DH keeps defending his bigoted parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

[Anonymous]

She would be dead to me. And there would need to be couples counseling before I would stay with a DH like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

Obviously there are greater issues here if he is exploding at you in anger, and I'm sure you recognize that. It's not fair for him to shut you down in that way. In the meantime - would he at least agree to limit the once a year contact to a neutral place like a restaurant or public park, rather than in the privacy of your home or theirs? Somewhere more public, where your in laws would feel less comfortable making these types of statements and would be more careful to watch what they say? Could he at least agree that the amount of contact that the kids have with them is not going to increase in frequency beyond the once a year meet up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I’m not overly concerned about inlaws seeing my kids since they’ve chosen to be mostly absent from all of their grandchildren’s lives. They kept saying they were coming for an upcoming birthday, but now say they are too busy. My issue is that my husband can see why I’m so upset about all of this behavior over the years. It matters less what they’ve said to me and more what they’ve said to my kids. He needs to understand he’s not just married to a brown woman, he’s the father of brown children. I just can’t see how he can overlook this. I’m going to end up divorced if this issue isn’t resolved.

Obviously there are greater issues here if he is exploding at you in anger, and I'm sure you recognize that. It's not fair for him to shut you down in that way. In the meantime - would he at least agree to limit the once a year contact to a neutral place like a restaurant or public park, rather than in the privacy of your home or theirs? Somewhere more public, where your in laws would feel less comfortable making these types of statements and would be more careful to watch what they say? Could he at least agree that the amount of contact that the kids have with them is not going to increase in frequency beyond the once a year meet up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live and let live for now

WHy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

Ugh, sounds like a winner...why did you even marry this loser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you are white and don’t see it an a problem.

Let me guess. DH had these very parents BEFORE you chose to marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

Sorry but you don’t need to understand PC culture to get that YOU DONT TELL A CHILD THAT THEY LOOK DIRTY BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

nope, she doesn't

+1

I don’t get why people keep saying this. 1) MIL doesn’t even treat her grandchildren well! Telling them they look dirty sending racist, inappropriate gifts etc. 2) a lot of people are not close to all (or sometimes any) of their grandparents

OP isn't the only person making the call here. Her husband doesn't sound like he is on board with cutting off contact, and even if they divorced, he might still have a say. That's why so many of us has said this is really an issue between the two of them.

OP here. Ideally I’d like to limit contact, but I haven’t even gotten past the discussion of how wrong my inlaws are. My husband gets defensive and then explodes. At this point I’m beyond hurt and angry that he can’t see them for what they are and at least protect or defend his own child.

I know it's tough, but consider his perspective. They are his parents, not some random people, and they raised him well enough to be a great guy now and a great father (at least you haven't said otherwise). Heck, he was such a great guy you even married him!

Older people also aren't as good at understanding what is offensive or not. My father (who is white and his late 70's) is not racist -- he even married a POC -- but when he was a kid growing up in MD, the schools were segregated and he told me about going to Ocean City, MD and the snack bars and bathrooms had separate sections for whites and colored. Growing up in an environment like that and it's more difficult to undrestand why what was OK back then is not OK now. I wonder if his parents grew up in a similar situation.

If these were just family friends, it's easy to cut off, but these are his parents.

OP here. You’ve pretty much described my inlaws. They are WASPS and have lived fairly isolated lives and have not experienced much out of their racial and economic demographic. My husband, unlike his parents, has lived all over the world. He should know better than defend and accept their behavior. I’ve done ok at avoiding the inlaws and limiting my kids time with them, but I want my husband to acknowledge that by making excuses for them he is ultimately his Niraj dismissing and hurting kids. They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you are white and don’t see it an a problem.

Let me guess. DH had these very parents BEFORE you chose to marry him.

Yup.

Op, of course what they say is hurtful. Did you actually try having an adult conversation with them? Or have you just been bottling up all these years?

[Anonymous]

Stop blaming your husband for his parents. No wonder he's defensive. He has zero control over what they say or do.

Talk to them about the things they say or let it go. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


They have been very cold and distant parents and my husband tends to idealize them despite this. I hope he is in denial, otherwise I can’t help but assume that by defending them he also agrees with this parents perspective.

Of course he idealizes his parents... they're his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for his parents. No wonder he's defensive. He has zero control over what they say or do.

Talk to them about the things they say or let it go. Your choice.

This.

[Anonymous]

Repeatedly "making fun of" someone, whatever the basis, is rarely fun for the person at whom the barbs are pointed. In fact, it's usually abusive. And while you don't mention it here, I'd venture a guess that your in-laws' aggressive behaviors don't stop at these jokes.

It's a really tough thing to do because others will judge it, but I have decided not to tolerate abusive behavior from anyone. No relationship -- blood, marriage, neighbors, colleagues -- makes me obligated to put up with interactions that repeatedly make me feel badly. OP, I think your response is incredibly mature and healthy. You're setting a boundary and enforcing it.