are we both crazy?

[Anonymous]

It's "her baby" that she's not feeding, but "our son" that you want custody of?

communicating "openly" by text is kind of an oxymoron.

interesting.

It is obviously a hugely unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic. But if are totally convinced that you are 100 percent perfect nd she is 100 percent at fault, you will continue to have a terrible relationship and conflict over co-parenting.


Screaming "you're not listening to me" could be "you're not complying with me." But it could also be "you dont understand me, you're not acknowledging what I am feeling." I think your issues as a couple go way back and are so entangled in feeligns of resentment, blame, anger that there is no way that either of you sees things objectively and you have hunkered down into positions where you seem to be unable to even have a conversation.

I would suggest therapy to mediate discussion between the two of you going forth if only to limit the damage to the child caught in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all again for your advice and thoughts.

After a day of silence between us, I tried to fairly and openly communicate my thoughts and feelings to my wife last night via text.

We stonewalled each other and then I picked the least effective means available to communicate about my feelings

Anonymous wrote:

As usual, she ignored all of them. When I told her this morning how much that hurt my feelings, she told me not to write her in the middle of the night, although it was 9 pm and she was upstairs on her phone).

She was doing something else and I'm mad that she didn't drop it and pay attention to my text.

Anonymous wrote:

I told her that it seems like she doesn't care about or even respect my thoughts and feelings and that I didn't want to fight in front of the boy, so I went downstairs to get away from her and get ready for work.

I got in a zinger and left.

Anonymous wrote:

She, of course, followed me downstairs and started screaming at me while the kid is upstairs crying and wanting to finish the breakfast she started feeding him.

Then she tried to get in a zinger.

Anonymous wrote:

She actually stopped feeding her baby to continue yelling at me.

I'm now raising the specter that the baby isn't mine.

Anonymous wrote:

She also told me that my feelings and thoughts are "Blah blah blah". Even those of you blaming me for all of this can surely see how invalidating and cruel her words are.

My wife accurately described what it feels like to have someone trying to talk to you when you are physiologically flooded and not able to process incoming information; she was also sarcastic, which I assume everyone reading this will recognize as a point in my favor.

Anonymous wrote:

Since she has blocked me via text and phone, I am going to write her today with a list of issues that have gone unresolved for several years.

She's communicated via every available method that she is not able to deal with what I need to discuss right now, so I am now going to pile on with a long list of stuff we've never been able to resolve in the past.

Anonymous wrote:

These include my insistence that she see an individual therapist...I made this request after she pushed me down the stairs two years ago and tried to cut her wrists with a kitchen knife. I have been seeing the same therapist for over four years and it has been a tremendous help; she has seen at least four therapists over the past two years and will not commit to any of them; they're all too hard on her background, apparently.

She's the crazy one here, not me.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm going to tell her that if steps are not taken to resolve all of the issues, I will have no choice but to file for divorce in order to provide a stable situation for our son.

I also plan on telling her I am going to file for full custody; I am in the process of changing jobs from an office/cubicle government gig to a remote work with travel situation, and I will be able to live wherever I want. I will also be making more money than her, living in a place with better schools and higher median income than our current neighborhood. I don't have every indiscretion of hers documented, but I have a few.

Is there any way a judge would side with me?

To facilitate the complete resolution of my long list of issues, none of which we've been able to discuss successfully before, I'm going to issue a bunch of threats.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are both crazy.

[Anonymous]

Along with OP’s wife, many of the posters assigning all kinds of terrible traits to OP with literally no basis are also crazy. In the words of the great Mugatu, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!” reading some of these replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all again for your advice and thoughts.

After a day of silence between us, I tried to fairly and openly communicate my thoughts and feelings to my wife last night via text.

We stonewalled each other and then I picked the least effective means available to communicate about my feelings

Anonymous wrote:

As usual, she ignored all of them. When I told her this morning how much that hurt my feelings, she told me not to write her in the middle of the night, although it was 9 pm and she was upstairs on her phone).

She was doing something else and I'm mad that she didn't drop it and pay attention to my text.

Anonymous wrote:

I told her that it seems like she doesn't care about or even respect my thoughts and feelings and that I didn't want to fight in front of the boy, so I went downstairs to get away from her and get ready for work.

