MIL's 70th birthday - Would it be rude of me...?
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Anonymous
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My mother-in-law lives in the South, along with her two other children (different state) and husband. She is turning 70 in August. My husband (her son) and I have 3 kids, who are the only grandkids on that side of the family. MIL really loves the grandkids and wants to spend her birthday with them, which she has done the last few birthdays by coming up to visit us for her special day. For her 70th, I let it be known to my SIL, BIL, and husband that I did not want to host the birthday party at my house because of the pressure of being in charge of this milestone birthday party. I am a SAHM and have always handled family celebrations.
SIL, BIL, and husband all think it's best to have it in my house bc it's what my MIL would want most, it saves us the expense and hassle of traveling with kids, it's overall cheaper for everyone, and my house is the most spacious. They are all pressuring me to host it at my house and are all promising to do the bulk of the work. But I just know how it will turn out... they will put out pizza, crap cake, and paper plates and call it a day. I know that I will see this and step in with something more extravagant because I will feel responsible (since it's my house) for not celebrating MIL's 70th in style. Also, I would still have to get the house ready to have MIL, FIL, SIL, SIL's husband, and BIL all stay at our house during this long birthday weekend (Labor Day). I really don't want to do this and already feeling resentful that I would be the one putting in most of the work for a party to celebrate a non-blood relative. The SIL and BIL have not even considered hosting the party at their homes, which are also in the South and closer to MIL. We would happily fly there and stay at a hotel, too. So, I found a 5 day yoga retreat at the same time as the birthday festivities about 3 hours away. Would it be unforgivably rude of me to be "on retreat" instead of hosting my in-laws that weekend? The weekend could go on as planned with everyone, except me. So if they celebrate with pizza on paper plates, I won't see it or care. My husband has already given me his blessing, but I am concerned that my in-laws would be very hurt. Should I do it? |
Anonymous
| OP again. The past few years when MIL would come up for her birthday, she only came by herself and occasionally with her husband. This party would be different because the entire family would be coming. |
Anonymous
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If the rest of the family is okay with pizza and paper plates, why can’t you go along with it? That’s the easiest option instead of skipping the birthday altogether.
Also, I think it’s fine to tell everyone that if you host, MIL is welcome to stay at your house as usual but all other relatives need to find a hotel. Skipping the birthday altogether seems... welll mean and passive aggressive. |
Anonymous
| Suck it up and do it for your MIL. As long as you’ have a good relationship with her you should do it. It would be a positive lesson for your children. Is a few days of stress and discomfort will worth destroying a rel? |
Anonymous
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I think it is extreme for you to go to such lengths to fully skip the party just to avoid hosting.
Just send a message saying you are unable to host the 70th party but are looking forward to coming to south town to celebrate with you all. Tell them to keep you in the loop as planning progresses as you / DH are happy to help out. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it's rude, and she's effecitvely a blood relative -- your DH's mother.
If they're fine with pizza, then go with that. Besides, if you're a SAHM don't you have time to organize more if you want to ? |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it would be unbelievably rude to be on retreat.
Instead of doing it at your house, why not use the money you would have spent to travel to the South, and make a nice birthday celebration for her at a restaurant? |
Anonymous
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I think when you get married you STOP differentiating between "blood" and "non blood" relatives, especially as it relates to your spouse's parents - who gave him life and ostensibly raise him to be the man you fell in love with.
Throw. The. Party. Find a happy medium - not pizza on dollar store plates and not surf & turf either. Give her this day and go on retreat the following week. |
Anonymous
Hit enter too soon --- some day you'll be a MIL. How will you want to be treated? |
Anonymous
Unbelievably, colossally rude. If you were my SIL I would never respect you again for disrespecting my mother that badly. |
Anonymous
| Yes, it would be very rude. "On retreat" is not a valid reason to skip a milestone family celebration. |
Anonymous
Why can’t she come and stay with you and the rest of the family gets a hotel? That way you’re only hosting MIL and FIL like you always do. Everyone else stays in a hotel and aside from the birthday celebration, all meals are planned out of your house so you’re not hosting tons of people for a long weekend. Unless you have a terrible relationship with your MIL, don’t skip her birthday. No matter what your husband says, this will create a lot of unnecessary resentment and bad feelings. |
Anonymous
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Wow, OP, yes this would be terribly rude.
If everyone wants to come up here for MIL's birthday, then why not? Find a restaurant that has a small private room to celebrate, or find a nice catering place to bring in food. Ask in advance for BIL and SIL to contribute x$ to cover the costs. |
Anonymous
| Yes. I actually post and complain about my MIL frequently and I do think this is rude. You can get a nice catered meal from Maggiano’s or something. Ask every one to chip in, except your MIL, of course. |