and his baby (which will make 3 such trips for BF this year alone). How do you come up with "its pretty clear he likes" her?

I'm pretty sure pp is saying that OP likes OP, OPDW and BF but that it is clear he does not like BFDW from his langauge in describing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't really like her either, so I'm not sure why you are so fixated on this being a couples' get together. My DH and I go on girls/guys trips without each other pretty much annually, and that's without disliking each other's friends. Just meet up with him without her and don't worry so much about whether she doesn't like your wife or is jealous of her.

OP here
I mentioned in an earlier response that this is a couples' trip that we plan every year. Hence the "fixation", which was actually just a "plan".

That doesn't change the fact that you don't have a single good thing to say about this woman, but you have a weird entitlement to her time and attention. Even if I liked one of my DH's friends, if I found out he thought I 1) was jealous of his wife's looks (?) and 2) thought I was selfish for not spending my vacation time with them, I'd stop seeing that couple in a minute. And that's not even to address the fact that you don't know what's going on with her - she might not be feeling well, she might be worried about her job, she might be dealing with a personal matter you know nothing about. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to decide not to go on a trip, and the fact that you spent money before they told you they were coming for sure doesn't make her the bad guy. You leapt before you looked; that's on you.

You're the problem here, OP. There's a strange mix of narcissism and immaturity in these posts, and getting defensive isn't helping.

Pretty weird thread here but OP post was not about whether he liked BFDW.

We only get a sense of his resentment but its pretty clear that he likes BF and DW.

He thinks she's frosty, jealous, and incapable of befriending women, and that it's not fair that she won't use her time off of work for a trip to see him and his baby (which will make 3 such trips for BF this year alone). How do you come up with "its pretty clear he likes" her?

I'm pretty sure pp is saying that OP likes OP, OPDW and BF but that it is clear he does not like BFDW from his langauge in describing her.

That's the same I said in the post he was responding to so I'm not sure I follow the response if you're interpreting correctly.

[Anonymous]

Ttoll.

[Anonymous]

So, here's what I hate when we visit my husband's friends (doesn't happen every time, but does sometimes). If we go to visit, and the guys are hanging out together doing whatever fun thing, and I'm expected to hang out with the wife, who I might not like all that much. Lame, and not how I want to use my vacation. If that is remotely how your trips with them go, and be honest, then that's why they don't want to visit. Because it's going to be a million times worse with a baby.

Also, if you're going to see your friend twice this year, then maybe they aren't really thrilled about travelling for a third time. They have other stuff they want to do with their vacation, and it's not like you and your friend aren't going to see each other.

[Anonymous]

I think OP has a right to be pissed at (mostly) BF and (a little) BFDW.

It sounds like BFDW dominates their travel, no?

And BF knew she wasn't going...he could've said something earlier in the process to avoid this kind of mess.

OP seems angry and resentful about this, but I don't think him labeling her "selfish" or "frosty" indicative of bad feelings toward her. Those may well be facts for all we know. OP's perception of her behavior toward OPDW is his own, too.

Especially considering BFDW has shown a certain amount of selfishness from what we have been told.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are already seeing your BF in May and October then the only thing you have any right to be pissed about is the lost $$ for the AirBnB. He should not have said they were on board but he probably was afraid of your reaction. Otherwise, just plan and look forward to your BFF time together in May and October.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would want to travel on Labor Day weekend to spend time with OP, OP's wife with a strong look and a strong personality, and their toddler.

Sorry, just not that into you all.

People who write and think this way-like they're on the set of Girls-should kill themselves.

Excuse me? I wrote 2 sentences and based on that you think I should *kill* myself?

I think it's pretty clear you're the one with the serious problem. Get some help, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be pissed at (mostly) BF and (a little) BFDW.

It sounds like BFDW dominates their travel, no?

And BF knew she wasn't going...he could've said something earlier in the process to avoid this kind of mess.

OP seems angry and resentful about this, but I don't think him labeling her "selfish" or "frosty" indicative of bad feelings toward her. Those may well be facts for all we know. OP's perception of her behavior toward OPDW is his own, too.

Especially considering BFDW has shown a certain amount of selfishness from what we have been told.

