MIL's 70th birthday - Would it be rude of me...?

[Anonymous]

Just chiming In to add that yes, it’s unforgivably rude to disappear on her birthday. It won’t trick anyone that you aren’t “on retreat.” I mean, all that says is that you scheduled a retreat on her birthday. I don’t understand what kind of relationship you have with her if your husband has given his blessing on this.

That said, totally with you that it’s jacked up that you’re going to have to do all the work while her children sit on their asses. This happens to me a lot too. Sorry that’s the dynamic, but you really cannot go on a retreat to avoid it without looking like a giant asshole.

[Anonymous]

The reason it will be SUCH a dick move is that you e apparently already had these discussions about the birthday plans. If you turn around and schedule something else, they will all know you’re simply just doing it to get away from them. Incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Another option is to frame it as each of MILs 3 children will be in charge of each day of the 3 day weekend.

They can pick the restaurant and ecide what the group does to celebrate as well as pick up the tab. Insist on at least one restaurant meal. That way you get credit for what you do and you’re not running yourself ragged on the siblings days.

You can kind of shame them into stepping up.

Op here. I like this idea. Thank you!

Hey guys, looks like OP found a solution several pages ago...

[Anonymous]

OP - glad you have a start on a solution! Catering + a nice bakery cake will be really nice.

I'd suggest too that you need to recruit DH to have a conversation with his sibling (BIL? SIL?) and essentially remind them, however he needs to say it, that you are not the family innkeeper. They are to be gracious guests, help with their assigned tasks, offer to help you with basics (not just for the party - also setting the table, making the next pot of coffee, etc.). And when they are there, don't feel shy to ask them to pitch in when you have something specific you need help with.

Future boundaries are probably a good thing to think about too, but first things first. Just because *they* want you to do things a certain way doesn't mean you need to agree with them.

[Anonymous]

I would let them do whatever they wanted and just sit back and relax. If they want pizza and paper plates, let them have at it. Less work for you. Order a nice cake if you want, and there's your contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law lives in the South, along with her two other children (different state) and husband. She is turning 70 in August. My husband (her son) and I have 3 kids, who are the only grandkids on that side of the family. MIL really loves the grandkids and wants to spend her birthday with them, which she has done the last few birthdays by coming up to visit us for her special day. For her 70th, I let it be known to my SIL, BIL, and husband that I did not want to host the birthday party at my house because of the pressure of being in charge of this milestone birthday party. I am a SAHM and have always handled family celebrations.

SIL, BIL, and husband all think it's best to have it in my house bc it's what my MIL would want most, it saves us the expense and hassle of traveling with kids, it's overall cheaper for everyone, and my house is the most spacious. They are all pressuring me to host it at my house and are all promising to do the bulk of the work. But I just know how it will turn out... they will put out pizza, crap cake, and paper plates and call it a day. I know that I will see this and step in with something more extravagant because I will feel responsible (since it's my house) for not celebrating MIL's 70th in style. Also, I would still have to get the house ready to have MIL, FIL, SIL, SIL's husband, and BIL all stay at our house during this long birthday weekend (Labor Day).

I really don't want to do this and already feeling resentful that I would be the one putting in most of the work for a party to celebrate a non-blood relative. The SIL and BIL have not even considered hosting the party at their homes, which are also in the South and closer to MIL. We would happily fly there and stay at a hotel, too.

So, I found a 5 day yoga retreat at the same time as the birthday festivities about 3 hours away. Would it be unforgivably rude of me to be "on retreat" instead of hosting my in-laws that weekend? The weekend could go on as planned with everyone, except me. So if they celebrate with pizza on paper plates, I won't see it or care.

My husband has already given me his blessing, but I am concerned that my in-laws would be very hurt. Should I do it?

This is a terrible idea. Don't skip it. Just have it at a restaurant and not at your house. done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's rude, and she's effecitvely a blood relative -- your DH's mother.

If they're fine with pizza, then go with that. Besides, if you're a SAHM don't you have time to organize more if you want to ?

OP has 3 kids. It sounds like the SIL and BIL each have zero kids. They have the most free time to plan a party IMO. And its their actual mom. And they live much closer.

And you know what - stay at home moms get tired. They want time to themselves. They don't need more people to cater to or host or whatever. They need to sleep!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I completely understand how you would want to do a 5 day retreat instead of host your in laws AND throw a party for them. I personally would prefer a 5 day yoga treat any day, take my money!

However, the adult thing to do would be to be firm and polite. Tell them what your boundaries are, either you will host them or not and you will not throw the birthday party.

“Hi SIL, we can’t host the party this year but here’s a great local restaurant/venue/location for MIL’s birthday party.”

You don’t owe anyone your house. It’s your house and that’s the benefit of being an adult is that you don’t have to say yes to everything. The downside is you to have to communicate those concerns rather than avoid all together. Which I totally understand, I’m very avoidant myself especially with my IL’s.

[Anonymous]

You have to do something to show respect and love for your MIL.

If your other in-laws are rude takers, set up boundaries to protect yourself from them. People have lots of ideas. They can stay in a hotel, catered dinner, dinner at a restaurant, one person takes one day, etc. Do whatever you feel you need to do to make things fair and less of a burden to you, and make no apologies for it. You can even refuse to host if you feel that strongly about it, although I think that would be like punishing your MIL on a special birthday and I personally would never do that to the mother of my husband.

What you *can't* do is agree to host and then disappear to a yoga retreat. That would be unspeakable.