DH keeps defending his bigoted parents

[Anonymous]

Also, all you white people commenting, telling OP what to do and how she should feel about this? You are part of the problem. White people do not get to say what is and is not racist to POC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, all you white people commenting, telling OP what to do and how she should feel about this? You are part of the problem. White people do not get to say what is and is not racist to POC.

I am white and am one of the posters who said I would cut off contact and would see my husband's behavior as a huge red flag, but I note that OP explicitly asked what others would do. It's not like people are offering unsolicited advice out of the blue. I assume she was looking for a range of viewpoints to consider.

[Anonymous]

I am also native, OP.

If my inlaws were making these types of remarks-- I would give them ONE shot. Either myself or my husband would explain that these remarks are hurtful and why. If your husband is so hell-bent on defending his parents because they are from 'a different generation', then tell him, this is his opportunity to tell them a bit about the history of my people, the suffering and oppression (I know horror stories as I am sure you do-- native teenagers with FAS killed by white teenagers (who are then given probation), old men beaten by white guys when they go to down, job discrimination, etc). Tell him that if he is soooo confident it is just a generational gap, then it is his job to educate them.

After they have had this schooling-- you will not tolerate any more remarks. If they make one in your presence, you will be gone-- with your children-- not to return until they have made a profound apology to you and your kids. And you will only forgive once. The second time, no apology will be bringing your kids back.

[Anonymous]

I would suspect your husband had a great, warm and loving childhood and that his parents, despite being racist (and probably bigoted and sexist) were in their own way great parents to him. Some people may struggle to understand why such a thing is possible, but yes, it is possible to be a loving and devoted parent and a great parent at that, while being racist. I know this because I've lived closely with Middle Eastern and South Asian cultures and watched the family dynamics. The parents could be very loving and devoted parents and worshipped by their children, but at the same time deeply racist and sexist and bigoted. Nobody is purely good or purely bad. This is not an attempt to defend the inlaws but to explain why your husband may be reluctant to challenge his parents or criticize them.

It is not an easy situation to be in. If it were me I would make clear my views to the husband that the in-laws do not respect their grandchildren, are racist and insensitive and it's not 1950 and it's simply not appropriate and that you see no signs of true familial love through their attitudes. Point out that there were plenty of people even in the 1950s who would have found such attitudes racist and insensitive. I would not cut off contact with the inlaws but I would from this point onward be direct with them every time I see or hear something I considered racist and insensitive to my ethnicity and the children. And if the inlaws do not change their attitudes, the day will come when you will not visit them nor will you let the children go. It would be their loss, not yours.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband married you and he needs to have your back. My son married a woman of another race, and it would never occur to me to treat her (or my grandchildren, if they ever have any) in this way. I love her dearly, and I consider her to be another daughter. She is beautiful inside and out, she and my son love each other so very much, and it's beautiful to see. He would go off on anyone who treated her like that, which is exactly what he should do. Shame on your husband and his family. They are missing out on a beautiful relationship, and it will harm your children. They're his children, too. He needs to step up and be a man.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. The "dark skinned child needs to take a bath" and the offensive bumper sticker are both totally over the line. The fact that they were "inspired" to send that because your children received their traditional names is particularly horrible--they were straight up making fun of your culture.

But, as other PPs have said, what you really have is a DH problem. If he understood why these things are so harmful and that it is his job to stand up for you and your children, he would speak to his parents, and either they'd shape up and apologize or you'd all stop seeing them.

Have you considered talking to a counselor with your husband? It might help to have an objective third party there to help you get through to him. Either that, or it will make it 100% clear that he is on his parents' side and not yours and the kids'. If that is what happens, I think you have a very hard decision to make: either you get divorced, or you have to set the boundary with your ILs that he refuses to set. That means you talk to your in-laws, explain that the bumper sticker and the "bath" comment (and whatever else) are unacceptable, and that if they say things like that again they will not be able to see your kids. Then you have to enforce that. I'm sure your DH won't like that but I don't think you have a choice.

[Anonymous]

OP were there red flags before you got married? B/c usually racist in laws really show out before marriage so as to discourage the relationship from the beginning. If your then boyfriend was relaxed about their comments when you were dating then I think you shouldn't be surprised by his behavior now.

I would have no contact after what was described. And for the record naming your dog Blackie, especially from a known bigot, is actually a big deal. That's like me, a black woman, who has said bigoted things about white people naming my dog Cracker and expecting a white daughter in law to shrug it off. That's passive aggressive IMO. But yeah anything offensive said against my child by a grandparent is a no go. The world is cruel enough...I wouldn't voluntarily subject my kid to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

The Irish have lots of drinking references and they embrace them. White people are fine with being made fun of and find it difficult to relate to hyper sensitivity. Lots of time whites assume other races are as resilient as they are.

White person here, and that is some Class A BS right there. There are lots of hypersensitive white people who overreact to every perceived slight--including things like "Press 1 for English" or those flipping Starbucks cups, or who think that the only way that minorities get anything is by affirmative action. Lots of snowflake white people in the world. And it's no excuse for racism and bigotry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you can decide what is right for you, but here is another perspective.

I grew up without grandparents. It was sad and I was jealous of those who had access to their grandparents. My parents and my MIL live pretty far away. We try to see them as much as possible, but it's hard and the kids miss seeing their grandparents.

I know that the relationship with your in-laws is toxic due to racial bigotry (I'm not Caucasian, so I've seen some of it, too). I personally think that having a relationship with your grandparents is more important. I would personally allow the relationship as much as I could tolerate for the benefit of your children. As they grow older, you can teach them that their grandparents have some views that you don't agree with, that they are old and set in their ways and that it's old-fashioned and uneducated, but they are their grandparents. Learn to love them despite their faults and ignore the unfair comments that they say. You can teach children to disregard the views of their grandparents that you, the parents, don't disagree with. But you can't go back later and give them back the time with their grandparents that you deprive them of when their grandparents are alive.

I disagree--if the grandparents say racist things to the grandkids, or treat the darker-skinned kid differently, or otherwise convey those sentiments, it is not necessarily better to have a relationship with them.

And since OP's husband won't stand up to them, the kids might well get the message that their dad doesn't actually disagree with them all that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

The Irish have lots of drinking references and they embrace them. White people are fine with being made fun of and find it difficult to relate to hyper sensitivity. Lots of time whites assume other races are as resilient as they are.

White person here, and that is some Class A BS right there. There are lots of hypersensitive white people who overreact to every perceived slight--including things like "Press 1 for English" or those flipping Starbucks cups, or who think that the only way that minorities get anything is by affirmative action. Lots of snowflake white people in the world. And it's no excuse for racism and bigotry.

Amen! I think my MIL has hijacked this threat with all these racist comments.

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are 25% Hispanic; I am white. If any grandparent made racist comments about Hispanics, I would warn them ONCE. Second time it happens, my kid would not be seeing them again.

That brown child looks like she needs a bath? Oh no, no, no. Totally unacceptable.

You are not being unreasonable, your husband is being an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

Yep, neither set of grandparents is close to my kids. They haven't missed a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.