are we both crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what would be the reasons to stay together with your wife other than for your child?

because 98% of the time we love each other dearly and are like best friends. We have the same interests, philosophical approach, and the chemistry between us-we have all the intangibles for a successful partnership.

Its that 2% of the time when we are fighting.

I am determined to not have any more yelling or fighting in the house with the kid there. I'm not saying its ok when he's not there, either.

I do love this woman and I love her family, as well. They have taken me in and they have intervened with her before when she suffered from post-partum.

That’s such a different picture from her throwing you down the stairs.

And you saying that the only thing good about the relationship is the baby. In your opening post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are both crazy.

trite and unhelpful shitpost.

Pretty sure OP was asking a rhetorical.

Sock-puppetting much, OP?

[OreoTwin]

Hello There,
It’s confusing when everyone here is anonymous. I can’t tell whose saying what. But anyway, while your situation is really difficult, there is always something you can do. A good understanding of the dynamics of a good husband-wife relationship might help you start a fresh course. My wife and I read a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Eggerichs. It might help you as well. We have friends who actually attended one of their seminars and its a life changer. You can find the book here http://bit.ly/2GMksiM. They also have an audio version http://bit.ly/2GMFDRT. Consider reading it, it might help you get a new perspective and fresh approach to your situation. I hope it works for you. OreoTwin.

[Anonymous]

fyi - when she says you are not listening, she doesn't mean literally as you think it does. She means you are not seeing the bigger picture. She is trying to communicate something else with you. The fact you haven't picked up on hat makes me think you are a total dweeb. Again you're both doomed. Divorce is the only way out. My guess is she'll pull the trigger and you'll stil be complaining about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:fyi - when she says you are not listening, she doesn't mean literally as you think it does. She means you are not seeing the bigger picture. She is trying to communicate something else with you. The fact you haven't picked up on hat makes me think you are a total dweeb. Again you're both doomed. Divorce is the only way out. My guess is she'll pull the trigger and you'll stil be complaining about it here.

Yes, this, a thousand times.

If she is communicating something that you are not responding to, you have no idea how to attend to issues with her. Clearly you feel the same way. The unhealthy patterns that have been set are hard to break, as you have seen. The interactions you have are toxic. Notice I said the interactions you have - not that SHE CREATES, which is the stance you have taken this entire thread. You BOTH have a role in this, and I worry that you are completely oblivious to how you can magnify issues with your own negative contributions. You cast a lot of blame, and while certainly there are ares of responsibility left solely to your wife, there are areas of responsibility solely for you too.
There is no way that one person can ever be held 100% responsible for the entire health of a marriage. Both adults must be accountable, but there is so much toxic interaction it is messy and will be hard to uncover. How you talk to and argue with each other is the surface focus, but your underlying philosophy around characteristics, respect and how that is ultimately communicated with each other goes much deeper in the long run of life through a marriage, and is often tied to malfunctions we each have within ourselves. You should consider individual therapy to figure out what is going on with you.

I do think you are playing a much bigger role here than you realize, and wonder if you have experienced abuse yourself in your childhood. One thing that is clear to me, your wife is communicating that she needs space from you. You are interpreting it as a punishment that "ruins a beautiful day" or "keeps everyone in suspense". There are so many issues that need to be unpacked. But with a warped perspective, it will never happen, so you have to start with you. It's hard work, and won't happen overnight, it may take years to build good habits, but it can be done. It would take a dramatic lifestyle alteration to truly make it work. I don't know if you have that in you now, or if she does. If you love her, and your child, and your family, and you want this to work, put your grown man pants on and get educated from people who have done it. Don't just go find a resource external that will validate a decision you have already made in your mind. There are a lot of crappy therapists out there. The good ones will guide you through a process that will help you see gradual improvement in your lives. Start with you, without expectation from her, and go from there.

If you are indeed abusive - the chances of success with this are low. Especially if you don't do your own internal work.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are both crazy.

trite and unhelpful shitpost.

Pretty sure OP was asking a rhetorical.

Sock-puppetting much, OP?

PP, this was mine and not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:fyi - when she says you are not listening, she doesn't mean literally as you think it does. She means you are not seeing the bigger picture. She is trying to communicate something else with you. The fact you haven't picked up on hat makes me think you are a total dweeb. Again you're both doomed. Divorce is the only way out. My guess is she'll pull the trigger and you'll stil be complaining about it here.

Yes, this, a thousand times.

If she is communicating something that you are not responding to, you have no idea how to attend to issues with her. Clearly you feel the same way. The unhealthy patterns that have been set are hard to break, as you have seen. The interactions you have are toxic. Notice I said the interactions you have - not that SHE CREATES, which is the stance you have taken this entire thread. You BOTH have a role in this, and I worry that you are completely oblivious to how you can magnify issues with your own negative contributions. You cast a lot of blame, and while certainly there are ares of responsibility left solely to your wife, there are areas of responsibility solely for you too.
There is no way that one person can ever be held 100% responsible for the entire health of a marriage. Both adults must be accountable, but there is so much toxic interaction it is messy and will be hard to uncover. How you talk to and argue with each other is the surface focus, but your underlying philosophy around characteristics, respect and how that is ultimately communicated with each other goes much deeper in the long run of life through a marriage, and is often tied to malfunctions we each have within ourselves. You should consider individual therapy to figure out what is going on with you.

I do think you are playing a much bigger role here than you realize, and wonder if you have experienced abuse yourself in your childhood. One thing that is clear to me, your wife is communicating that she needs space from you. You are interpreting it as a punishment that "ruins a beautiful day" or "keeps everyone in suspense". There are so many issues that need to be unpacked. But with a warped perspective, it will never happen, so you have to start with you. It's hard work, and won't happen overnight, it may take years to build good habits, but it can be done. It would take a dramatic lifestyle alteration to truly make it work. I don't know if you have that in you now, or if she does. If you love her, and your child, and your family, and you want this to work, put your grown man pants on and get educated from people who have done it. Don't just go find a resource external that will validate a decision you have already made in your mind. There are a lot of crappy therapists out there. The good ones will guide you through a process that will help you see gradual improvement in your lives. Start with you, without expectation from her, and go from there.

If you are indeed abusive - the chances of success with this are low. Especially if you don't do your own internal work.

Good luck.

op here, thank you for this. You've all given me a lot of good information and I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

You’re welcome.