Stay after spouse cheats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to chime in on open marriage with "emotional boundaries."

It's a myth. Stay in marriage or leave it, decide this as a couple. Pretending he can get some on the side and be completely emotionless is plain stupid.

The marital vow of sexual fidelity is bidirectional. In pledging to have sex ONLY with spouse, there is a commitment to actually have sex WITH your spouse. Both OP and her husband have broken this vow. In neither case was this decided as a couple. Pretending she can stop meeting her side of the vow while expecting him to still meet his is plain stupid. No, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Both are equally wrong. He is not MORE wrong.

I can relate to OP. I was a (overall) fabulous wife to DH for 13 years, two little kids, then last year he cheated and developed feelings for the OW. Now we are in counseling, trying to work toward a better second marriage together. I too had lost interest in sex over the years, although we were still doing it once a week at best, or twice a month at worst, but it was more for his pleasure. This is complicated. I take responsibility for letting that part of myself dry up, but I also had a medical condition/hormone problem, and neither of us did anything to bring excitement or romance back into the bedroom. We both withdrew emotionally and became roommates who had the kind of routine, boring sex that happens in most long-term relationships (esp with kids). He doesn't blame me for the affair. But, I've recovered my sexual appetite through counseling, and now we are working on restoring emotional intimacy. A big part of this is mutual forgiveness, because as many have pointed out, you both have resentments to deal with. But if you both sincerely want to strive for a stronger new marriage, there is no reason why you can't accomplish that. But it's hard, and it will take time. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

It's a rare man who will throw a bomb into his marriage on purpose. It's a rare man who will seek out confrontation. Most men will find a way to solve things that involves the simplest route. In this case, that's having sex with other people.

Your husband needed sex. He knew talking to you and trying to work it out with you would not suddenly result in sex, so he took the easier path to get what he needed more immediately. He took a risk and decided that X months of peace at home plus sex elsewhere was worth it instead of the combination of no sex at home and hell at home resulting from "talks" about wanting sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a dick.

He is. Should I cheat if my spouse won't take out the garbage, or hear about my day as often as I think they should? Women give these reasons for cheating, or like one friend I had she couldn't stand his mil or kids. Used that as an excuse for cheating.

Never an excuse to cheat. And for the woman on here with hormone problems. Seriously? He cheated for other reasons. If you get sick someday you may not be able to count on him.

[Anonymous]

It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

It's a rare man who will throw a bomb into his marriage on purpose. It's a rare man who will seek out confrontation. Most men will find a way to solve things that involves the simplest route. In this case, that's having sex with other people.

Your husband needed sex. He knew talking to you and trying to work it out with you would not suddenly result in sex, so he took the easier path to get what he needed more immediately. He took a risk and decided that X months of peace at home plus sex elsewhere was worth it instead of the combination of no sex at home and hell at home resulting from "talks" about wanting sex.

A poor choice. The marriage is forever broken. Unfortunately many cannot get divorced because of finances or other reasons.

Plan B would be take out a good life ins. policy, and feed him meals like chuck wagon casserole daily. Don't remind him to take his meds, or pick them up from the pharmacy on time. Hopefully events will favor DW down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

It's a rare man who will throw a bomb into his marriage on purpose. It's a rare man who will seek out confrontation. Most men will find a way to solve things that involves the simplest route. In this case, that's having sex with other people.

Your husband needed sex. He knew talking to you and trying to work it out with you would not suddenly result in sex, so he took the easier path to get what he needed more immediately. He took a risk and decided that X months of peace at home plus sex elsewhere was worth it instead of the combination of no sex at home and hell at home resulting from "talks" about wanting sex.

It's bs. My ex chose smoking and less showering over sex at home. Plenty of men do the same like stopping exercising. Instead of fixing that they go look for whoever accepts them in their new image.
And even bigger b.s. about confrontation. You clearly know nothing about real world marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

Seriously, get out, see how the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

Seriously, get out, see how the world works.

Sorry, misread. The above was for the "declare open marriage" poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

It's a rare man who will throw a bomb into his marriage on purpose. It's a rare man who will seek out confrontation. Most men will find a way to solve things that involves the simplest route. In this case, that's having sex with other people.

Your husband needed sex. He knew talking to you and trying to work it out with you would not suddenly result in sex, so he took the easier path to get what he needed more immediately. He took a risk and decided that X months of peace at home plus sex elsewhere was worth it instead of the combination of no sex at home and hell at home resulting from "talks" about wanting sex.

It's bs. My ex chose smoking and less showering over sex at home. Plenty of men do the same like stopping exercising. Instead of fixing that they go look for whoever accepts them in their new image.
And even bigger b.s. about confrontation. You clearly know nothing about real world marriages

You know you could make your counterpoint without resorting to a childish insult? This is why dialogue on DCUM never works. People refuse to debate the different sides of complicated issues without throwing in random attacks. If you don't agree with my point, that makes a clueless moron. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You know you could make your counterpoint without resorting to a childish insult? This is why dialogue on DCUM never works. People refuse to debate the different sides of complicated issues without throwing in random attacks. If you don't agree with my point, that makes a clueless moron. Got it.

*If you don't agree with my point, that makes me a clueless moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

lol That and uses "sexless" nonstop!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

lol That and uses "sexless" nonstop!!

OP self described her marriage as "sexless" in her opening post. A declaration of Open Marriage is entirely appropriate in a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said sex has been nonexistent and then you said you’re willing to have sex with him. We may not be getting the correct picture but you haven’t been clear. So you’re not going to get the advice you’re looking for.

Paint a clearer picture of life before the affair and we can give you better feedback.

I feel like this is a pervert Question. Not hard to understand what true poster said. What difference does it make if it was once a month, once every 6 weeks or every 6 months?

Pervert? WTF! I’m a 47 year old married mom of two who is NOT asking for sexual details - just clarification about the changes in OP’s marriage. Gimme a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

Attorney here: actually a material breach of contract does typically excuse future performance by the other party.