Stay after spouse cheats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

Are you obtuse? You think it really needs to be said out loud? You KNOW you’re not providing a crucial part of marriage but you’re like, “yeah well we are married and not doing it. But he should have mentioned it!” Cmon lady. Don’t be dumb.

Look, there are a lot of things in marriage that he is not living up to either. Maybe the use of “sexless” was wrong. We DO have sex, just not terribly frequently. But, honestly, when I work Ft and do 100 percent of the kid and housework because his job is oh so important, maybe i’m Mentally and physically exhausted. When he travels 60-70 percent of the time so I have no support (emotional or help around the house), maybe that doesn’t make me dying to jump in bed with him the second he gets home. I have no social or support network where we live because I have moved 9 times for his job (all the while being a trouper and finding a way to keep my career going, sacrificing better positions to make his career work). He doesn’t make time or seemingly sacrifice anything for me, so i’m Not sure how he can expect intimacy at will.

See, it’s a 2 way street. I am actually willing, but I can’t turn it off and on like that—i’m Not a guy.

So, yes, I do think he owes me the courtesy of discussing it.

Oh, and before you say I want to stay for the money, I make about 250k by myself so I don’t need Home for the money (and I live in a community property state so I get half anyway).

[Anonymous]

Wife (for now) here- my husband stopped having sex with me, it's been over 2 years now. I don't think he has cheated. I had an emotional affair (was never physical and he caught me), and now I am the cheater and he says he can't trust me anymore. I have not been in contact with the EA person in over a year now. We are in therapy, but we only seem to be addressing his trust issues, and none of my issues. Because I am the cheater.

So OP, I hope he doesn't leave me (the cheater) but I want that intimacy. I want it with HIM. Maybe your husband would prefer it with you, as well...??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

Are you obtuse? You think it really needs to be said out loud? You KNOW you’re not providing a crucial part of marriage but you’re like, “yeah well we are married and not doing it. But he should have mentioned it!” Cmon lady. Don’t be dumb.

Look, there are a lot of things in marriage that he is not living up to either. Maybe the use of “sexless” was wrong. We DO have sex, just not terribly frequently. But, honestly, when I work Ft and do 100 percent of the kid and housework because his job is oh so important, maybe i’m Mentally and physically exhausted. When he travels 60-70 percent of the time so I have no support (emotional or help around the house), maybe that doesn’t make me dying to jump in bed with him the second he gets home. I have no social or support network where we live because I have moved 9 times for his job (all the while being a trouper and finding a way to keep my career going, sacrificing better positions to make his career work). He doesn’t make time or seemingly sacrifice anything for me, so i’m Not sure how he can expect intimacy at will.

See, it’s a 2 way street. I am actually willing, but I can’t turn it off and on like that—i’m Not a guy.

So, yes, I do think he owes me the courtesy of discussing it.

Oh, and before you say I want to stay for the money, I make about 250k by myself so I don’t need Home for the money (and I live in a community property state so I get half anyway).

You don't get a cookie or recognition. I do all of that, have a "high powered job" and I am a single parent. I am exhausted EVERYDAY and STILL have the urge to have sex. Being tired is BS, when you want it, you want it. It's the best when you are tired . . . getting a massage and a little bit of loving! Yes.

MEN: Don't believe the "i am too tired to have sex crap." It's a line that women like to use to deny you sex. Washing dishes, doing laundry, helping with homework, nursing a new baby, have NOTHING to do with your sex drive. There are deeper issues involved in the denial of sex in a marriage. Is she being satisfied, so it makes it fun. Are you being intimate with her outside of physical attraction.

Now, if she has medical issues, that is another story but don't blame housework on not wanting sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

lol That and uses "sexless" nonstop!!

OP self described her marriage as "sexless" in her opening post. A declaration of Open Marriage is entirely appropriate in a sexless marriage.

You have a OCD called Open Marriage Syndrome...I swear lol.

