how pissed should I be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would want to travel on Labor Day weekend to spend time with OP, OP's wife with a strong look and a strong personality, and their toddler.

Sorry, just not that into you all.

People who write and think this way-like they're on the set of Girls-should kill themselves.

You are way out of line.

[Anonymous]

it sounds like OP should actually be pretty psyched that buzzkill BFDW that everybody is defending is not coming along.

[Anonymous]

Two thoughts I had:

OP, I think you're right about BF's wife attitude toward your wife but if this happened to me I would also wonder whether BF was also that psyched about coming to visit. It could be that the wife gave him an excuse not to come. Whether that's the issue or not, I think the issue is really how your BF is treating you. Don't focus so much on blaming the wife.

Also, maybe this means that you just hang out with your BF from now on without family. Do you like your friend enough to do that? You're obviously not going to change the wife's mind. I'd give up trying to socialize as a couple and look for another way.

Sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two thoughts I had:

OP, I think you're right about BF's wife attitude toward your wife but if this happened to me I would also wonder whether BF was also that psyched about coming to visit. It could be that the wife gave him an excuse not to come. Whether that's the issue or not, I think the issue is really how your BF is treating you. Don't focus so much on blaming the wife.

Also, maybe this means that you just hang out with your BF from now on without family. Do you like your friend enough to do that? You're obviously not going to change the wife's mind. I'd give up trying to socialize as a couple and look for another way.

Sorry you're going through this.

OP here, thanks.

I do have some suspicion that BF wasn't really that into it from the start.
I'll try not to blame BFDW its just that as the years go by and these things keep happening, its making me think I'm doing something wrong or that my wife somehow offended her and none of us know anything because BFDW wont say anything.

And yes, DCUM, I know it's BFDW's right to not say anything because she can act and treat "friends" however she wants. That's her right.

[Anonymous]

Here's the problem: they've been to Disney 5 times this year. He/she are not real adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually think you need to consider that you have somehow inadvertently upset your BF, and that he's the one who doesn't want to come. If it was true that his wife didn't want to come or had a work thing, but he did want to come, he'd just come on his own. That he's using her work commitment as an excuse for his not coming is pretty telling.

Nah, he's not upset with me. We are meeting up in May and again in October.

He's probably going to come on his own or (gasp) bring his Mom instead of DW.

So, then . . . what's the problem? You should not be pissed at all. Wife can't or doesn't want to come. Who cares? You and your wife don't enjoy her company anyway. It's like you're looking for a reason to be offended. Your friend is coming, so you're not out any money. I just don't understand why you're even slightly miffed, much less pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two thoughts I had:

OP, I think you're right about BF's wife attitude toward your wife but if this happened to me I would also wonder whether BF was also that psyched about coming to visit. It could be that the wife gave him an excuse not to come. Whether that's the issue or not, I think the issue is really how your BF is treating you. Don't focus so much on blaming the wife.

Also, maybe this means that you just hang out with your BF from now on without family. Do you like your friend enough to do that? You're obviously not going to change the wife's mind. I'd give up trying to socialize as a couple and look for another way.

Sorry you're going through this.

OP here, thanks.

I do have some suspicion that BF wasn't really that into it from the start.
I'll try not to blame BFDW its just that as the years go by and these things keep happening, its making me think I'm doing something wrong or that my wife somehow offended her and none of us know anything because BFDW wont say anything.

And yes, DCUM, I know it's BFDW's right to not say anything because she can act and treat "friends" however she wants. That's her right.

OP I posted earlier about this just being that time in our lives. I think you should take heart in the idea that some people drift in and out. closer and farther and that that is ok.

You have kids, they are five years younger and not there yet, you are in a vastly different life stage. And likely over the last 18 months you have changed more than you think. Which is fine. Maybe when they have kids suddenly this vision you have of the future will come together, or maybe it won't. Regardless you can be grateful to have had BF in your life and to continue to have him there in whatever capacity it ends up being.

As my life as gone on and I've experienced some deaths/lost friendships I've always tried to maintain the philosophy that people come in and out of your life and that that is part of life so all you can do is to really appreciate them for what they are in that moment and what they've been for you in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem: they've been to Disney 5 times this year. He/she are not real adults.

+1xInfinity
this might also be the reason why she has no leave, as OP alluded to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem: they've been to Disney 5 times this year. He/she are not real adults.

eh, it sounds like OP isn't the real adult here. he wants to keep his bromance and bring his wife into the fold....but not his BF's wife.

[Anonymous]

You have a right to be upset with your BF for dragging his feet and making you think they were coming and then bailing but you’re taking the situation too personal. Your friends wife isn’t close with you or your wife it seems, possibly has a work conflict during the planned vacation, and already vacations with you guys at least once or twice a year. Why is she the bad person for not wanting to use her vacation time to come on a vacation with people she’s not close to and already sees plenty.

