DH keeps defending his bigoted parents
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Anonymous
Why won’t you say? This is an anonymous board. Your husband says you’re being too sensitive. How does anyone know? |
Anonymous
This is an image of what was mailed shortly after my children were given their names in my language. The process of a child receiving a name is a major family affair and milestone, which thankfully my inlaws choose not to attend. She thought it was fun to mark this milestone with this phrase. I’m just not seeing how my husband can make excuses for her. https://indiancountrymedianetwork.com/culture/arts-entertainment/humorous-souvenirs-to-some-offensive-stereotypes-to-others/ |
Anonymous
| Totally unacceptable. Your husband is way out of line defending this. |
Anonymous
You have a husband problem if he doesn’t support you in this. My guess is that this isn’t the first time he’s been a jerk. |
Anonymous
He says I need to get over because it happened over a year ago and I never said anything to in laws when it happened. I was actually too hurt and shocked to react at the time. He should have handled it in my opinion. |
Anonymous
Yeah, this is not okay at all. Your children will have to deal with stuff for sure, but they shouldn't have to deal with it from their own grandparents. |
Anonymous
WTF? No. |
Anonymous
Here, this is the answer. All this excusemaking is part of the problem. |
Anonymous
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What would happen if you completely disengaged?
What would happen if you weren't between your dh and his parents. Remove you, and then it's just them. What will happen when it's just them? Here's my guess: watch him come running to you for support and an ally after getting sick of their shit. |
Anonymous
It’s already gotten to this point. It’s just upsetting when she calls or sends toys in the mail, suddenly my husband acts like she’s the greatest grandparent on earth. Meanwhile my parents always babysit, take my kids on long vacations, show unconditional love etc and they get no credit or criticism for spoiling them too much. I guess I’d feel better if he’d acknowledge her faults and stop pushing our kids on her. |
Anonymous
| This is totally a husband/father problem. His loyalty and focus should be with the woman he married and the children he has with her. If he insists on having his parents be around you all but does not call them out then you have to and remove your kids from them. It is not generational but if none of you have said anything then they may feel it is acceptable to you. It isn't and needs to be called for what it is. They are racists and bigots and there is no humor in it. |
Anonymous
Hmm maybe you should reconsider your wording. Whites assume other races are as resilient as they are. Easy to say when you are coming from the dominant and oppressive culture. Try telling that to an Jewish person who survived the holocaust or a black person who lived under Jim Crow. Now who’s resilient? |
Anonymous
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Only you can decide what is right for you, but here is another perspective.
I grew up without grandparents. It was sad and I was jealous of those who had access to their grandparents. My parents and my MIL live pretty far away. We try to see them as much as possible, but it's hard and the kids miss seeing their grandparents. I know that the relationship with your in-laws is toxic due to racial bigotry (I'm not Caucasian, so I've seen some of it, too). I personally think that having a relationship with your grandparents is more important. I would personally allow the relationship as much as I could tolerate for the benefit of your children. As they grow older, you can teach them that their grandparents have some views that you don't agree with, that they are old and set in their ways and that it's old-fashioned and uneducated, but they are their grandparents. Learn to love them despite their faults and ignore the unfair comments that they say. You can teach children to disregard the views of their grandparents that you, the parents, don't disagree with. But you can't go back later and give them back the time with their grandparents that you deprive them of when their grandparents are alive. |
Anonymous
This doesn't sound like a father who is going to tolerate your depriving his kids of access to mom, so I would proceed with that in mind. I agree with the other poster who said you have a husband problem, not an in law problem. You mentioned that you felt like he should speak up. Have up you spoken up in the past? Have you told your in laws why you find their comments so offensive, or do they have no idea that you feel this way? Even if your husband doesn't feel comfortable confronting his mom, why can't you interject and speak up for your kids at the time these types of comments are made? Does she even know that you are upset? |
Anonymous
Nobody likes being made fun of by outsiders. It's a place of privilege to even have the opportunity to be resilient. Whites have had a fraction of the abuse of minorities, so there is no comparison. By the way, go to Ireland and make some alcoholism jokes and see how far it will get you. OP, just never leave your kids alone with these idiots. You can handle once a year, verbally correcting every comment they make in front of your kids. Your DH is the real problem. At best he is embarrassed, not wanting it to be true and defending them. At worst- honestly I'm not sure why he married you if his beliefs are so ingrained he cannot correct his parents. Here's the thing- if he's not stepping up, it's on you. Sent back any offensive gifts immediately in the future. I'd call the dog Black Beauty in front of the kids. These people don't sound like mental giants so it shouldn't be too hard to address/ignore as you choose. I'd let DH know that if he's leaving it up to you, you won't be so nice about it so it would be best if he'd deal with it. If he steps up, good. If he doesn't, oops. |