MIL's 70th birthday - Would it be rude of me...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL's birthday is not the time to make a stand on hosting. Do you always create drama where there is none? Everyone else is happy with paper plates and pizza, so you have to flounce off in a tiff? Insufferable.

+1,000,000
Your SIL and BIL might be awful people, but this is not the time to take a stand, after 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I hope no one on your side never adopts so you would have to interact with a "non-blood relative" on your "family" side. You're a piece of work, OP, and I mean that very sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extreme for you to go to such lengths to fully skip the party just to avoid hosting.

Just send a message saying you are unable to host the 70th party but are looking forward to coming to south town to celebrate with you all. Tell them to keep you in the loop as planning progresses as you / DH are happy to help out.

This here. Push back on it being at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would be shitty of you to do a yoga retreat. Just host her birthday dinner at a restaurant. Problem solved.

Your attitude about "not even a blood relative" really disgusted me. If you had three children but one was adopted would you love that one less because they weren't a blood relative? Your attitude with that phrase put an awful taste in my mouth.

This seems to be triggering a lot of people. If I had an adopted child, I would love that child as I do any child. The reason I used the term "non-blood relative" was to indicate that I think there is more of a duty on SIL or BIL to care for their mother than on me. I have my mother, who, for me, is more special than my mother-in-law. MIL is still special, but my own mother is more special.

Then have your husband do the work. No to the yoga retreat.

[Anonymous]

I'd suck it up, host and be there. It's her B-day. Bow out on a Labor Day/other event. This one is more important. You are the only one who is not a blood relative. She is blood to your children and husband, so I think you are choosing an unfortunate time to be arbitrary.

What's the worst that happens? Tacky décor? Paper plates? Tasteless food? Some spills? So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would be shitty of you to do a yoga retreat. Just host her birthday dinner at a restaurant. Problem solved.

Your attitude about "not even a blood relative" really disgusted me. If you had three children but one was adopted would you love that one less because they weren't a blood relative? Your attitude with that phrase put an awful taste in my mouth.

This seems to be triggering a lot of people. If I had an adopted child, I would love that child as I do any child. The reason I used the term "non-blood relative" was to indicate that I think there is more of a duty on SIL or BIL to care for their mother than on me. I have my mother, who, for me, is more special than my mother-in-law. MIL is still special, but my own mother is more special.

Feeling as you do, you should really understand this better than you do. These are her only grandchildren, blood or otherwise. The others -SIL and BIL didn't step up and have kids for grandma to fawn over. They aren't jealous of you for having said kids. They aren't jealous she could be anywhere and is choosing to be with your family. Everyone is happy she values your family so much and that she would rather be with your family. Just as your mother would want to be with you, she wants to be with her 'babies'. Hanging at your place probably brings back nice feelings for them all of when they were growing up. Literally, you could write in a performance and it would still be fine paper plates/whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And a yoga retreat is never an acceptable excuse to anyone who isn’t a yogi. . .

Ha, I was going to say this! I love yoga retreats and go on several a year so obviously I value them, but to everyone else I'm going on a woo woo trip to pose in bikinis on instagram and have tiki drinks with umbrellas. It's always an issue of contention with my SO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Good point, PP, about it not being about my BIL and SIL.... My MIL is very kind and thoughtful. I realize that I am resentful of BIL and SIL never stepping up to host. And thanks to another PP who said that this is not the time to make a stand about hosting. All good points.

Anonymous wrote:
This seems to be triggering a lot of people. If I had an adopted child, I would love that child as I do any child. The reason I used the term "non-blood relative" was to indicate that I think there is more of a duty on SIL or BIL to care for their mother than on me. I have my mother, who, for me, is more special than my mother-in-law. MIL is still special, but my own mother is more special.

