how pissed should I be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey DCUM, I've got a bone to pick with my best friends' wife and I'm wondering how pissed I should be.

Context and Details:

-About two months ago we planned our bi-annual trip to meet up with them in September, catch a game, and hang out on labor day weekend. BF wife has not yet met our young son, and they would be meeting up with us fresh off our move to the aforementioned city. We usually always meet up in the fall to visit.

-BF wife has always been a bit frosty, hard to get to know, especially for "strangers" like my wife. BF wife has a very hard time making friends with other women, for a host of reasons I don't really care to examine. It is an important factor in her behavior, imo. My wife is a very outgoing, friendly person who tries to engage everyone...and this woman is just kinda cold to her, still. They obviously are never going to be best friends, which is sad because my wife would certainly let that happen if BF wife were even remotely interested in being friends.

-During our initial planning, BF said they were "on board" and were just waiting for airline tickets to drop. I gave them some time and was patient about it.

-I reminded BF a few weeks ago about airplane tix, and he said he was "on it". In the interim, wife and I purchased game tix, reserved AirBnB, etc....which we admittedly shouldn't have done without confirming BF and wife were actually going.

(you know where this is going....)

-Today I asked BF about their preferences for game tickets and he finally told me the truth that wife "wasn't all about it because she might have an obligation for work and is nervous to ask off". More context is that these two fly all over the country, all year long, doing marathons. They have gone to Disney literally 5 times this year.

I know I'm being a baby about this but my wife and I are very disappointed and frankly, my feelings are hurt and I'm angry at both BF and the wife.

I also know that we shouldn't have made arrangements without actually confirming with them first. I just don't understand why BF wife doesn't want to meet our kid and see our new hometown over what could be a really fun weekend.
Frankly I'm tired of all of us working around her schedule and travel preferences, and I think this is going to have a long-term impact on my friendship with BF.

TLDR: Best friends wife doesn't want to travel for our annual trip, BF didn't tell us until now, and they've left us in the lurch. Should I let this impact my relationship with or expectations of BF?

So, let me get this straight.

- You and DW and child are moving to a city (P.S. you use "aforementioned" when you previously mention something. You never previously mentioned city so don't use aforementioned. Just helping you not make this mistake when it matters)
- you invited BF and his wife to come to your city so they'll be spending traveling money etc. while you're in your new home town not traveling or having to spend travel $$.
- You don't like BFDW and it's clear that there's a "frosty" vibe when the 4 of you have gotten together before (and you acknowledge that BFDW doesn't like your DW either)
- You want this trip so BF could meet your new baby (this is obvious since you talk about BF meeting your baby a few times in your OP)
- Now you're upset because they aren't all super psyched to come.


To answer your question? You should hardly be pissed at all. Sounds to me like you want them to be jumping through all these hoops just to meet your kid when they don't have kids of their own, and the relationship between the 4 of you is tenuous to begin with.

they're not that into you.

OP here
You're right that BFDW may not be that into me or DW, but I'm still confused as to why.

additional info: BF and I are going on two trips together-one in May, another in October.

why? because your are annoying as hell. you are almost 40 married with a baby and you are still focused on your BFF? what kind of man uses that term after 30?

+100

Also very weirded by a middle aged man who uses "BFF." Hahahaha

[Anonymous]

Socialize with BF, not his wife. She’s just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to bet this is the best friend's wife actually posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.

BF wife probably doesn't care about meeting your young son as much as you care about her meeting him. Not everyone will think your kids are as awesome as you think they are.

People without kids are not as hyped about meeting your kid as you are . I say this as a parent.
Your kid is exciting to you, not the universe. And you are spending a lot of time dissing the wife and your supposed BF is just as a accountable . Face it, they just are not as into you and he is not going to diss his wife on your account.

[Anonymous]

OP, you guys are in very different places in life. I wouldn’t take it so personally. I have a kid I adore and another on the way, and I still don’t particularly like or enjoy other people’s kids and certainly wouldn’t want to vacation with them... just enjoy your time with your best friend separate from the wives and kid.

[Anonymous]

Ditto what everyone else above says that OP clearly doesn't like the BFDW and it's no wonder she doesn't want to use her vacation to spend it with him and his wife.

Even ignoring that, tho, some people have different tolerances for traveling and visiting friends across the country. My DH and I have some best, best friends in the world scattered around North America. But honestly, even before kids, we were the worst about visiting them. We both have decently demanding jobs, we're frugal by nature, DH travels for work and thus relishes time at home, and my DH in particular gets thrown off when we have over scheduled weekends. We have much greater peace in our lives when we aren't traveling and busy. As a consequence, we don't really travel to visit friends. We are and have always been horrible about this. Lucky for us, we have good friends who for a variety of reasons have come to visit us over the years and not held a grudge. Our non-visiting them doesn't mean anything as to how much we care about them, tho.

