DH keeps defending his bigoted parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you can decide what is right for you, but here is another perspective.

I grew up without grandparents. It was sad and I was jealous of those who had access to their grandparents. My parents and my MIL live pretty far away. We try to see them as much as possible, but it's hard and the kids miss seeing their grandparents.

I know that the relationship with your in-laws is toxic due to racial bigotry (I'm not Caucasian, so I've seen some of it, too). I personally think that having a relationship with your grandparents is more important. I would personally allow the relationship as much as I could tolerate for the benefit of your children. As they grow older, you can teach them that their grandparents have some views that you don't agree with, that they are old and set in their ways and that it's old-fashioned and uneducated, but they are their grandparents. Learn to love them despite their faults and ignore the unfair comments that they say. You can teach children to disregard the views of their grandparents that you, the parents, don't disagree with. But you can't go back later and give them back the time with their grandparents that you deprive them of when their grandparents are alive.

This is crap. My DH has never had a relationship with his grandparents. Literally could not care less. I don’t understand why it is unreasonable to expect the grandparents to not say anything racist for the limited interactions they have? People manage it in the workplace all the time...

[Anonymous]

Live and let live for now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

Wow. No, the kid with dark skin does not need to hear that they need a bath. That is beyond gross.

OP only see her once a year so it should be pretty easy to make sure she is never alone with your children. If she starts making comments like this, I would just get up and say it’s time to go. Obviously, you never stay in the same house as her. DH can stay longer, but you get your children out of there. If she can’t control herself for an yearly visit then the visits become every other year.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

Wow. No, the kid with dark skin does not need to hear that they need a bath. That is beyond gross.

OP only see her once a year so it should be pretty easy to make sure she is never alone with your children. If she starts making comments like this, I would just get up and say it’s time to go. Obviously, you never stay in the same house as her. DH can stay longer, but you get your children out of there. If she can’t control herself for an yearly visit then the visits become every other year.

+100

+1, but I would probably just end the relationship now. These people sound like garbage. I wouldn't subject my kids to hateful speech from people who are supposed to be family. I would also document everything for use in potential divorce proceedings to demonstrate that my husband's family was creating a hostile environment and should have no access to my children. I'm not saying that's the inevitable outcome, but it's best to be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

Wow. No, the kid with dark skin does not need to hear that they need a bath. That is beyond gross.

OP only see her once a year so it should be pretty easy to make sure she is never alone with your children. If she starts making comments like this, I would just get up and say it’s time to go. Obviously, you never stay in the same house as her. DH can stay longer, but you get your children out of there. If she can’t control herself for an yearly visit then the visits become every other year.

+100

+1, but I would probably just end the relationship now. These people sound like garbage. I wouldn't subject my kids to hateful speech from people who are supposed to be family. I would also document everything for use in potential divorce proceedings to demonstrate that my husband's family was creating a hostile environment and should have no access to my children. I'm not saying that's the inevitable outcome, but it's best to be prepared.

Ending the relationship is a ridiculous suggestion. There’s is a difference between the stupid, thoughtless,racist actions of this mil and burning a cross on the lawn.

Op, I admire your fortitude. Your dh isn’t responsible for his mother’s actions or beliefs. He had the good sense to pick you after all so cut him some slack. Neither of you are going to change her. She doesn’t sound like she’s trying to be provocative.

I would definitely correct anything she says in earshot of you or your kids,

“Barb, you may not realize but when you say X, it’s hurtful.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She IS going to be in their lives. And she should be. You need to get over it.

Wow. No, the kid with dark skin does not need to hear that they need a bath. That is beyond gross.

OP only see her once a year so it should be pretty easy to make sure she is never alone with your children. If she starts making comments like this, I would just get up and say it’s time to go. Obviously, you never stay in the same house as her. DH can stay longer, but you get your children out of there. If she can’t control herself for an yearly visit then the visits become every other year.

+100

+1, but I would probably just end the relationship now. These people sound like garbage. I wouldn't subject my kids to hateful speech from people who are supposed to be family. I would also document everything for use in potential divorce proceedings to demonstrate that my husband's family was creating a hostile environment and should have no access to my children. I'm not saying that's the inevitable outcome, but it's best to be prepared.

Ending the relationship is a ridiculous suggestion. There’s is a difference between the stupid, thoughtless,racist actions of this mil and burning a cross on the lawn.

Op, I admire your fortitude. Your dh isn’t responsible for his mother’s actions or beliefs. He had the good sense to pick you after all so cut him some slack. Neither of you are going to change her. She doesn’t sound like she’s trying to be provocative.

I would definitely correct anything she says in earshot of you or your kids,

“Barb, you may not realize but when you say X, it’s hurtful.”

But why excuse this behavior? You wouldn't tolerate it in a friend or colleague. I would absolutely excoriate my own parents and cut them off without a second thought if they behaved this way. The fact that OP's husband's reaction is to downplay the problem and pretend they are good grandparents is a red flag. His kids will notice that he won't stand up for them as they get older.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m of the belief that children need to feel secure by family, not uncomfortable or degrated. If My inlaws say something again and I speak up, the emotional damage to my kids is done. Eventually, they may ask why I let them be subject to it all. They already ask me why my inlaws don’t do anything with them when they have friends whose grandparents from all over Europe come to DC to visit more than my inlaws who live in VA. Someday when they are older I can explain that they were just generally shitty humans, but in the meantime I need to protect their innocence.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. OP.

That brown child needs a bath statement would have been the last time those people saw me and my kids.

And I am pretty tolerant of ignorant people.

[Anonymous]

You see them once a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You see them once a year?[/quote

Yes, they only come to our house about once a year if that. My husband will drive to their house about 30min away occasionally. Usually when I’m traveling for work

[Anonymous]

I would not allow her to speak with them or spend any time with them at all. You can't change her and it's messed up your husband defends her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

The Irish have lots of drinking references and they embrace them. White people are fine with being made fun of and find it difficult to relate to hyper sensitivity. Lots of time whites assume other races are as resilient as they are.

Resilient? Ha! What about all the white trash snowflakes who started losing their shit when Obama was president? And who have started killing themselves in droves with opioids because the big bad foreign meanies are taking all their jobs and they can’t bother to work their fatasses harder?

[Anonymous]

Nope nope nope. No freaking way. OP, your husband is dead wrong and so is his racist momma.

I would tell him that you and the kids are done with her, he is free to do whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did these bumper stickers say?

This. What did they say, OP?

OP here. I don’t really want to say exactly but it was a play on words regarding my race’s perceived substance abuse problem.

The Irish have lots of drinking references and they embrace them. White people are fine with being made fun of and find it difficult to relate to hyper sensitivity. Lots of time whites assume other races are as resilient as they are.

Resilient? Ha! What about all the white trash snowflakes who started losing their shit when Obama was president? And who have started killing themselves in droves with opioids because the big bad foreign meanies are taking all their jobs and they can’t bother to work their fatasses harder?

Additionally, can we talk about how white feelings and tears are the central point of nearly every conversation about racism, and not the oppressed people? White people are only so resilient when they are driving the bus.

[Anonymous]

They’d be out of my kids life and if my DH allowed it he’d be next.

Our kids come first and allowing them to listen to mucroaggrssions from family members will ruin them.