Have you considered that maybe BIL and SIL don't host because the dynamic of your husband's origin family means that you, having children, are more of matriarch figure than SIL and BIL are? This will be hard to articulate but maybe their family dynamic with their aunts/uncles/cousins growing up was always to congregate around the households that were more "family" oriented because of the presence of children. Perhaps in their eyes MIL/grandma is the main momma bear and you're number #2 momma bear.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to host "just because" you're the put upon SAHM with a big house. Your dh and his family could figure out how to order pizza without you. A yoga retreat--for your frayed nerves--what your hectic schedule of Starbucks runs and Pilates getting to you? Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Glad you've come around on skipping the retreat, that would be horrible! I think you should let the ILs all stay with you, even though they have never hosted you. But I do think you need to try not to stress about details. It sounds like you are the only one with high expectations.

If you want the actual birthday party to be nicer than your ILs would prepare, you take the lead on planning that. Delegate everything else! I used to hate hosting my ILs when DH and I were first married, but over time I got more comfortable with them, and ordering them around. Tell SIl to pick up the ice/beer/catering etc while BIL sets the table and DH rearranges furniture. The day before, DH cleans the bathrooms and your kids help pick up toys and you wash the sheets and towels. I totally agree on having the other families responsible for planning the other day's activities. You can give them ideas, provide take out menues or restaurant suggestions, but don't stress about how the rest of the weekend turns out.

And I think it would be totally fine to schedule a message or yoga class or whatever for some time during the weekend! You can be a good host without having to spend every single minute with your guests.

[Anonymous]

Op, If MIL is happy with pizza, paper plates, and crappy cake then roll with it. Don't force it to be a fancier event and then complain about the work
Sounds like she just wants to spend time family...be thankful she values that and isn't demanding some over the top event.

If it's about hosting unappreciative relatives, that's annoying. I get it, I really do, but I wouldn't make a 70s birthday party the battle line.

Suck it up, host, smile, and be pleasant and get out of the house a few times if you need a break.

[Anonymous]

Just do it. You sound like a drama queen

[Anonymous]

Please host. Time goes by so quickly. My in laws and parents are deceased now and I would give anything to host them again.
This isn't made to make you feel guilty just understand that family is important and can not be replaced. You are teaching your children how to treat their
In laws in the future too plus making memories for everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Another option is to frame it as each of MILs 3 children will be in charge of each day of the 3 day weekend.

They can pick the restaurant and ecide what the group does to celebrate as well as pick up the tab. Insist on at least one restaurant meal. That way you get credit for what you do and you’re not running yourself ragged on the siblings days.

You can kind of shame them into stepping up.

+1

This isn't the time to throw down the gauntlet with the BIL & SIL but you can certainly be firm about what you need to make this weekend work:
1) Divvy up the meals and have others be in charge of some of them. Make sure it is in writing ("just a quick summary on what we agreed on plans for the weekend....") on who is doing what when so that everyone doesn't look to you if someone falls down on the job
2) Agree with your DH that you will 'disappear' for a small part of the weekend to recharge a bit on your own
3) Your DH will take the day off from work before everyone arrives to help get the house ready
4) You will hire a cleaning service before and after
5) You have your DH talk to his brother and say that your family is happy to host this big milestone gathering but that your family would really like to come visit them next year for a more casual gathering and to share the hosting duties a bit.
5) Instead of pizza or cooking a big spread, you will do a casual catering option (BBQ, taco bar, outdoor BBQ, etc.)

Good luck and hope the party goes well.

[Anonymous]

Is this a joke? Yoga instead of a milestone birthday??? Get real, OP. Order food in from Maggiano’s or wherever, get cleaning people in the day before the party, resign yourself to a less-than-perfectly-tidy house, delegate very heavily to your DH, BIL and SIL, and don’t stress too much! Get bunches of flowers and some balloons, order a cake from Praline, get some champagne, dress your kids up in a cute way, and enjoy. Send an Uber black car to pick up your MIL and FIL from the airport and they’ll feel like it’s a limo.

I say all this is someone whose in-laws park themselves at my house for weeks at a time, so I know what it’s like to feel imposed upon. However, this is an occasion where you should step up if this is what your mother-in-law wants.