MIL's 70th birthday - Would it be rude of me...?

[Anonymous]

I am a stay at home mother too, OP, and have chronic health issues that make me fatigued, anxious and sometimes, like today, depressed.

I know you are feeling backed into a corner here, but do it for your MIL, not for all the idiots who are using you. She may never have a milestone birthday again!

You don't need to pull out all the stops. Do something MIL will appreciate, not what the other idiots want. What does she like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow. I'm really surprised by the responses, but this is very educational.

Does it make any difference if my husband and I have never been hosted by SIL and BIL in our 15 years of marriage? They have stayed at our house repeatedly wherever we lived, and they've never opened up their homes to us. We've also hosted the entire family all together a couple of times in the past before we had kids. I am feeling tired of being the default hostess.

OP, I’ve suggested this before, and I’ll ask again: Why can’t the rest of the family stay at a hotel so you’re only hosting MIL and FIL at your home?

OP. Because they don't have a ton of money and don't like to spend it on a hotel when they can stay for free at my house. In actuality, I think they can afford it, but they're just very cautious with their money. BIL and SIL's flights will be purchased by FF miles that they earn through their credit cards (they own small businesses). Hubby and I usually buy MIL and FIL's tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow. I'm really surprised by the responses, but this is very educational.

Does it make any difference if my husband and I have never been hosted by SIL and BIL in our 15 years of marriage? They have stayed at our house repeatedly wherever we lived, and they've never opened up their homes to us. We've also hosted the entire family all together a couple of times in the past before we had kids. I am feeling tired of being the default hostess.

I understand. They are takers, cheap is cheap- but you can do better than hiding at a yoga retreat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's rude, and she's effecitvely a blood relative -- your DH's mother.

If they're fine with pizza, then go with that. Besides, if you're a SAHM don't you have time to organize more if you want to ?

OP has 3 kids. It sounds like the SIL and BIL each have zero kids. They have the most free time to plan a party IMO. And its their actual mom. And they live much closer.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you are happy to host and their share of the cost will be X (total up cost for cleaners, catering, etc).

[Anonymous]

That would be shitty of you to do a yoga retreat. Just host her birthday dinner at a restaurant. Problem solved.

Your attitude about "not even a blood relative" really disgusted me. If you had three children but one was adopted would you love that one less because they weren't a blood relative? Your attitude with that phrase put an awful taste in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

So don’t host. Pick a restaurant with a lovely private room (there are many) and let BIL and SIL know that you aren’t prepared to host a group of this size for something so important.

I get it OP. You deserve to set some boundaries. Your boundary is just too far over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow. I'm really surprised by the responses, but this is very educational.

Does it make any difference if my husband and I have never been hosted by SIL and BIL in our 15 years of marriage? They have stayed at our house repeatedly wherever we lived, and they've never opened up their homes to us. We've also hosted the entire family all together a couple of times in the past before we had kids. I am feeling tired of being the default hostess.

OP, I’ve suggested this before, and I’ll ask again: Why can’t the rest of the family stay at a hotel so you’re only hosting MIL and FIL at your home?

OP. Because they don't have a ton of money and don't like to spend it on a hotel when they can stay for free at my house. In actuality, I think they can afford it, but they're just very cautious with their money. BIL and SIL's flights will be purchased by FF miles that they earn through their credit cards (they own small businesses). Hubby and I usually buy MIL and FIL's tickets.

This sounds like a good time to put your foot down. Tell them if you host only MIL/FIL stay with you. If they don’t like it, they are welcome to host. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would be shitty of you to do a yoga retreat. Just host her birthday dinner at a restaurant. Problem solved.

Your attitude about "not even a blood relative" really disgusted me. If you had three children but one was adopted would you love that one less because they weren't a blood relative? Your attitude with that phrase put an awful taste in my mouth.

This seems to be triggering a lot of people. If I had an adopted child, I would love that child as I do any child. The reason I used the term "non-blood relative" was to indicate that I think there is more of a duty on SIL or BIL to care for their mother than on me. I have my mother, who, for me, is more special than my mother-in-law. MIL is still special, but my own mother is more special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would be shitty of you to do a yoga retreat. Just host her birthday dinner at a restaurant. Problem solved.

Your attitude about "not even a blood relative" really disgusted me. If you had three children but one was adopted would you love that one less because they weren't a blood relative? Your attitude with that phrase put an awful taste in my mouth.

This seems to be triggering a lot of people. If I had an adopted child, I would love that child as I do any child. The reason I used the term "non-blood relative" was to indicate that I think there is more of a duty on SIL or BIL to care for their mother than on me. I have my mother, who, for me, is more special than my mother-in-law. MIL is still special, but my own mother is more special.

Stop distracting yourself with side-issues, OP. Be there for your MIL, whether it's at a restaurant or your house. Stop expecting your weird SIL and BIL to contribute to anything, ever. They're users.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the rest of the family is okay with pizza and paper plates, why can’t you go along with it? That’s the easiest option instead of skipping the birthday altogether.

Also, I think it’s fine to tell everyone that if you host, MIL is welcome to stay at your house as usual but all other relatives need to find a hotel.

Skipping the birthday altogether seems... welll mean and passive aggressive.

This.

+1

If getting the house ready is such an ordeal insist that your DH spring for a cleaning service.

[Anonymous]

Haha! Sounds tempting, but no you can’t go on a yoga retreat to bail on your MIL’s 70th birthday.

Cater everything and hire a cleaning service pre-party, and delegate things like cake, decorations, and beverages/alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I’m starting to see what’s going on. It sounds like you’re really frustrated with SIL and BIL and this party for your MIL is the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn’t skip out on the birthday party. However, it’s okay to set some boundaries:

Example:
If everyone is going to stay at your house, ask that each family “host” dinner at a restaurant during the birthday weekend. That way it’s not all on you to do everything. Have a list of MILs favorite restaurants in your city that they can choose from.

Another option is to make SIL and BIL stay in a hotel. Keep it short ad simple. “It won’t work for us to host so many people at our house so you’ll need to stay at a hotel.” If they complain, you repeat, it won’t work for us. No long explanation or negotiations. You can say no.

[Anonymous]

^ Another option is to frame it as each of MILs 3 children will be in charge of each day of the 3 day weekend.

They can pick the restaurant and ecide what the group does to celebrate as well as pick up the tab. Insist on at least one restaurant meal. That way you get credit for what you do and you’re not running yourself ragged on the siblings days.

You can kind of shame them into stepping up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Another option is to frame it as each of MILs 3 children will be in charge of each day of the 3 day weekend.

They can pick the restaurant and ecide what the group does to celebrate as well as pick up the tab. Insist on at least one restaurant meal. That way you get credit for what you do and you’re not running yourself ragged on the siblings days.

You can kind of shame them into stepping up.

Op here. I like this idea. Thank you!