Well, he's traveling with BF in May and October and he's coming with his mom for this planned trip, so I think it's a bit of a stretch to say she's dominating their travel. It's not like he hasn't seen his friend since the wedding. It's not selfish for her to decide what she wants to do with her own time, and she's not stopping BF from seeing OP multiple times a year.

You could make an argument that OP is selfish for making them fly to see him at his new hometown instead of meeting them in their city or somewhere neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be pissed at (mostly) BF and (a little) BFDW.

It sounds like BFDW dominates their travel, no?

And BF knew she wasn't going...he could've said something earlier in the process to avoid this kind of mess.

OP seems angry and resentful about this, but I don't think him labeling her "selfish" or "frosty" indicative of bad feelings toward her. Those may well be facts for all we know. OP's perception of her behavior toward OPDW is his own, too.

Especially considering BFDW has shown a certain amount of selfishness from what we have been told.

Well, he's traveling with BF in May and October and he's coming with his mom for this planned trip, so I think it's a bit of a stretch to say she's dominating their travel. It's not like he hasn't seen his friend since the wedding. It's not selfish for her to decide what she wants to do with her own time, and she's not stopping BF from seeing OP multiple times a year.

You could make an argument that OP is selfish for making them fly to see him at his new hometown instead of meeting them in their city or somewhere neutral.

This. Nothing about OP's description suggests that she's controlling or dominating--she's not stopping her husband from seeing his friend, she's just not going along this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey DCUM, I've got a bone to pick with my best friends' wife and I'm wondering how pissed I should be.

Context and Details:

-About two months ago we planned our bi-annual trip to meet up with them in September, catch a game, and hang out on labor day weekend. BF wife has not yet met our young son, and they would be meeting up with us fresh off our move to the aforementioned city. We usually always meet up in the fall to visit.

-BF wife has always been a bit frosty, hard to get to know, especially for "strangers" like my wife. BF wife has a very hard time making friends with other women, for a host of reasons I don't really care to examine. It is an important factor in her behavior, imo. My wife is a very outgoing, friendly person who tries to engage everyone...and this woman is just kinda cold to her, still. They obviously are never going to be best friends, which is sad because my wife would certainly let that happen if BF wife were even remotely interested in being friends.

-During our initial planning, BF said they were "on board" and were just waiting for airline tickets to drop. I gave them some time and was patient about it.

-I reminded BF a few weeks ago about airplane tix, and he said he was "on it". In the interim, wife and I purchased game tix, reserved AirBnB, etc....which we admittedly shouldn't have done without confirming BF and wife were actually going.

(you know where this is going....)

-Today I asked BF about their preferences for game tickets and he finally told me the truth that wife "wasn't all about it because she might have an obligation for work and is nervous to ask off". More context is that these two fly all over the country, all year long, doing marathons. They have gone to Disney literally 5 times this year.

I know I'm being a baby about this but my wife and I are very disappointed and frankly, my feelings are hurt and I'm angry at both BF and the wife.

I also know that we shouldn't have made arrangements without actually confirming with them first. I just don't understand why BF wife doesn't want to meet our kid and see our new hometown over what could be a really fun weekend.
Frankly I'm tired of all of us working around her schedule and travel preferences, and I think this is going to have a long-term impact on my friendship with BF.

TLDR: Best friends wife doesn't want to travel for our annual trip, BF didn't tell us until now, and they've left us in the lurch. Should I let this impact my relationship with or expectations of BF?

So, let me get this straight.

- You and DW and child are moving to a city (P.S. you use "aforementioned" when you previously mention something. You never previously mentioned city so don't use aforementioned. Just helping you not make this mistake when it matters)
- you invited BF and his wife to come to your city so they'll be spending traveling money etc. while you're in your new home town not traveling or having to spend travel $$.
- You don't like BFDW and it's clear that there's a "frosty" vibe when the 4 of you have gotten together before (and you acknowledge that BFDW doesn't like your DW either)
- You want this trip so BF could meet your new baby (this is obvious since you talk about BF meeting your baby a few times in your OP)
- Now you're upset because they aren't all super psyched to come.


To answer your question? You should hardly be pissed at all. Sounds to me like you want them to be jumping through all these hoops just to meet your kid when they don't have kids of their own, and the relationship between the 4 of you is tenuous to begin with.

they're not that into you.

