Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick and tired of the fact that we host a ton of events all the time and no one reciprocates. We're a married couple in our late 30s with a preschool aged child. We have no local family and so making good friends is extremely important to us. I have a lot of friends in gneral and entertain frequently at home and out. We host an annual 4th of July party, Halloween party, New Year's Eve party, and Valentines' Party (all family friendly). We spend a lot of money and time on these events, with really nice food, decorations, a lot of thought and planning going into them.

Not only are we not really invited to things like this, but people don't invite us over for simple play dates! We host a regular playdate or playdate/dinner at least twice a month. In addition we invite friends to join us out for dinner, festivals/fairs, playground, etc.

We are invited to a lot of birthday parties but that's not the same thing.

I'd say for every 20 invitations (for playdates, parties, holidays), we issue, we get one in return.

We continue to host because again, we have no local family/no supportive family, and making friends is very important to us (we're also not from this area originally).

For example, this Thanksgiving we have no plans. We have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. I let all my friends know this, hoping someone would invite us to join them (especially since we hosted a big Friendsgiving last year). No one has. I feel so depressed and let down about this.

It's incredibly discouraging that people do not reciprocate. I just want people to invite us out somewhere to do something once in awhile. A simple playdate. Meeting at a playground. Is that too much to ask?

Why don't people do this?

Ignore the people who scold you for being let down, OP, these are the ones who greedily gobble invites but don't reciprocate. I have had this experience too, I have no idea why people are so rude. We actually stopped entertaining because of it, and haven't seen some of our regular guests since then (it's been years).

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem like a nice person but you're waaay to extroverted for me. Just a couple of get togethers a year is fine for me. My suggestion is that you take the initiative to get other people to host and offer to help. Like the other PPs said, perhaps your perfect hosting skills are intimidating. Next time you're hosting one of you're awesome parties, ask who wants to host the next one and help train your friends to be awesome hosts also. I'd probably, grudgingly host a dinner or something if I had an in-depth stupid-proof checklist.

[Anonymous]

People are selfish and mannerless.

[Anonymous]

OP we are transplants too, we spend our Christmases and Thanksgivings just us. Its very hard to be included in what are considered "family" holidays. When we lived in Los Angeles things were different, more inclusive, lots of invitations all the time.

This is a closed area which is highly, highly conservative and the I say "this area" I am including Virginia, MD and DC.

You are doing a good job of socializing. After your kid is in ES then things may pick up on the reciprocal front. I know that's a ways off but it will be worth it.

For what its worth, my son has a best friend in 5th grade who came over one day in August. They only invited my son back to theirs this November. They are weird and only do "family" events on weekends and holidays and nominate one day per week where they MIGHT do a social activity.

It takes all kinds of folks....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Full of mooching on those dumb enough to invite you???

[Anonymous]

People arent that nice here, we aren’t from this area either and I’ve noticed on the whole this is true. The culture here isn’t about reciprocation - it’s people being busy and into themselves. I have a kid in K and 2nd grade and I’ve given up trying. If I were near you I’d love to meet you and host your family! But people here are hard. I have maybe 2-3 moms I like no families that we can hang out with due to kids’ ages being so different. We’ve accepted it’s just going to b the 4 of us. Until we move lol I’ve lived in other cities and it is NOT like this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick and tired of the fact that we host a ton of events all the time and no one reciprocates. We're a married couple in our late 30s with a preschool aged child. We have no local family and so making good friends is extremely important to us. I have a lot of friends in gneral and entertain frequently at home and out. We host an annual 4th of July party, Halloween party, New Year's Eve party, and Valentines' Party (all family friendly). We spend a lot of money and time on these events, with really nice food, decorations, a lot of thought and planning going into them.

Not only are we not really invited to things like this, but people don't invite us over for simple play dates! We host a regular playdate or playdate/dinner at least twice a month. In addition we invite friends to join us out for dinner, festivals/fairs, playground, etc.

We are invited to a lot of birthday parties but that's not the same thing.

I'd say for every 20 invitations (for playdates, parties, holidays), we issue, we get one in return.

We continue to host because again, we have no local family/no supportive family, and making friends is very important to us (we're also not from this area originally).

Your guests have terrible manners. Play dates should be reciprocated at the least when possible. Maybe invite some new people.

For example, this Thanksgiving we have no plans. We have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. I let all my friends know this, hoping someone would invite us to join them (especially since we hosted a big Friendsgiving last year). No one has. I feel so depressed and let down about this.

It's incredibly discouraging that people do not reciprocate. I just want people to invite us out somewhere to do something once in awhile. A simple playdate. Meeting at a playground. Is that too much to ask?

