DH keeps defending his bigoted parents
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Anonymous
| I’ve been married for over 15 yrs and thankfully don’t see my inlaws very often (they live 1hr away and we see them 1/yr). My husband is white, I am not. Over the years I’ve put up with their microagressions and stupid questions about my culture. I pretty much ignored it until we had kids. One of my kids has darker skin than the others. My MiL always comments on it. For example, she’ll say she’s so brown she looks like he needs a bath. These comments were made when she was not old enough to understand. Recently, I lost it after she mailed us some bumper stickers with a very offensive racial stereotypes from my culture. She thought they were fun. It’s minor, but I also bugs me that she just got a new dog and named him Blackie. I recently pointed all of these things out to my husband because I’m concerned about my kids being around her now that they are older and picking up on her ways. He said I was being too sensitive and got more upset at me than he ever had. He can keep in touch with his mother all he wants, id never come between them, but don’t think she should be in my kids lives. How would you handle this? |
Anonymous
| She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it. |
Anonymous
| Let me guess you are white and don’t see it an a problem. |
Anonymous
|
I get it OP. The comment about her skin color was awful. The bumper sticker is annoying and I think a major sign of the different generations. I think you're being a bit ridiculous about the dog name. I also think it's a little ridiculous to say she can't be in your kid's life based off what you've said. Sounds like she's made no further comments to your children. What was the bumper sticker?
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Anonymous
| I would not permit her to have any contact with my children, and I would make sure they understood that I thought she was a bad person, and why. |
Anonymous
Wow. No, the kid with dark skin does not need to hear that they need a bath. That is beyond gross. OP only see her once a year so it should be pretty easy to make sure she is never alone with your children. If she starts making comments like this, I would just get up and say it’s time to go. Obviously, you never stay in the same house as her. DH can stay longer, but you get your children out of there. If she can’t control herself for an yearly visit then the visits become every other year. |
Anonymous
| What exactly did these bumper stickers say? |
Anonymous
| I should add other raicial slurs are thrown around freely in conversation at IL home. My inlaws often call someone half breeds as an insult, when in fact they have half breed grandchildren. My husband keeps defending them saying it’s generational. I find that to be a lame excuse. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. grandparents don't have any rights- if she can't control herself from denigrating your child's skin tone (!) or sending you the type of bumper stickers with phrases I'm guessing you couldn't or wouldn't use in a professional setting, her access to the children should be limited. |
Anonymous
| My son heard rants about his dad ethnicity from his great-grandmother (who lost her filter once she reached 80). He was upset at first, but now absolutely ignores it (learned to do it with my help). Pick your battles. Lots of people think, but not say anything, no reason to wallow in it, when those without manners blurt it out. |
Anonymous
This. What did they say, OP? |
Anonymous
| Sorry, no. Little kids don't need to hear shit like that from their GRANDPARENTS for god's sake. I had an uncle who made inappropriate comments to me throughout my life. Everyone told me to ignore it, but that stuff stuck in my subconscious for years. I recently cut him out of my life and anyone who defends him down to minimal contact, and my life is so much better. I should have done it years ago. I finally did it because I had my own daughter, and no way was I going to let him have a chance at making her feel the way he made me feel. Totally team OP here. Protect your kids from these racist assholes who also have no respect for their mother. "Needs a bath"?! Are you f'ing kidding me?? |
Anonymous
OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem. |
Anonymous
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I get it. I'm white, but DH and our kids are Hispanic. My parents are so clueless. DH's first language is Spanish and his father never learned English. My parents are uber republicans and love Trump. They have said some stupid things. One time they said everyone should have to speak English to be a citizen. DH noted that his dad doesnt, and my parents said then he shouldn't be a US citizen.
DH has a Spanish name. When I introduced him to my parents, my mom said "wow, you look so white." DH is tall with fair skin, but it just highlights that my mom thinks all Hispanic men are short, dark skinned, with a little mustache. When I tell my mom my kids are Hispanic, she says they are not because they have fair skin. I could go on. OP, you can't change your in-laws. They are this way, and will continue to be this way. I gave DH a pass on ever seeing my parents again. I take the kids and he always has a big work project that he has to finish. You could try to disengage and limit your time with them. You need DH to step up and tell his parents to knock it off. Otherwise, you and the kids will have other important plans whenever the in-laws invite you and the kids over. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, but it's not "generational." My grandmother is in her 90s and thinks bigotry, and bigots, are disgusting. If your grandparents are racist, it's because they are racist, not because they're old. |