Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

I used to like hosting playdates but now it stresses me out. I have a 5yo and she is good about picking up and putting things away, and not just getting all the toys out. I have a friend with a son 6 mos younger and a 2yo and she has us over to her house a lot. I do try to have them over but when her kids come in and start getting everything out and annoying my dogs it just stresses me out and I dont enjoy it. I also have a smaller house and just cant have that many people at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m a transplant myself, and I get it. It sucks not having a support network. But while you’re at home ‘bored’ with your child, I’m running around like a crazy chicken just trying to get through another day. Hosting an event is literally the last thing on my mind or priority list.

OP here. Okay, I understand that things are more hectic with 2 or more kids, but why can't you invite me over for a simple playdate at your house, the way I've invited you several times? Don't your kids like to have friends over? And why can't you invite us to meet up with you at a playground or something?

In the last year I've probably gotten less than 3 invitations to do anything (zero invites for playdate at their house, one invite for playdate at a park, and 2 invites for big parties (not birthday parties). We get lots of birthday party invites.

Because first, we don’t really do play dates at my house. My kids are close enough in age that they play together, and as I said I’m super busy and not looking for additional stress. To be honest, when I think of play dates I think mostly of only children. And if there was such a well behaved child who I would consider inviting to my house then I’d prob only do it if they were an age and personality that could play with all of kids at once which narrows it down even further. And since I have boys, we don’t have a single Disney or princess thing so that may be another reason if they just have boys. Plus of course I’d need to actually like the mother.

The playing at the park thing is more of a fair question. We do play at the park and would be happy to see other nice kids there. My answers are that 1) they may not know that you’re available for super last minute requests (since very few people plan to go to the park exactly st a certain time due to weather etc and the difficulty getting kids out the door at a certain time) and 2) they might think your daughter is too much of a princess to want to play with sticks and sand at the playground, and 3) they might feel that it’s not a good enough invite for you, esp if you’ve been hosting elaborate events and they might get the feeling you’re counting score and think this wouldn’t be good enough.. maybe they do even intend to invite you when they get around to hosting something but that will probably be years down the line due to more pressing concerns.

[Anonymous]

I don’t host any parties at my house. I have anxiety and ADHD and it’s just too much for me. However, if my friend constantly throws events - I’d go to them because I assume (i) she enjoys planning/hosting them and (ii) I’d welcome any chance to hang out/support my friend. Just bc I don’t host parties doesn’t mean it’s a one-sided relationship. I just prefer to hang out with my friends in smaller groups, or going out to eat etc. And I’m always there for them.

[Anonymous]

I am from here and would like to meet people like the OP. I am lonely and have no good family ties. I relate.

[Anonymous]

15:22 again here. I’d definitely hang out with you (at the playground, movies or hanging out at our house). I’m sorry you’re lonely here.

[Anonymous]

It's not about you, OP, it's about them. You wouldn't blame people for having messy closets or being behind on the laundry, so don't blame them for being overwhelmed and behind on their social lives. Most people out there are honestly just getting by. They're stressed at work and taking kids to activities and finding time occasionally for a date night with their spouse. Play dates and holiday parties (honestly, a Valentine's Day party? Who does that?) just aren't a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you, OP, it's about them. You wouldn't blame people for having messy closets or being behind on the laundry, so don't blame them for being overwhelmed and behind on their social lives. Most people out there are honestly just getting by. They're stressed at work and taking kids to activities and finding time occasionally for a date night with their spouse. Play dates and holiday parties (honestly, a Valentine's Day party? Who does that?) just aren't a priority.

Someone with a LOT of time and energy on their hands... who probably also has clean closets and empty laundry baskets.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your child? I presume very little as you insinuate the play dates are not drop off, but rather include you as well.

[Anonymous]

I wish OP was my friend! I was taught that failing to reciprocate is rude, full stop, no excuses. It doesn’t matter that you’re an introvert or your house is messy. I’m an introvert and my house is messy and I just spend the morning cleaning up and I pull myself together for a few hours. What is the big freaking deal? Buy a rotisserie chicken if you can’t cook, get a cleaning lady once in awhile. And it’s not an age thing, I am 32 and I have found the same thing as op.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish OP was my friend! I was taught that failing to reciprocate is rude, full stop, no excuses. It doesn’t matter that you’re an introvert or your house is messy. I’m an introvert and my house is messy and I just spend the morning cleaning up and I pull myself together for a few hours. What is the big freaking deal? Buy a rotisserie chicken if you can’t cook, get a cleaning lady once in awhile. And it’s not an age thing, I am 32 and I have found the same thing as op.

So everyone who doesn't have the better part of a day (according to you - clean up in the morning and spend all afternoon with her) to throw around should decline her invitations too? Somehow I feel like she'd be complaining about that even more ("I enjoy hosting! They just have to show up! I'm not even asking them to do anything!")...

And just curious what you mean by the age thing? Are you trying to say that you think that 32 is old, or that 32 is young?

32 means you're a millennial, which many people associate with being "entitled". Like, if I choose to throw an event and choose to invite you then you must throw and event and must invite me to something too, even if you would never have normally done that and are struggling to get through the day as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

This thread exhausted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. My daughter is 3. I find it no problem at all to host playdates at our house frequently. I'd host them weekly if I felt like it was appreciated/we were getting reciprocal invites. I've hosted playdates plus dinner (homemade), the parties I mentioned, playdate plus brunch, fun things like family game night and make your own pizza night, etc. Sometimes I invite one family over, sometimes I invite 2-3 over for a playdate.

I do enjoy entertaining but I'd enjoy it more if people reciprocated! I'm trying to make friends and I have no idea if the people I'm inviting are interested in being friends or not, because they aren't inviting us to do anything.

I am from the Midwest originally, but growing up my parents only hosted adults only dinner parties at our house, nothing that was family friendly, and they did not entertain often (both were very anti-social). I learned how to entertain on my own. People often comment that my parties are some of the best they've ever been to, and while it's lovely to hear the compliments, what I really want is to be invited out places!

I'm the PP you responded to, and I get that. My point was that while I like entertaining adults, *I* don't like to host playdates. So if you invited my kids over for one, it would be a high stress thing for me to reciprocate. I might invite you for brunch with your kids and spouse, but I know many people who don't have homes where they feel comfortable doing that.

I'm not sure what you want out of this thread. We're trying to tell you why people don't reciprocate your invitations...it has nothing to do with you and whether people like you or want to be your friend. It will probably get different when your kids are older, and people are less physically exhausted. In the meantime, I would suggest maybe trying to cultivate friendships that are separate from kids. Ladies dinners and such. I will do triple somersaults to attend the monthly ladies dinner I have with a group of friends, because it's just so nice to socialize with grown-ups a no one asking me for anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, people have given you dozens of reasons why they wouldnt reciprocate. Personally I love meeting up one on one with other moks and also single friends. Im an introvert and group events are not my thing. I also fid it hard to relax if I am watching my kid at a park playdate while trying to talk to someone else. Meeting someone for coffee or dinner is much more enjoyable because I don't have to clean my house or get distracted with my kid. Maybe try meeting up with another mom.