Is it possible to cheat and not get caught?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A tip from my vat of unfortunate lessons learned. If your DH expects back-from-trip-sex (as a tradition), don’t skip it. My saying no, I’m tired, got him thinking (correctly) that something was off with myself

Easier still to just be a person of integrity instead of leading a life of deception.

High horse DCUM. There is no integrity in keeping a sham marriage.

PP here. I'm not on a high horse at all. No one is perfect. But you are absolutely lying to yourself if you think going through life lying and deceiving others won't affect who you are as a person. If you do it, you lack integrity. Doesn't matter what any of us on DCUM think; it's just a fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll suck your soul.

This is true - if you fall in love it will suck the life out of you. If you just want a friend and a f*** buddy then yes - go for it - life is too short. Be confident that he is secure on his end - I’ve cheated many times - got caught twice. Once for being sloppy and “in love” and once because APs wife was on the prowl looking to get him.

I take it you divorced, your DH did not stay with a twice-cheating skank right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair that doesn't get caught in the moment can get brought to light down the road.

Cheating is a sign of poor integrity and weak character more than a bad marriage. Many adults have considerable anger and resentment towards their cheating parents. You also run the risk of your kids finding out one day and seeing you in a whole different light.

It would be nice to not care about integrity or character and just do whatever feels good...and some people do that. Prisons are full of people who rationalized bad decisions.

A sexless/loveless marriage is no fun. It is a sacrifice for your kids. Many adults don't have love or sex in their lives or whatever the circumstances and life goes on.

What? Kids don't want their parents to sacrifice all of their earthly happiness for them- nobody likes a martyr. What kids want is to not have their lives be made worse and not have their parents be miserable. The OP is on the right track with how to make this happen but, given that she posed the question at all, I worry she might not be built for it.

Kids want their parents together. They don't see misery in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

You have to be able to compartmentalize. Men are better at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair that doesn't get caught in the moment can get brought to light down the road.

Cheating is a sign of poor integrity and weak character more than a bad marriage. Many adults have considerable anger and resentment towards their cheating parents. You also run the risk of your kids finding out one day and seeing you in a whole different light.

It would be nice to not care about integrity or character and just do whatever feels good...and some people do that. Prisons are full of people who rationalized bad decisions.

A sexless/loveless marriage is no fun. It is a sacrifice for your kids. Many adults don't have love or sex in their lives or whatever the circumstances and life goes on.

What? Kids don't want their parents to sacrifice all of their earthly happiness for them- nobody likes a martyr. What kids want is to not have their lives be made worse and not have their parents be miserable. The OP is on the right track with how to make this happen but, given that she posed the question at all, I worry she might not be built for it.

Kids want their parents together. They don't see misery in the bedroom.

Nor do they see the sexually active partner getting their action on the side

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to the high horse people. They either stopped sleeping with their spouses and think that is OK because cheaters are always at fault, or can't imagine what it would be like to be in our situation.

It's not wearing away at my soul at all. I was aging prematurely, depressed, constantly stressed, barely sleeping for a long time before my affair began. Now I sleep well, the years seem to have peeled off, I walk with confidence, and I'm getting hit on a lot-- which I believe is because I'm comfortable in my own skin and look like a sexual, desirable person again. My husband gave up on sex, work, effort, self care, and most of his personal relationships. He even places the burden on me -- the sole breadwinner -- of working to maintain *his* relationship with our child. He would be destitute if I left, and I'd owe him spousal support and child support I can't afford for at least a few years. My child would lose a home and live in two shitty apartments. None of what my husband did is the child's fault and in spite of what the "it takes two" crowd will tell you, it's actually not my fault that my husband refused to treat his depression and ADHD, refused to maintain friendships and became more isolated, refused to hear our marriage counselor's advice to get his own house in order, and now refuses to earn money. It's just the hand I've been dealt. So I get love and sex elsewhere and keep a roof over our heads, give my child access to a father who's not perfect but who is at least there, and loving. Anyone who thinks my husband can make the choice for me to have a sexless life, and the only way I can avoid that is to make the choice for my child to have a fatherless life, can go scratch.


And on affairs:

Yes, you absolutely can cheat without getting caught. Cheating on business travel is easy and uncomplicated. I hope your potential AP is also either married or committed to staying in his city so there's no chance he'll want to spill it and disrupt your life. If you know your AP won't want more and you always do this on trips where you'd be out of town anyway, I'd say you could do it for years without being caught. If this is a city where you have a lot of contacts now, don't kiss and hold hands in public. But you can meet in your hotel, even go to a restaurant first if it legitimately looks like a business dinner.