[Anonymous]

OP, its time to pull back and let best friend set the pace of the friendship. I'd cheerily respond, "Bummer! We were looking forward to it, but can't wait to see you in May and October" then drop it. Let him initiate the next gathering.

Invite a different couple to come with you and share the BnB.

I get it. I was butthurt when my best friend got married and his wife didn't like me. Life goes on, and if the friendship connection is strong enough, it'll come back around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have a bone to pick with the wife - you have a bone to pick with your BF. For now, take them off of your travel together list. It sounds like he was waffling from the beginning.

PS - it means nothing that they have been somewhere else this year. There could be anything planned for work during that time - a software standup, some sort of all hands on deck thing, rumors of layoffs, whatever. And it's clear you don't like her, just FYI, so she knows.

Op here
I think you are right with the bone to pick with BF, but you are definitely wrong about me not liking her. We were VERY good friends for a long time, but she has been distant since I got married. She doesn't like my wife, and for no discernible reason.

I also disagree that it means nothing that she can travel wherever and whenever she wants all year, and that dictates their schedule. That's not fair, and again, I think that's on BF to step up and not let her decisions override everyone else's plans.

What? She doesn't owe you a single day of her vacation time. How can her deciding where she wants to go on vacation with her husband be unfair to you? You're getting stranger with each post.

+10000 How she uses her time off, her money or travel is totally up to her discretion and not yours. The only issue I would have with BF and Wife is that they didn't tell you earlier vs dragging their feet to then cancel. However if they chose not to visit/travel for a year or two or ever again then that's not a reason to be mad at them. You can't for frienships.

You also call her selfish for not wanting to meet your kid. I have a kid, I love my kid, but I won't force my kid down other people's throats. I don't honestly want to spend any vacation time with other people's kids. Even my Bestest friends kids. You are sounding odder and odder.

[Anonymous]

OP, you conveniently ignored suggestions that BFDW doesn't like your wife. After years of meeting my (nowX)DH friends' wifes, I finally couldn't do it anymore. I never wanted to spend a minute with them, so I stopped. Their husbands were offended. The wives were not the women I can be friends with. They might have been the best people on the planet, but they were not for me. As for the guys: I don't have male friends unless they are gay or I had a good relationship with them before (love, dating, fwb), so I don't care for that.

[Anonymous]

PP from above: introducing kids was really annoying. 18 month old? Why? Wait till they are cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have a bone to pick with the wife - you have a bone to pick with your BF. For now, take them off of your travel together list. It sounds like he was waffling from the beginning.

PS - it means nothing that they have been somewhere else this year. There could be anything planned for work during that time - a software standup, some sort of all hands on deck thing, rumors of layoffs, whatever. And it's clear you don't like her, just FYI, so she knows.

Op here
I think you are right with the bone to pick with BF, but you are definitely wrong about me not liking her. We were VERY good friends for a long time, but she has been distant since I got married. She doesn't like my wife, and for no discernible reason.

I also disagree that it means nothing that she can travel wherever and whenever she wants all year, and that dictates their schedule. That's not fair, and again, I think that's on BF to step up and not let her decisions override everyone else's plans.

Maybe she doesn't like who you are around your wife? I mean, if you were cool to hang with and then all of a sudden your met your wife (who has a "stronger look and personality") than BF's wife, is it possible that you got a little starry-eyed and became a little bit subservient? Who knows, OP, but your relationship has changed and maybe it is your wife (who you insist is very personable and open and outgoing) or maybe it is that BF's wife enjoyed being the center of the relationship that you and your BF had before your wife came into the picture and you getting married changed all that. She just may not be as keen to be part of this cozy foursome as she was to be the sun of the planets that were you and her DH before your DW came along and stole her place in your orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who wants to bet this is the best friend's wife actually posting?

op here, and it's not.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you know what happens when couples get together when two of them are friends? The other two get stuck together. And depending on who you’re stuck with, it sucks. I can handle an evening of DHs SIL, but lord help me if I have to spend a weekend with her... I’d rather stand myself in the eye. Or scrub the bathroom. Or anything other than have to sit and pretend I like her,

BFDW is used to being one of the friends, but now, she’s stuck being the wife with your wife, if my guess. And it sucks when you now have to entertain someone you don’t like. A dinner date? Sure. But your precious vacation time... hell to the no.

As already posted, She may also feel like you and BF get lots of together time, and isn’t interested in having to participate in more.

[Anonymous]

Here's a question for OP - does YOUR wife like spending time with BFDW? Or are you two dorks forcing these women, who mutually don't like each other, to spend time together for your brofests?