Stay after spouse cheats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP has been cheating too. She keeps hinting at that.

100% wrong! Not sure where I hinted at that.

[Anonymous]

You said sex has been nonexistent and then you said you’re willing to have sex with him. We may not be getting the correct picture but you haven’t been clear. So you’re not going to get the advice you’re looking for.

Paint a clearer picture of life before the affair and we can give you better feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was having frequent sex with my spouse and he cheated I'd kick him out. If I chose not to have frequent sex and he cheated I'd have to look in the mirror and ask where am I and where am I going.

Sure you would.

What is with the influx of posters blaming the non-cheating spouse? It's always been a thing on DCUM but it's insane lately. Did you all miss the day in preschool when you were taught two wrongs don't make a right? I don't really care that your spouse isn't having sex with you (or whatever your excuse), that does not give you a free pass. It gives you the right to talk to them about it, or ask for an open marriage, or pursue a separation, but you do not get to unilaterally decide you're going to have sex with another person. And please, please stop lying to yourselves that your spouse is gleefully withholding sex as a hobby to torture you, and that they don't have a reason. You can't really be that stupid.

I think it's one poster, who can't find a date, forget a wife. Frustration is showing.

[Anonymous]

Do you know for sure he is cheating? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said sex has been nonexistent and then you said you’re willing to have sex with him. We may not be getting the correct picture but you haven’t been clear. So you’re not going to get the advice you’re looking for.

Paint a clearer picture of life before the affair and we can give you better feedback.

I feel like this is a pervert Question. Not hard to understand what true poster said. What difference does it make if it was once a month, once every 6 weeks or every 6 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read chumplady. Do not stay. You deserve better.

Really? she’s got a reliable room mate who doesn’t “pressure her” to have sex. Most women would be envious of that deal. How can she possibly do any better?

You are an ass! You make it sound like I bring nothing to the equation. I’m a successful professional woman and a great mother to my children. My husband and I have a great intellectual (and I thought emotional) connection. We have fun together. And until recently (when I assume he started seeing the other person), we enjoyed each ither’s company and had lots of fun together. I love him and have supported him through many really tough emotional times. He is more than a roommate and I have given him a lot and sacrificed a lot for him and his career, all the while finding a way to make mine work too. A real relationship (maybe you have never had one) is about more than sex, although I admit I fell down in the sex part.

If you could not figure out that men need sex, you are not that smart. Now go and continue enjoying your highly intelectual connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read chumplady. Do not stay. You deserve better.

Really? she’s got a reliable room mate who doesn’t “pressure her” to have sex. Most women would be envious of that deal. How can she possibly do any better?

You are an ass! You make it sound like I bring nothing to the equation. I’m a successful professional woman and a great mother to my children. My husband and I have a great intellectual (and I thought emotional) connection. We have fun together. And until recently (when I assume he started seeing the other person), we enjoyed each ither’s company and had lots of fun together. I love him and have supported him through many really tough emotional times. He is more than a roommate and I have given him a lot and sacrificed a lot for him and his career, all the while finding a way to make mine work too. A real relationship (maybe you have never had one) is about more than sex, although I admit I fell down in the sex part.

If you could not figure out that men need sex, you are not that smart. Now go and continue enjoying your highly intelectual connection.

Life is way more complicated. Monogamous sex for decades can be an absolute mind fu*k. The realization that the world is an unsatisfying, dissapointing and heartbreaking march to a dirt bath is sobering. The distractions people manufacture to avoid the situation can be entertaining to observe however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was having frequent sex with my spouse and he cheated I'd kick him out. If I chose not to have frequent sex and he cheated I'd have to look in the mirror and ask where am I and where am I going.

Sure you would.

What is with the influx of posters blaming the non-cheating spouse? It's always been a thing on DCUM but it's insane lately. Did you all miss the day in preschool when you were taught two wrongs don't make a right? I don't really care that your spouse isn't having sex with you (or whatever your excuse), that does not give you a free pass. It gives you the right to talk to them about it, or ask for an open marriage, or pursue a separation, but you do not get to unilaterally decide you're going to have sex with another person. And please, please stop lying to yourselves that your spouse is gleefully withholding sex as a hobby to torture you, and that they don't have a reason. You can't really be that stupid.

Where are all these posts blaming OP? What has been stated (correctly, and by multiple different posters) is that his and her actions are comparably wrong, and that him going elsewhere is a 100% predictable outcome. Should he have mentioned the fact that she (by withholding sex) had opened their marriage? Yes. Likewise, she should have mentioned that she would not be participating in the sex part of marriage anymore. Her decision was just as unilateral as his, both took negative action without a free pass or seeking agreement. Neither is right, both are equally wrong.