My AP and I live in the same city, see each other a lot. When we want extended time together, we coordinate our business travel and create hybrid business/pleasure trips. Heavy on pleasure. We are out in the open when we're in a strange city, and very secretive when in the DMV.

It's true that you have to try to be the same when you're at home. It's complicated when you fall in love. But it's worth it. Life is not supposed to be about misery. Having a child with someone who breaks their vows by being a low-character person shouldn't sentence you to years of loneliness and pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair that doesn't get caught in the moment can get brought to light down the road.

Cheating is a sign of poor integrity and weak character more than a bad marriage. Many adults have considerable anger and resentment towards their cheating parents. You also run the risk of your kids finding out one day and seeing you in a whole different light.

It would be nice to not care about integrity or character and just do whatever feels good...and some people do that. Prisons are full of people who rationalized bad decisions.

A sexless/loveless marriage is no fun. It is a sacrifice for your kids. Many adults don't have love or sex in their lives or whatever the circumstances and life goes on.

What? Kids don't want their parents to sacrifice all of their earthly happiness for them- nobody likes a martyr. What kids want is to not have their lives be made worse and not have their parents be miserable. The OP is on the right track with how to make this happen but, given that she posed the question at all, I worry she might not be built for it.

Kids want their parents together. They don't see misery in the bedroom.

You don't believe that misery in the bedroom is just contained there, do you? Miserable parents don't serve children well, sorry if you thought you were fooling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't listen to the high horse people. They either stopped sleeping with their spouses and think that is OK because cheaters are always at fault, or can't imagine what it would be like to be in our situation.

It's not wearing away at my soul at all. I was aging prematurely, depressed, constantly stressed, barely sleeping for a long time before my affair began. Now I sleep well, the years seem to have peeled off, I walk with confidence, and I'm getting hit on a lot-- which I believe is because I'm comfortable in my own skin and look like a sexual, desirable person again. My husband gave up on sex, work, effort, self care, and most of his personal relationships. He even places the burden on me -- the sole breadwinner -- of working to maintain *his* relationship with our child. He would be destitute if I left, and I'd owe him spousal support and child support I can't afford for at least a few years. My child would lose a home and live in two shitty apartments. None of what my husband did is the child's fault and in spite of what the "it takes two" crowd will tell you, it's actually not my fault that my husband refused to treat his depression and ADHD, refused to maintain friendships and became more isolated, refused to hear our marriage counselor's advice to get his own house in order, and now refuses to earn money. It's just the hand I've been dealt. So I get love and sex elsewhere and keep a roof over our heads, give my child access to a father who's not perfect but who is at least there, and loving. Anyone who thinks my husband can make the choice for me to have a sexless life, and the only way I can avoid that is to make the choice for my child to have a fatherless life, can go scratch.


And on affairs:

Yes, you absolutely can cheat without getting caught. Cheating on business travel is easy and uncomplicated. I hope your potential AP is also either married or committed to staying in his city so there's no chance he'll want to spill it and disrupt your life. If you know your AP won't want more and you always do this on trips where you'd be out of town anyway, I'd say you could do it for years without being caught. If this is a city where you have a lot of contacts now, don't kiss and hold hands in public. But you can meet in your hotel, even go to a restaurant first if it legitimately looks like a business dinner.

My AP and I live in the same city, see each other a lot. When we want extended time together, we coordinate our business travel and create hybrid business/pleasure trips. Heavy on pleasure. We are out in the open when we're in a strange city, and very secretive when in the DMV.

It's true that you have to try to be the same when you're at home. It's complicated when you fall in love. But it's worth it. [/b] Life is not supposed to be about misery. Having a child with someone who breaks their vows by being a low-character person shouldn't sentence you to years of loneliness and pain. [b]

+1 We aren't talking about people who are looking to cheat because they are bored, we are talking about people who unfortunately have horrible partners. Anyone who wants to apply black and white thinking to situations like this and who needs to have a good guy and a bad guy is a bit too simple for my liking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll suck your soul.

This is true - if you fall in love it will suck the life out of you. If you just want a friend and a f*** buddy then yes - go for it - life is too short. Be confident that he is secure on his end - I’ve cheated many times - got caught twice. Once for being sloppy and “in love” and once because APs wife was on the prowl looking to get him.

I take it you divorced, your DH did not stay with a twice-cheating skank right?

Not divorced - some men like being cuckold - strange but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course it's possible. But you have to be extremely careful. The longer it goes on, the easier it is to get lazy about covering your tracks.