More men just need to divorce their wives who deny them sex problem solved.

Completely agree. I wonder why my husband didn't just divorce me instead of cheating. Oh woops because the whole sexless marriage narrative was patently false. Who woulda thought! AP was pretty freaking pissed when I got pregnant.

No, you were pissed when you found out he was cheating. Take care of your marriage. Please, do us a favor and take care of your man.

Good for her! Not sure if she's still married but if she is he means nothing. The kids are all she needs to worry about because they are her family. He isn't and proved it. She may need him for a period of time because of realities, but he ended it when he cheated. Why most women put their kids and pets far above their spouse.

PP here. Um of course I was pissed when I found out abt the cheating. What kind of a statement is that? And yes AP was also "crushed" when she found out I was pregnant. He left. They're together. I have full custody. Me and kids are doing amazing. The two of them are in a ....volatile relationship. He and I are friends for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

Are you obtuse? You think it really needs to be said out loud? You KNOW you’re not providing a crucial part of marriage but you’re like, “yeah well we are married and not doing it. But he should have mentioned it!” Cmon lady. Don’t be dumb.

Look, there are a lot of things in marriage that he is not living up to either. Maybe the use of “sexless” was wrong. We DO have sex, just not terribly frequently. But, honestly, when I work Ft and do 100 percent of the kid and housework because his job is oh so important, maybe i’m Mentally and physically exhausted. When he travels 60-70 percent of the time so I have no support (emotional or help around the house), maybe that doesn’t make me dying to jump in bed with him the second he gets home. I have no social or support network where we live because I have moved 9 times for his job (all the while being a trouper and finding a way to keep my career going, sacrificing better positions to make his career work). He doesn’t make time or seemingly sacrifice anything for me, so i’m Not sure how he can expect intimacy at will.

See, it’s a 2 way street. I am actually willing, but I can’t turn it off and on like that—i’m Not a guy.

So, yes, I do think he owes me the courtesy of discussing it.

Oh, and before you say I want to stay for the money, I make about 250k by myself so I don’t need Home for the money (and I live in a community property state so I get half anyway).

You don't get a cookie or recognition. I do all of that, have a "high powered job" and I am a single parent. I am exhausted EVERYDAY and STILL have the urge to have sex. Being tired is BS, when you want it, you want it. It's the best when you are tired . . . getting a massage and a little bit of loving! Yes.

MEN: Don't believe the "i am too tired to have sex crap." It's a line that women like to use to deny you sex. Washing dishes, doing laundry, helping with homework, nursing a new baby, have NOTHING to do with your sex drive. There are deeper issues involved in the denial of sex in a marriage. Is she being satisfied, so it makes it fun. Are you being intimate with her outside of physical attraction.

Now, if she has medical issues, that is another story but don't blame housework on not wanting sex.

I'm not the OP BUT the OP didn't specifically say she never has the urge. She did say she was tired, yes. But honestly, if I were her, that sort of behavior from my husband would not be attractive - at all. He just wants to come home from work to a hot dinner and expects to get laid? No thanks. He doesn't need to write her poems or hire a skywriter, but appreciation through action goes a long freaking way. And THIS is exactly the reason why the sexless marriage whiners on this board won't ever understand that it's not that their wives are dried up - it's that they don't understand that a woman's libido is different then theirs. A crappy husband in a sexy outfit isn't attractive. An amazing husband in sweats is ridiculously hot. It's not a woman's age that diminishes their drive, it's men getting complacent. And I don't want to hear whining about it being complicated because if you care about someone, you want to make them happy. And it's not hard to figure out. If we as females are striving to stay fit and exciting for our husbands, they can make some effort too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife (for now) here- my husband stopped having sex with me, it's been over 2 years now. I don't think he has cheated. I had an emotional affair (was never physical and he caught me), and now I am the cheater and he says he can't trust me anymore. I have not been in contact with the EA person in over a year now. We are in therapy, but we only seem to be addressing his trust issues, and none of my issues. Because I am the cheater.