I would call it pretty stupid to portray his actions as any "more wrong" than hers. If him going elsewhere is an unforgivable affront to the marriage, so is her withdrawal from their sexual relations, and she should have immediately divorced him upon deciding she was done with sex. Or, if you think she was fine to continue being married despite having no desire for sex, then he was equally fine to stay married while having sex elsewhere. Whether or not she was gleeful while not caring about her spouse's important and legitimate needs is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was having frequent sex with my spouse and he cheated I'd kick him out. If I chose not to have frequent sex and he cheated I'd have to look in the mirror and ask where am I and where am I going.

Sure you would.

What is with the influx of posters blaming the non-cheating spouse? It's always been a thing on DCUM but it's insane lately. Did you all miss the day in preschool when you were taught two wrongs don't make a right? I don't really care that your spouse isn't having sex with you (or whatever your excuse), that does not give you a free pass. It gives you the right to talk to them about it, or ask for an open marriage, or pursue a separation, but you do not get to unilaterally decide you're going to have sex with another person. And please, please stop lying to yourselves that your spouse is gleefully withholding sex as a hobby to torture you, and that they don't have a reason. You can't really be that stupid.

Where are all these posts blaming OP? What has been stated (correctly, and by multiple different posters) is that his and her actions are comparably wrong, and that him going elsewhere is a 100% predictable outcome. Should he have mentioned the fact that she (by withholding sex) had opened their marriage? Yes. Likewise, she should have mentioned that she would not be participating in the sex part of marriage anymore. Her decision was just as unilateral as his, both took negative action without a free pass or seeking agreement. Neither is right, both are equally wrong.

I would call it pretty stupid to portray his actions as any "more wrong" than hers. If him going elsewhere is an unforgivable affront to the marriage, so is her withdrawal from their sexual relations, and she should have immediately divorced him upon deciding she was done with sex. Or, if you think she was fine to continue being married despite having no desire for sex, then he was equally fine to stay married while having sex elsewhere. Whether or not she was gleeful while not caring about her spouse's important and legitimate needs is irrelevant.

I disagree with so much of this. The first part being the OP claims she does/is willing to have sex, so your argument about him being excused to cheat is invalid. And it DOES make a difference about the reason why a spouse may be withholding sex on purpose - is the spouse withholding sex because the other spouse is rude/verbally abusive/has poor hygiene/etc? That is much different than playing a game to manipulate your spouse or withholding it just for fun. And I would say it could be "more wrong" to go outside the marriage if the cheater has not communicated with their spouse or attempted to get sex at home. You make it seem like if a spouse goes to bed early with a headache, the other is free to walk outside and have sex with the first person they encounter on the street. Sorry, you don't get to do that. You made some vows. If you haven't attempted to identify the reason WHY your spouse won't have sex with you, no you don't get to place the blame on them and get your free pass. If you have and the issue is unresolveable, that's when you can explore your options. The "withholding" spouse doesn't have to say anything - their behavior is the notification, that's pretty obvious.

Also, intent is a real thing - that's why intent matters if you're on trial for murder. Obviously it's important.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to chime in on open marriage with "emotional boundaries."

It's a myth. Stay in marriage or leave it, decide this as a couple. Pretending he can get some on the side and be completely emotionless is plain stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to chime in on open marriage with "emotional boundaries."

It's a myth. Stay in marriage or leave it, decide this as a couple. Pretending he can get some on the side and be completely emotionless is plain stupid.

Yep. Married men who cheat like to pretend it is just for the sex but often times it is so much more.

[Anonymous]

OP are you a woman or is this a gay relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said sex has been nonexistent and then you said you’re willing to have sex with him. We may not be getting the correct picture but you haven’t been clear. So you’re not going to get the advice you’re looking for.

Paint a clearer picture of life before the affair and we can give you better feedback.

I feel like this is a pervert Question. Not hard to understand what true poster said. What difference does it make if it was once a month, once every 6 weeks or every 6 months?

From the standpoint of the guy it makes a huge difference, I can tell you! All of the above are too infrequent, but 6 months!!! Nobody signed up for THAT!

[Anonymous]

OP, my DW would have said everything was really well in our marriage even though we were not having sex.
Not saying you did this, but possibly you turning him down for sex multiple times was all the talk he felt he needed.
If you want to save the marriage talk to him agree to sex, because even if its not important to you it obviously is to him and you must be willing to do it to save your marriage.
Also not to be a jerk, but like a pp said I have a great relationship as you described with lots of friends, you marriage need to be more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to chime in on open marriage with "emotional boundaries."

It's a myth. Stay in marriage or leave it, decide this as a couple. Pretending he can get some on the side and be completely emotionless is plain stupid.

The marital vow of sexual fidelity is bidirectional. In pledging to have sex ONLY with spouse, there is a commitment to actually have sex WITH your spouse. Both OP and her husband have broken this vow. In neither case was this decided as a couple. Pretending she can stop meeting her side of the vow while expecting him to still meet his is plain stupid. No, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Both are equally wrong. He is not MORE wrong.