Reply to DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "DW can't manage or handle her aging dad."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?[/quote]

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.[/quote]
The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant.  Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way.  Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves."  Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father.  Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach.  It's just setting her up to feel more guilt.  [b]What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad?  She's going to be a mess. [/b]

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending.  People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.    [/quote]

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics