Reply to DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.[/quote]

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.[/quote]

This is good advice.  I'm going through something similar with my mother.  More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining.  Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her.  Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful.  Yes, I know that I am stretched thin.  That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that.  DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either.  I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving.  You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is.  That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me.  I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic.  Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him.  After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again. [/quote]

OP, like most men, you're a "fixer", you hear her complaining and you want to offer her solutions.  She, on the other hand, is processing her emotions about this difficult scenario by venting to you.  She wants you to hear her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug and tell her it's okay and that you support her.

Can you try the silent, supportive hug approach?  Give her emotional support by just listening to her without offering solutions? [/quote]

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