I got in a zinger and left.

Anonymous wrote:

She, of course, followed me downstairs and started screaming at me while the kid is upstairs crying and wanting to finish the breakfast she started feeding him.

Then she tried to get in a zinger.

Anonymous wrote:

She actually stopped feeding her baby to continue yelling at me.

I'm now raising the specter that the baby isn't mine.

Anonymous wrote:

She also told me that my feelings and thoughts are "Blah blah blah". Even those of you blaming me for all of this can surely see how invalidating and cruel her words are.

My wife accurately described what it feels like to have someone trying to talk to you when you are physiologically flooded and not able to process incoming information; she was also sarcastic, which I assume everyone reading this will recognize as a point in my favor.

Anonymous wrote:

Since she has blocked me via text and phone, I am going to write her today with a list of issues that have gone unresolved for several years.

She's communicated via every available method that she is not able to deal with what I need to discuss right now, so I am now going to pile on with a long list of stuff we've never been able to resolve in the past.

Anonymous wrote:

These include my insistence that she see an individual therapist...I made this request after she pushed me down the stairs two years ago and tried to cut her wrists with a kitchen knife. I have been seeing the same therapist for over four years and it has been a tremendous help; she has seen at least four therapists over the past two years and will not commit to any of them; they're all too hard on her background, apparently.

She's the crazy one here, not me.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm going to tell her that if steps are not taken to resolve all of the issues, I will have no choice but to file for divorce in order to provide a stable situation for our son.

I also plan on telling her I am going to file for full custody; I am in the process of changing jobs from an office/cubicle government gig to a remote work with travel situation, and I will be able to live wherever I want. I will also be making more money than her, living in a place with better schools and higher median income than our current neighborhood. I don't have every indiscretion of hers documented, but I have a few.

Is there any way a judge would side with me?

To facilitate the complete resolution of my long list of issues, none of which we've been able to discuss successfully before, I'm going to issue a bunch of threats.

OP here, thank you for this. It is actually very helpful and insightful, albeit kinda shitty to realize.

Just FYI I did not send any threats or ultimatums to her today. I wrote everything out and then didn't send it.

I wasn't mad that "she didn't drop it and pay attention to my text", I was frustrated because we've set a standard of communication that isn't followed when she's mad. That seems inherently selfish to me.

I really wasn't trying to get in a zinger and run away. I was trying to avoid further conflict with her in front of the kid.

The baby is most certainly mine and I'm not sure why I said "her baby" other than to note that it felt like she cared more about herself and her emotions at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are both crazy.

trite and unhelpful shitpost.

Pretty sure OP was asking a rhetorical.

[Anonymous]

When someone is angry, it is better—not worse, not selfish, not unfair—to slow the interaction down. She’s not doing this skillfully, but she is trying to do it, and you keep characterizing her with contempt for even attempting it (and then pursuing her, defeating her attempts.)

Take it up with your therapist why you feel you have to do this. And for God’s sake see a couples counselor if you want to stay married. Your poor kid is crying out to not be subjected to this nonsense. That’s the one thing you have right.

[Anonymous]

Op, what would be the reasons to stay together with your wife other than for your child?

[Anonymous]

Sorry. I don't trust that OP is telling the full truth, I suspect he is actually gaslighting his wife, she is reacting to the power wheel dynamic of abuse, also postpartum, trying to keep space while he pushes and pushes, escalating to create a reaction, then pointing the finger. This is EXACTLY how many emotional abusers work.

That you are looking for tips on how to get full custody and move away with your new born child is alarming.

And as soon as someone disagreed with you, you attacked immediately and called her an idiot, and crazy.

You don't sound like a victim. You sound like a perpetrator.

I don't trust you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I don't trust that OP is telling the full truth, I suspect he is actually gaslighting his wife, she is reacting to the power wheel dynamic of abuse, also postpartum, trying to keep space while he pushes and pushes, escalating to create a reaction, then pointing the finger. This is EXACTLY how many emotional abusers work.

That you are looking for tips on how to get full custody and move away with your new born child is alarming.

And as soon as someone disagreed with you, you attacked immediately and called her an idiot, and crazy.

You don't sound like a victim. You sound like a perpetrator.