So OP, I hope he doesn't leave me (the cheater) but I want that intimacy. I want it with HIM. Maybe your husband would prefer it with you, as well...??

OP here. I really want it with him. I’m not opposed to sex. Our sex life just got off track and I don’t know how to get it back on. I need his help and his support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

Are you obtuse? You think it really needs to be said out loud? You KNOW you’re not providing a crucial part of marriage but you’re like, “yeah well we are married and not doing it. But he should have mentioned it!” Cmon lady. Don’t be dumb.

Look, there are a lot of things in marriage that he is not living up to either. Maybe the use of “sexless” was wrong. We DO have sex, just not terribly frequently. But, honestly, when I work Ft and do 100 percent of the kid and housework because his job is oh so important, maybe i’m Mentally and physically exhausted. When he travels 60-70 percent of the time so I have no support (emotional or help around the house), maybe that doesn’t make me dying to jump in bed with him the second he gets home. I have no social or support network where we live because I have moved 9 times for his job (all the while being a trouper and finding a way to keep my career going, sacrificing better positions to make his career work). He doesn’t make time or seemingly sacrifice anything for me, so i’m Not sure how he can expect intimacy at will.

See, it’s a 2 way street. I am actually willing, but I can’t turn it off and on like that—i’m Not a guy.

So, yes, I do think he owes me the courtesy of discussing it.

Oh, and before you say I want to stay for the money, I make about 250k by myself so I don’t need Home for the money (and I live in a community property state so I get half anyway).

You don't get a cookie or recognition. I do all of that, have a "high powered job" and I am a single parent. I am exhausted EVERYDAY and STILL have the urge to have sex. Being tired is BS, when you want it, you want it. It's the best when you are tired . . . getting a massage and a little bit of loving! Yes.

MEN: Don't believe the "i am too tired to have sex crap." It's a line that women like to use to deny you sex. Washing dishes, doing laundry, helping with homework, nursing a new baby, have NOTHING to do with your sex drive. There are deeper issues involved in the denial of sex in a marriage. Is she being satisfied, so it makes it fun. Are you being intimate with her outside of physical attraction.

Now, if she has medical issues, that is another story but don't blame housework on not wanting sex.

So wait. Are you saying that I should work FT and do everything and he should just come home, have everything done for him and get to have sex? Why doesn’t he have to share the burden of our mutual house and children we both agreed to have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not the OP BUT the OP didn't specifically say she never has the urge. She did say she was tired, yes. But honestly, if I were her, that sort of behavior from my husband would not be attractive - at all. He just wants to come home from work to a hot dinner and expects to get laid? No thanks. He doesn't need to write her poems or hire a skywriter, but appreciation through action goes a long freaking way. And THIS is exactly the reason why the sexless marriage whiners on this board won't ever understand that it's not that their wives are dried up - it's that they don't understand that a woman's libido is different then theirs. A crappy husband in a sexy outfit isn't attractive. An amazing husband in sweats is ridiculously hot. It's not a woman's age that diminishes their drive, it's men getting complacent. And I don't want to hear whining about it being complicated because if you care about someone, you want to make them happy. And it's not hard to figure out. If we as females are striving to stay fit and exciting for our husbands, they can make some effort too.