OP here
You're right that BFDW may not be that into me or DW, but I'm still confused as to why.

additional info: BF and I are going on two trips together-one in May, another in October.

This might be the crux--i might be annoyed if my DH was asking that I use vaca time to visit a friend he will already be seeing two other times, for two trips, in that year.

Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner. That is a LOT of time to spend with an out of town friend - especially when she's not as into the couple relationship as you and your wife are. Just enjoy the time you do get with your good friend and realize his wife has other friend priorities. Yes, they should have told you sooner but it's very common to postpone difficult conversations so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Certainly don't let it negatively impact this long and close relationship you have.

[Anonymous]

People generally arent that into other people's kids. The fact you think that should be a draw/reason to spend time with you makes me think you may be the kind of person who centers everything aroudn your kids, talks about your kid a lot, let's your kid be the center of attention too much when others want to have adult conversation, etc.

But regardless sounds like this woman isnt the most fun to be around so why force it? Your wife is better off not having to travel with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here
You're right that BFDW may not be that into me or DW, but I'm still confused as to why.

additional info: BF and I are going on two trips together-one in May, another in October.

Seriously, OP?? First, I don't believe that you like your BFDW. And reading between the lines, it's clear you think she's the outsider to your little group - even though your BF and she were married before you and your wife - basically making YOUR WIFE the outsider.

This blind-eye you have that your wife could do nothing wrong so anything that resembles that the wives don't get along is all BFDW's fault - that it's her "lack of consideration and desire to be part of the group"

that's what stands out to me. You talk as if it's you, your wife and BF on one side and your BFDW on the other. You even say that in one of your posts - you say you're frustrated that she's "not being more considerate of BF and us"

that's VERY CLEAR and don't think it goes unnoticed by her.

Another point? You are assuming she's in charge of all their travel and that he just follows suit. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, OP. And assuming it's all her fault is in really poor taste and shows that you don't respect your BF's marriage. You need to start assuming that they are a team and a united family now.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered that it isn't that BFSW doesn't like your DW, but rather, that she doesn't like the way you act around your DW? My brother is like this a bit--changes personality based on who he is with (thank god his wife is fantastic). So, is it possible that she liked the version of yourself you put on around BF and BFDW before you were married, and doesn't like the after marriage version of yourself? You admit that your DW has a strong personality...which is nothing against your DW, but just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here
You're right that BFDW may not be that into me or DW, but I'm still confused as to why.

additional info: BF and I are going on two trips together-one in May, another in October.

Seriously, OP?? First, I don't believe that you like your BFDW. And reading between the lines, it's clear you think she's the outsider to your little group - even though your BF and she were married before you and your wife - basically making YOUR WIFE the outsider.

This blind-eye you have that your wife could do nothing wrong so anything that resembles that the wives don't get along is all BFDW's fault - that it's her "lack of consideration and desire to be part of the group"

that's what stands out to me. You talk as if it's you, your wife and BF on one side and your BFDW on the other. You even say that in one of your posts - you say you're frustrated that she's "not being more considerate of BF and us"

that's VERY CLEAR and don't think it goes unnoticed by her.

Another point? You are assuming she's in charge of all their travel and that he just follows suit. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, OP. And assuming it's all her fault is in really poor taste and shows that you don't respect your BF's marriage. You need to start assuming that they are a team and a united family now.

+1 DH has a friend that thinks I'm the wicked witch that took him away from his home town to the big city and forced him to settle down. In reality, DH just outgrew that particular friend. But the friend couldn't let it go and kept blaming me for the growing distance between the two of them and DH very quickly cut him loose. I didn't care one way or the other, I didn't have anything to do with the guy, but DH wasn't in the mood to tolerate dudebro treating me like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Maybe they are going through infertility treatments and are uncertain if she will need to cycle during that time which would explain the excuse. You never really know what people are going through and unless you are in their shoes so I would suggest talking to your best friend and maybe he will divulge more information. That could also explain why she seems cold – going through that kind of hell makes you pretty depressed and angry. Of course this is all purely conjecture but it sounds strangely similar to what my wife and I were going through for the past Three years. I have not read beyond the first few posts so if you came in with other information sorry in advance