To give you some perspective: my husband has two brothers, both of who have girlfriends I know and like but don’t have enough in common with to be BFFs with them. We get along fine when we’re all together and nothing personal to anyone we’re just very different people and don’t click. We recently saw everyone over the holidays but My husband just went on a week long vacation with his dad, his two brothers, and one of the gfs to a ski resort. I opted not to go because I’d rather save those five days of vacation doing something I enjoy(I don’t like skiing) and I also knew that the guys would all end up hanging out together doing their own thing a lot of the time to leave me either by myself or making polite conversation with the gf. So I didn’t go and my husband went alone. And it was FINE. Everyone did what they wanted and were happy. No one took it personal like you are.

Summary: just because you’re friends with your BF doesn’t mean you guys are going to be the awesome foursome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.

Op here

We are all in our mid/late 30s so we're not going out to bars late or dancing. Plus she doesn't even drink or party.

As I mentioned above, we are handing off the kid to my in-laws on Friday and Saturday nights, anyway.

I'm 40 and I go out to bars late and dancing. You sound boring. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to hang with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey DCUM, I've got a bone to pick with my best friends' wife and I'm wondering how pissed I should be.

Context and Details:

-About two months ago we planned our bi-annual trip to meet up with them in September, catch a game, and hang out on labor day weekend. BF wife has not yet met our young son, and they would be meeting up with us fresh off our move to the aforementioned city. We usually always meet up in the fall to visit.

-BF wife has always been a bit frosty, hard to get to know, especially for "strangers" like my wife. BF wife has a very hard time making friends with other women, for a host of reasons I don't really care to examine. It is an important factor in her behavior, imo. My wife is a very outgoing, friendly person who tries to engage everyone...and this woman is just kinda cold to her, still. They obviously are never going to be best friends, which is sad because my wife would certainly let that happen if BF wife were even remotely interested in being friends.

-During our initial planning, BF said they were "on board" and were just waiting for airline tickets to drop. I gave them some time and was patient about it.

-I reminded BF a few weeks ago about airplane tix, and he said he was "on it". In the interim, wife and I purchased game tix, reserved AirBnB, etc....which we admittedly shouldn't have done without confirming BF and wife were actually going.

(you know where this is going....)

-Today I asked BF about their preferences for game tickets and he finally told me the truth that wife "wasn't all about it because she might have an obligation for work and is nervous to ask off". More context is that these two fly all over the country, all year long, doing marathons. They have gone to Disney literally 5 times this year.

I know I'm being a baby about this but my wife and I are very disappointed and frankly, my feelings are hurt and I'm angry at both BF and the wife.

I also know that we shouldn't have made arrangements without actually confirming with them first. I just don't understand why BF wife doesn't want to meet our kid and see our new hometown over what could be a really fun weekend.
Frankly I'm tired of all of us working around her schedule and travel preferences, and I think this is going to have a long-term impact on my friendship with BF.

TLDR: Best friends wife doesn't want to travel for our annual trip, BF didn't tell us until now, and they've left us in the lurch. Should I let this impact my relationship with or expectations of BF?

So, let me get this straight.

- You and DW and child are moving to a city (P.S. you use "aforementioned" when you previously mention something. You never previously mentioned city so don't use aforementioned. Just helping you not make this mistake when it matters)
- you invited BF and his wife to come to your city so they'll be spending traveling money etc. while you're in your new home town not traveling or having to spend travel $$.
- You don't like BFDW and it's clear that there's a "frosty" vibe when the 4 of you have gotten together before (and you acknowledge that BFDW doesn't like your DW either)
- You want this trip so BF could meet your new baby (this is obvious since you talk about BF meeting your baby a few times in your OP)
- Now you're upset because they aren't all super psyched to come.


To answer your question? You should hardly be pissed at all. Sounds to me like you want them to be jumping through all these hoops just to meet your kid when they don't have kids of their own, and the relationship between the 4 of you is tenuous to begin with.

they're not that into you.

OP here
You're right that BFDW may not be that into me or DW, but I'm still confused as to why.

additional info: BF and I are going on two trips together-one in May, another in October.

why? because your are annoying as hell. you are almost 40 married with a baby and you are still focused on your BFF? what kind of man uses that term after 30?

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed, not pissed.

I think you two gents should do crap without the wives/babies to muck it up. No one else (baby included) signed up for this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are already seeing your BF in May and October then the only thing you have any right to be pissed about is the lost $$ for the AirBnB. He should not have said they were on board but he probably was afraid of your reaction. Otherwise, just plan and look forward to your BFF time together in May and October.

there will be no May and October. OP needs to get ready for that.

[Anonymous]

OP - cut in the "meet my kid" crap. they don't care. I have two kids and expecting another. there is nothing special for anyone except close family in meeting a small child.