It’s been hard to follow OP’s ever shifting story. But let’s presume her most recent post is accurate, and that her husband is a selfish jerk, and that’s why she never wants sex (with him). So why is she still married to this loser? THAT is the problem. Women who happily stay married to jerks. Just leave him. Problem solved. But don’t stay married, not have sex... AND expect him not to go elsewhere for sex.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For the person who asked, he denied it (of course). He did seem concerned about how to move forward and keep our relationship. I felt a little gaslighted because I couldn’t prove what I saw (text that, of course, no longer existed). I knew that might happen because I had no proof, but I do know what I saw. I’m focusing on moving forward and fixing things. Maybe it’s not possible. I’m assuming he cheated (or at least had an emotional affair) and moving forward. I wish he would admit it but i’m Not surprised he won’t (and I told him that—i’m Fairly rational and reasonable). I feel betrayed and I’m not sure whether/how to trust him. I know I saw what I saw but it’s he’s not to stop doubting myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Wait. OP here. If he is so unhappy with the frequency of SEC that he wants to cheat, shouldn’t he mention it first? Like, hey, Sex life is not what i’m Looking for, let’s work on it? TBH, the last couple of times we had sex, he seemed to not to be into it (already cheating, I would guess).

Are you obtuse? You think it really needs to be said out loud? You KNOW you’re not providing a crucial part of marriage but you’re like, “yeah well we are married and not doing it. But he should have mentioned it!” Cmon lady. Don’t be dumb.

Look, there are a lot of things in marriage that he is not living up to either. Maybe the use of “sexless” was wrong. We DO have sex, just not terribly frequently. But, honestly, when I work Ft and do 100 percent of the kid and housework because his job is oh so important, maybe i’m Mentally and physically exhausted. When he travels 60-70 percent of the time so I have no support (emotional or help around the house), maybe that doesn’t make me dying to jump in bed with him the second he gets home. I have no social or support network where we live because I have moved 9 times for his job (all the while being a trouper and finding a way to keep my career going, sacrificing better positions to make his career work). He doesn’t make time or seemingly sacrifice anything for me, so i’m Not sure how he can expect intimacy at will.

See, it’s a 2 way street. I am actually willing, but I can’t turn it off and on like that—i’m Not a guy.

So, yes, I do think he owes me the courtesy of discussing it.

Oh, and before you say I want to stay for the money, I make about 250k by myself so I don’t need Home for the money (and I live in a community property state so I get half anyway).

You don't get a cookie or recognition. I do all of that, have a "high powered job" and I am a single parent. I am exhausted EVERYDAY and STILL have the urge to have sex. Being tired is BS, when you want it, you want it. It's the best when you are tired . . . getting a massage and a little bit of loving! Yes.

MEN: Don't believe the "i am too tired to have sex crap." It's a line that women like to use to deny you sex. Washing dishes, doing laundry, helping with homework, nursing a new baby, have NOTHING to do with your sex drive. There are deeper issues involved in the denial of sex in a marriage. Is she being satisfied, so it makes it fun. Are you being intimate with her outside of physical attraction.

Now, if she has medical issues, that is another story but don't blame housework on not wanting sex.

So wait. Are you saying that I should work FT and do everything and he should just come home, have everything done for him and get to have sex? Why doesn’t he have to share the burden of our mutual house and children we both agreed to have?

Stop doing it then. Outsource the cleaning and cooking but not the sex.

[Anonymous]

By living in a sexless marriage you’re just inviting an affair. It’s a crucial part and when you decide it isn’t as important as cleaning the house, your job or it’s so low in the list you’ll do anything but, you shouldn’t be surprised when the rejected spouse finds that elsewhere. Everyone wants intimacy, if you’re not interested in providing that someone else will gladly pick up the slack for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

lol That and uses "sexless" nonstop!!

OP self described her marriage as "sexless" in her opening post. A declaration of Open Marriage is entirely appropriate in a sexless marriage.

You have a OCD called Open Marriage Syndrome...I swear lol.

More men just need to divorce their wives who deny them sex problem solved.

Completely agree. I wonder why my husband didn't just divorce me instead of cheating. Oh woops because the whole sexless marriage narrative was patently false. Who woulda thought! AP was pretty freaking pissed when I got pregnant.

No, you were pissed when you found out he was cheating. Take care of your marriage. Please, do us a favor and take care of your man.

