Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

Hee hee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

Wow.
There is always time for friends, so reasons are much simpler than your long list of faults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

Oh, honey...no. It's your personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

I would say to actually *not* do a party and instead something with one couple that focuses on letting the adults interact. It doesn't sound like people have much opportunity to get to know OP, because she is always busy being hostess or minding the kids. Friendships aren't just formulaic, you have to actually like the people. And the only way for that to happen is to have the time and space to talk to each other.

+1

OP might be an amazing hostess, and enjoys it, but hosting big parties is not how you make friends. Have a few big events if you find them enjoyable, but try to have more stuff that's smaller groups with a lower-key menu, so people can relax and have a conversation. That's the only way you find out if you actually like people.

[Anonymous]

OP, I stopped reading a few pages in, so apologies if my answer has already been given by someone else.

Who do you really like among the groups of people that you're asking over? Have you gotten to know any of them deeper than as party guests?

We don't have the time/space/energy to do a lot of hosting, but we always make room for our closest people. We live in circumstances similar to yours and have an only child with only a few distant cousins. We've reached out to other families and have been lucky enough to make some really good connections where they support us in return, but those connections weren't made by having them over to play or inviting them to our Christmas party.

Have you had the opportunity to be a friend to them? Like if they're sick, offer to pick up their kids from school or take them soup. Or if you know their kid is really into X character and you see a show featuring that character coming to town, you ask if they want to go with you. Or have you asked them for help with anything, like today I have a migraine, can you take my child for a bit while I nap?

I'm sure people like you just fine, but I'm not sure that what you're looking for can be found in the level of interaction you've been having. PPs have made other good points too, like others aren't great at hosting, etc. but I also think you need to identify one or two families that would be good potential friends and start getting to know them better and reaching out on a more personal level than a big gathering allows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

X1000


X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

Wow.
There is always time for friends, so reasons are much simpler than your long list of faults.

Making friends is one thing. Reciprocating is another. If you do not like someone very much, you reciprocate once and you are done. In future, you turn down their invites because you do not want to be friends with them. You cannot mooch and then do not reciprocate. That is a lack of good breeding and manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Here are the reasons people do not reciprocate -

1) Their house is small, dirty, cluttered, dated
2) They are strapped for cash
3) They are freeloaders and have no shame
4) They do not know how to cook
5) They do not want to spend the money on hosting (even if they have the money)
6) They do not have time
7) They have not been raised to know how to entertain.
8) They have a bad marriage/partnership and they cannot agree how to entertain

In all of the above scenarios people who do not reciprocate have something in their lives that is subpar. A lack of breeding, lack of money, dysfunctional marriage, badly run household.
For them, it is hard to reciprocate because the stars will never align to do the simplest social thing to invite people over.

Wow.
There is always time for friends, so reasons are much simpler than your long list of faults.

Making friends is one thing. Reciprocating is another. If you do not like someone very much, you reciprocate once and you are done. In future, you turn down their invites because you do not want to be friends with them. You cannot mooch and then do not reciprocate. That is a lack of good breeding and manners.

Mooch? No wonder you feel OP's pain. Keeping score must be tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

IF you are not a troll (I’m not sure) then the bolder above is definitely your problem. You are intimidating the hell out of people. I am a SAHM with a nice house but I don’t have the extra money for renovations or extensive decorating. We have fresh paint and newer furniture and light fixtures but the house itself is 25 years old. I loathe Pinterest. When we have families over it’s usually burgers & brats in the summer or chili/cornbread in the winter. My junk/mail counter in the kitchen is what it is. Same with my laundry room which is right off the kitchen. I prefer casual is key friends. I don’t want to spend parties walking around asking people if they need their drink refillled. It casual enough people help themselves and I like it this way.

If I attended one of your Pinterest parties in your fully renovated decorated house, I would be way too intimidated to ever have you over.

OP here. Fair enough. But I dress very low key (most of my clothes are from Target), no jewelry or makeup, I never look put together, my hair always looks sub-par, so I feel like my personal appearance kind of neutralizes the house/entertaining thing. In other words, I'm a very down to earth, non-superficial person who seeks deep and meaningful relationships but I happen to love keeping a neat, clutter free and organized home, love renovating/decorating/Pinterest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

Ha, my house is messy because I feel like living a less stressed and frantic life and if I was bent about that then I would be more stressed and frantic!

OP I like hosting and do on occasion and I'm fairly introverted but you know what I hate? People who do things like host a party just to get invited to a bunch of parties. This is like thank you notes. If you want to do something for me that you consider nice/kind but comes with some social expectation please just don't invite me. Honestly in your posts you have kind of a judgy tone and you seem like kind of a lot. If I had you in the 'high maitenence' bucket I probably wouldn't even reach out for things like playdates because you're kind of exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

Ugh. OP, I was with you until I read this. Not everyone is going to have read the book of etiquette you live by. People are people with flaws and if you want to be friends, you have to accept that they don't communicate/host/invite the same way as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

OP, my suggestion is that you start saying, "Well, how about this Saturday?" You are waiting for people to behave according to your expectations. Evidently that is not working. Time to try a different strategy.