I don't trust you.

That's my impression as well. He doesn't find any fault with himself and very aggressive in tb is thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what would be the reasons to stay together with your wife other than for your child?

because 98% of the time we love each other dearly and are like best friends. We have the same interests, philosophical approach, and the chemistry between us-we have all the intangibles for a successful partnership.

Its that 2% of the time when we are fighting.

I am determined to not have any more yelling or fighting in the house with the kid there. I'm not saying its ok when he's not there, either.

I do love this woman and I love her family, as well. They have taken me in and they have intervened with her before when she suffered from post-partum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what would be the reasons to stay together with your wife other than for your child?

because 98% of the time we love each other dearly and are like best friends. We have the same interests, philosophical approach, and the chemistry between us-we have all the intangibles for a successful partnership.

Its that 2% of the time when we are fighting.

I am determined to not have any more yelling or fighting in the house with the kid there. I'm not saying its ok when he's not there, either.

I do love this woman and I love her family, as well. They have taken me in and they have intervened with her before when she suffered from post-partum.

That’s such a different picture from her throwing you down the stairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you walk away it's defusing; when she drives away it's manipulation. Got it.

You can either get back in therapy or divorce, but you're kidding yourself that she's the only problem in this marriage.

You two have extremely poor communication and have zero conflict resolution. For the sake of your kid, marriage and health, get it together.

Any inattentive add going on here? Look it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what would be the reasons to stay together with your wife other than for your child?

because 98% of the time we love each other dearly and are like best friends. We have the same interests, philosophical approach, and the chemistry between us-we have all the intangibles for a successful partnership.

Its that 2% of the time when we are fighting.

I am determined to not have any more yelling or fighting in the house with the kid there. I'm not saying its ok when he's not there, either.

I do love this woman and I love her family, as well. They have taken me in and they have intervened with her before when she suffered from post-partum.

Can you find in you not to start the conversations with "I really wish you would.."? We just tried it at home. It immediately escalated. We died laughing, but it was impossible to do it without escalation. We could not come up with a phrase that wouldn't cause escalation. From "I really wish you put dishes in the dishwasher " to "I really wish you pay attention when I am asking you about ..." and "I really wish you were more careful so we still get to have you alive".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all again for your advice and thoughts.

After a day of silence between us, I tried to fairly and openly communicate my thoughts and feelings to my wife last night via text.

As usual, she ignored all of them. When I told her this morning how much that hurt my feelings, she told me not to write her in the middle of the night, although it was 9 pm and she was upstairs on her phone).

I told her that it seems like she doesn't care about or even respect my thoughts and feelings and that I didn't want to fight in front of the boy, so I went downstairs to get away from her and get ready for work.

She, of course, followed me downstairs and started screaming at me while the kid is upstairs crying and wanting to finish the breakfast she started feeding him.

She actually stopped feeding her baby to continue yelling at me. She also told me that my feelings and thoughts are "Blah blah blah". Even those of you blaming me for all of this can surely see how invalidating and cruel her words are.

Since she has blocked me via text and phone, I am going to write her today with a list of issues that have gone unresolved for several years. These include my insistence that she see an individual therapist...I made this request after she pushed me down the stairs two years ago and tried to cut her wrists with a kitchen knife. I have been seeing the same therapist for over four years and it has been a tremendous help; she has seen at least four therapists over the past two years and will not commit to any of them; they're all too hard on her background, apparently.

I'm going to tell her that if steps are not taken to resolve all of the issues, I will have no choice but to file for divorce in order to provide a stable situation for our son.

I also plan on telling her I am going to file for full custody; I am in the process of changing jobs from an office/cubicle government gig to a remote work with travel situation, and I will be able to live wherever I want. I will also be making more money than her, living in a place with better schools and higher median income than our current neighborhood. I don't have every indiscretion of hers documented, but I have a few.

Is there any way a judge would side with me?

You sound like a whiny immature person OP. I would listen to the PP that recommended therapy and learning how to “fight”. You also seem selfish to me and you love playing the victim. I am sure that if your wife wrote here, we would hear about your passive aggressive behavior, of you making her feel like you are the victim, etc... grow some bal#s. If you leave the marriage, YOU are the one giving up.