Good for her! Not sure if she's still married but if she is he means nothing. The kids are all she needs to worry about because they are her family. He isn't and proved it. She may need him for a period of time because of realities, but he ended it when he cheated. Why most women put their kids and pets far above their spouse.

Jesus, are YOU bitter or what?! With an attitude like that small wonder why DH would roam. Why wouldn't he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stuns me how DCUM is both filled with attorneys and filled with people who believe that one party violating one provision of a contract frees the other party to do the same or worse.

That's not people. It's one incredibly persistent, stunningly unfulfilled and lonely guy. We call him "the Declare Open Marriage guy." He's loud but mostly just really sad.

lol That and uses "sexless" nonstop!!

OP self described her marriage as "sexless" in her opening post. A declaration of Open Marriage is entirely appropriate in a sexless marriage.

You have a OCD called Open Marriage Syndrome...I swear lol.

More men just need to divorce their wives who deny them sex problem solved.

Completely agree. I wonder why my husband didn't just divorce me instead of cheating. Oh woops because the whole sexless marriage narrative was patently false. Who woulda thought! AP was pretty freaking pissed when I got pregnant.

No, you were pissed when you found out he was cheating. Take care of your marriage. Please, do us a favor and take care of your man.

Good for her! Not sure if she's still married but if she is he means nothing. The kids are all she needs to worry about because they are her family. He isn't and proved it. She may need him for a period of time because of realities, but he ended it when he cheated. Why most women put their kids and pets far above their spouse.

Jesus, are YOU bitter or what?! With an attitude like that small wonder why DH would roam. Why wouldn't he?

Why? A horrible cheating spouse isn't worth the gum under ones shoe. The reality is many women have to stay for financial reasons, or wait until the kids are almost grown. Some are too old to start over. I've seen different scenarios.

A man shouldn't be the center of any woman's universe. The children and family should definitely take precedent.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with so much of this. The first part being the OP claims she does/is willing to have sex, so your argument about him being excused to cheat is invalid.

It just dumbfounds me how stupid some women can be. Seriously, you really think the only thing men need is a warm body and to ejaculate and then we're all happy .............. You. are. Clueless. Apparently,

OP stated a few times "She's willing to have sex" , Yeah, that's exactly what all us men want. Someone to lay there and judge us while we try to be vulnerable and orgasm. Oh Yeah, that's the goal of all men. I used to be in a sexless marriage for over 25 years. Until I drew the line. She then became "willing". Fine, I'll let you pretend that I'm satisfied. Meanwhile I'm out with women that can give what they take. If you turn the marriage into sexless - you've cooked it. It's. Done. Finalto. Any man with pride eventually wakes up. If men never had children, sexless women would be kicked to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I disagree with so much of this. The first part being the OP claims she does/is willing to have sex, so your argument about him being excused to cheat is invalid.

It just dumbfounds me how stupid some women can be. Seriously, you really think the only thing men need is a warm body and to ejaculate and then we're all happy .............. You. are. Clueless. Apparently,

OP stated a few times "She's willing to have sex" , Yeah, that's exactly what all us men want. Someone to lay there and judge us while we try to be vulnerable and orgasm. Oh Yeah, that's the goal of all men. I used to be in a sexless marriage for over 25 years. Until I drew the line. She then became "willing". Fine, I'll let you pretend that I'm satisfied. Meanwhile I'm out with women that can give what they take. If you turn the marriage into sexless - you've cooked it. It's. Done. Finalto. Any man with pride eventually wakes up. If men never had children, sexless women would be kicked to the curb.

You sir are correct. Not sure why women don't understand. You decide to not have sex anymore, as soon as a nice women not only gives him sex - but passionate sex and good attention, he'll engage with an affair.

There's only so much a guy will deprive himself of before he finds a better offer. And if you're in shape, have a good job, good hygiene, stable and can hold an intelligent conversation believe me when there are women who will gladly do the part you refuse to to do.