Only cheat with other married people, they have as much to lose as you do. There's a much higher chance that a single AP will let something slip.

Don't leave any sort of electronic record, ever. If you must communicate electronically, do it with a throwaway email address that your spouse doesn't even know exists. Nothing suggestive or explicit in that or texts, ever. For God's sake don't ever share pictures with AP.

Also no financial trail. Pay for dates with cash, not credit card. Don't stay at hotels unless you have a separate credit card that your spouse doesn't know exists and has no way of finding out (can she check your credit report and find a new cards?).

Learn how to set the location on your phone so that spouse can't track you. Better yet, leave your phone at the office while you go out.

And, of course, don't "act suspicious". This one is harder to define. But take the time now to notice how you interact with your spouse, and keep that steady. Some people distance themselves when they start cheating, others go overboard with guilt and act too nice. Either way it's suspicious.

Are you this dishonest at work, too? You seem to have developed a dishonest way of living down to a science. Chip, chip, chip...there goes your soul.

Ok, calm the f*ck down, PP. You can stop prattling on about chipping away at souls on every posy and maybe work on your social and hygiene skills so you stop getting cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't know if you won't be caught.

Until your death bed, it is a secret that could be found out.

Even after that, actually...

Lol, okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A tip from my vat of unfortunate lessons learned. If your DH expects back-from-trip-sex (as a tradition), don’t skip it. My saying no, I’m tired, got him thinking (correctly) that something was off with myself

Easier still to just be a person of integrity instead of leading a life of deception.

High horse DCUM. There is no integrity in keeping a sham marriage.

PP here. I'm not on a high horse at all. No one is perfect. But you are absolutely lying to yourself if you think going through life lying and deceiving others won't affect who you are as a person. If you do it, you lack integrity. Doesn't matter what any of us on DCUM think; it's just a fact of life.

It was very honest of me to wait for the spouse to cheat so I didn't need to explain why I filled for divorce. There was no sex in the marriage because I avoided it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A tip from my vat of unfortunate lessons learned. If your DH expects back-from-trip-sex (as a tradition), don’t skip it. My saying no, I’m tired, got him thinking (correctly) that something was off with myself

Easier still to just be a person of integrity instead of leading a life of deception.

High horse DCUM. There is no integrity in keeping a sham marriage.

PP here. I'm not on a high horse at all. No one is perfect. But you are absolutely lying to yourself if you think going through life lying and deceiving others won't affect who you are as a person. If you do it, you lack integrity. Doesn't matter what any of us on DCUM think; it's just a fact of life.

It was very honest of me to wait for the spouse to cheat so I didn't need to explain why I filled for divorce. There was no sex in the marriage because I avoided it.

If you are being open about your life and aren't posting ironically (as a spouse involuntarily in a sexless marriage) I think this shows bravery and insight. I believe my own husband is trying to get me to be the one to leave by turning off the sex spigot. It seems my AP's wife knows he doesn't want to be the bad guy and is counting on his staying but ceased having sex years ago and relies on his guilt toward her as a way of controlling him. So far it works but I think eventually he'll have had enough. That's if we don't get caught first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A tip from my vat of unfortunate lessons learned. If your DH expects back-from-trip-sex (as a tradition), don’t skip it. My saying no, I’m tired, got him thinking (correctly) that something was off with myself

Easier still to just be a person of integrity instead of leading a life of deception.

High horse DCUM. There is no integrity in keeping a sham marriage.

PP here. I'm not on a high horse at all. No one is perfect. But you are absolutely lying to yourself if you think going through life lying and deceiving others won't affect who you are as a person. If you do it, you lack integrity. Doesn't matter what any of us on DCUM think; it's just a fact of life.

It was very honest of me to wait for the spouse to cheat so I didn't need to explain why I filled for divorce. There was no sex in the marriage because I avoided it.

If you are being open about your life and aren't posting ironically (as a spouse involuntarily in a sexless marriage) I think this shows bravery and insight. I believe my own husband is trying to get me to be the one to leave by turning off the sex spigot. It seems my AP's wife knows he doesn't want to be the bad guy and is counting on his staying but ceased having sex years ago and relies on his guilt toward her as a way of controlling him. So far it works but I think eventually he'll have had enough. That's if we don't get caught first.

I have patience, I can wait, no insight. I didn't want to go to marriage counseling or try to salvage anything, which would have came up if not for cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether you want to admit it or not, being a dishonest person slowly chips away at your inner core. There'll be a divide between who you say you are and the person you actually are.

No it doesn’t . I have a friend who’s been married for 30 years and having an affair for 28. She’s happy as a clam.