DH keeps defending his bigoted parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

He doesn't sound like a good father to me. He basically let his parents tell his child that he/she looked dirty due to his/her skin color, and has similarly failed to defend his kids against other attacks. If my parents treated my children that way, I would never let them see my kids again and I would make it abundantly clear why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

OP here. You’ve pretty much described my inlaws. They are WASPS and have lived fairly isolated lives and have not experienced much out of their racial and economic demographic. My husband, unlike his parents, has lived all over the world. He should know better than defend and accept their behavior. I’ve done ok at avoiding the inlaws and limiting my kids time with them, but I want my husband to acknowledge that by making excuses for them he is ultimately his Niraj dismissing and hurting kids. They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

No, he just loves his parents despite their flaws, and he should have the freedom to do so. Love is blind - he can love flawed people. Your goal shouldn't be getting him to turn against his parents or destroying their relationship, just getting him to recognize that their access to your impressionable children should be limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

OP here. You’ve pretty much described my inlaws. They are WASPS and have lived fairly isolated lives and have not experienced much out of their racial and economic demographic. My husband, unlike his parents, has lived all over the world. He should know better than defend and accept their behavior. I’ve done ok at avoiding the inlaws and limiting my kids time with them, but I want my husband to acknowledge that by making excuses for them he is ultimately his Niraj dismissing and hurting kids. They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

No, he just loves his parents despite their flaws, and he should have the freedom to do so. Love is blind - he can love flawed people. Your goal shouldn't be getting him to turn against his parents or destroying their relationship, just getting him to recognize that their access to your impressionable children should be limited.

OP didn't suggest he disown his parents or even limit time away from grandkids, just acknowledge that they are wrong in their racist remarks. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

Do you know races don't exist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

OP here. You’ve pretty much described my inlaws. They are WASPS and have lived fairly isolated lives and have not experienced much out of their racial and economic demographic. My husband, unlike his parents, has lived all over the world. He should know better than defend and accept their behavior. I’ve done ok at avoiding the inlaws and limiting my kids time with them, but I want my husband to acknowledge that by making excuses for them he is ultimately his Niraj dismissing and hurting kids. They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

No, he just loves his parents despite their flaws, and he should have the freedom to do so. Love is blind - he can love flawed people. Your goal shouldn't be getting him to turn against his parents or destroying their relationship, just getting him to recognize that their access to your impressionable children should be limited.

OP didn't suggest he disown his parents or even limit time away from grandkids, just acknowledge that they are wrong in their racist remarks. That's it.

Not true. She wants to tell her kids that his parents are "shitty people" when their kids are older. And there's this:

"It’s just upsetting when she calls or sends toys in the mail, suddenly my husband acts like she’s the greatest grandparent on earth. Meanwhile my parents always babysit, take my kids on long vacations, show unconditional love etc and they get no credit or criticism for spoiling them too much. I guess I’d feel better if he’d acknowledge her faults and stop pushing our kids on her."

That's going farther than just acknowledging their racist comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, all you white people commenting, telling OP what to do and how she should feel about this? You are part of the problem. White people do not get to say what is and is not racist to POC.

?????

If you truly believe this stupidity, move elsewhere.

Signed,

Hispanic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

Are you arguing that its OK? Does calling a kid a racial slur get a cancelled out of the grandma buys some toys?

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

OP here. You’ve pretty much described my inlaws. They are WASPS and have lived fairly isolated lives and have not experienced much out of their racial and economic demographic. My husband, unlike his parents, has lived all over the world. He should know better than defend and accept their behavior. I’ve done ok at avoiding the inlaws and limiting my kids time with them, but I want my husband to acknowledge that by making excuses for them he is ultimately his Niraj dismissing and hurting kids. They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

No, he just loves his parents despite their flaws, and he should have the freedom to do so. Love is blind - he can love flawed people. Your goal shouldn't be getting him to turn against his parents or destroying their relationship, just getting him to recognize that their access to your impressionable children should be limited.

OP didn't suggest he disown his parents or even limit time away from grandkids, just acknowledge that they are wrong in their racist remarks. That's it.

Not true. She wants to tell her kids that his parents are "shitty people" when their kids are older. And there's this:

"It’s just upsetting when she calls or sends toys in the mail, suddenly my husband acts like she’s the greatest grandparent on earth. Meanwhile my parents always babysit, take my kids on long vacations, show unconditional love etc and they get no credit or criticism for spoiling them too much. I guess I’d feel better if he’d acknowledge her faults and stop pushing our kids on her."

That's going farther than just acknowledging their racist comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kids are 25% Hispanic; I am white. If any grandparent made racist comments about Hispanics, I would warn them ONCE. Second time it happens, my kid would not be seeing them again.

That brown child looks like she needs a bath? Oh no, no, no. Totally unacceptable.

You are not being unreasonable, your husband is being an ass.

Sort of. You are not being unreasonable, but your DH is being his parents’ son. I would keep talking to him about it, kindly, but your marriage comes first. He’ll understand, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

Do you know races don't exist?

Really. Tell that to all black people. Or Asian people. Or Hispanic people. Or even white people. And the people who run the US Census.

[Anonymous]

I would cut off grandma and possible get rid of DH too. This is why I have always said interracial marriage does NOT cure racism. If your DH thinks you need to overlook his mother's behavior that is a serious issue and I would not let him off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, all you white people commenting, telling OP what to do and how she should feel about this? You are part of the problem. White people do not get to say what is and is not racist to POC.

?????

If you truly believe this stupidity, move elsewhere.

Signed,

Hispanic

???

Hispanic is an ethnic designation and not a race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kids are 25% Hispanic; I am white. If any grandparent made racist comments about Hispanics, I would warn them ONCE. Second time it happens, my kid would not be seeing them again.

That brown child looks like she needs a bath? Oh no, no, no. Totally unacceptable.

You are not being unreasonable, your husband is being an ass.

Sort of. You are not being unreasonable, but your DH is being his parents’ son. I would keep talking to him about it, kindly, but your marriage comes first. He’ll understand, eventually.

What if he doesn't? What happens when the kids get old enough to understand Grandma and Grandpa's comments?

[Anonymous]

I guess I am alone but I think everyone suggesting that grandma be cut out is overreacting before other measures have been take.

It also sounds to me that more than anything else OP is mad at her husband for not agreeing that his parents are behaving badly, which is understandable.

Separate the issues, OP.

First, tell your MIL to knock it off if she wants to see her grand kids. Your husband should do this, yes, but you obviously can’t wait until then so do it yourself for the time being.

Second, tell your husband that it is not his place to judge wether or not you are being “too sensitive.” You don’t want your kids exposed to degrading and racist comments and you will make sure they are not. Tell him that you hope to find an amicable solution to this whole stupid thing but not until they really truly get the message that this needs to stop.

Ignore the moral grand standing posters having orgasms over their self righteousness unless you want to get divorced over something that can almost certainly be fixed if you handle it head on.

[Anonymous]

My husband still says "it is their generation" even though they are nearly 90 and they have been racist, homophobic, and just about everything else for their entire lives. We've been married for 35 years...the crap my kids heard would curdle milk. They also don't like Jews. I am Jewish. It hasn't been easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

The Irish have lots of drinking references and they embrace them. White people are fine with being made fun of and find it difficult to relate to hyper sensitivity. Lots of time whites assume other races are as resilient as they are.

Ha. Easy to be "resilient" when you have all the money and the power. Oh but that was all just your hard work, right?