Why don't people do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

IF you are not a troll (I’m not sure) then the bolder above is definitely your problem. You are intimidating the hell out of people. I am a SAHM with a nice house but I don’t have the extra money for renovations or extensive decorating. We have fresh paint and newer furniture and light fixtures but the house itself is 25 years old. I loathe Pinterest. When we have families over it’s usually burgers & brats in the summer or chili/cornbread in the winter. My junk/mail counter in the kitchen is what it is. Same with my laundry room which is right off the kitchen. I prefer casual is key friends. I don’t want to spend parties walking around asking people if they need their drink refillled. It casual enough people help themselves and I like it this way.

If I attended one of your Pinterest parties in your fully renovated decorated house, I would be way too intimidated to ever have you over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I haven't read all the way thru, but I think it's a combo of this and what other people talked about in terms of not being comfortable inviting you to smaller gatherings because you are more acquaintance than friend. We have been in this situation with one or two families that throw big lavish parties we have attended. We have gone and frankly didn't reciprocate even though I am someone that would usually. In both cases, I felt like we were included on the party
List which was nice but I didn't really think either family wanted to be our "friends" - we entertain but usually small gatherings of 1-3 families and I would not have felt. Importable inciting either family to such an intimate event.

If I were you I'd scale back for 6 months. Instead of huge parties, invite one or two families/moms that you think you really click with to do something. And, maybe don't entertain at home. Or keep it more casual and less Pinterest'y.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

IF you are not a troll (I’m not sure) then the bolder above is definitely your problem. You are intimidating the hell out of people. I am a SAHM with a nice house but I don’t have the extra money for renovations or extensive decorating. We have fresh paint and newer furniture and light fixtures but the house itself is 25 years old. I loathe Pinterest. When we have families over it’s usually burgers & brats in the summer or chili/cornbread in the winter. My junk/mail counter in the kitchen is what it is. Same with my laundry room which is right off the kitchen. I prefer casual is key friends. I don’t want to spend parties walking around asking people if they need their drink refillled. It casual enough people help themselves and I like it this way.

If I attended one of your Pinterest parties in your fully renovated decorated house, I would be way too intimidated to ever have you over.

[Anonymous]

People probably don’t reciprocate because they feel your “my house is something out of HGTV!!!!! All my sh*t is sooooo Pinterest-worthy!!!!!!!!” attitude off-putting. I personally wouldn’t want you over my house. Actually I wouldn’t want to spend any time more than necessary with someone who puts out that vibe. I am more of a “let’s have a Bud Light and watch football in the basement” kinda gal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we are transplants too, we spend our Christmases and Thanksgivings just us. Its very hard to be included in what are considered "family" holidays. When we lived in Los Angeles things were different, more inclusive, lots of invitations all the time.

This is a closed area which is highly, highly conservative and the I say "this area" I am including Virginia, MD and DC.

You are doing a good job of socializing. After your kid is in ES then things may pick up on the reciprocal front. I know that's a ways off but it will be worth it.

For what its worth, my son has a best friend in 5th grade who came over one day in August. They only invited my son back to theirs this November. They are weird and only do "family" events on weekends and holidays and nominate one day per week where they MIGHT do a social activity.

It takes all kinds of folks....

I've noticed the same thing. When I lived in CA (LA area), people were always having little get togethers at their houses. Here, it seems like people don't like to entertain at home as much. I've been to all my CA friends' homes, but here in DC, it's maybe 50%. Holidays were the same; we got countless invitations to spend holidays with our CA friends, but that's never happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to clarify that the "big parties" or cookouts we host are only 3-4 times per year.

The rest of the time we host small family friendly dinner parties with 1-2 families, that is once a month.

We also host regular playdates with 1-2 families at our house, usually 1-2 times per month.

And invite friends (one family) to meet up at the playground, park, festival, etc.--1-2 times per month.

I have a large group of friends/acquaintances and besides the big parties I try to only invite a family to get together maybe once every two months.

But still, in 2017 we have gotten a grand total of 3 invites after all the inviting that we have done. Makes me sad.

That's a lot of hosting. I just couldn't constantly be in prep mode like that and I think most people would agree. My husband and I are functioning introverts but we do manage to entertain a few times a year and do a few play dates a year at our house. Anything more than that would be exhausting for us.

[Anonymous]

I'd invite you OP (but I don't know you).

We don't host at our house (because it's small), but I host playdates all over the city. If I knew you - I'd invite you to anything.

Maybe you should branch out your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For example, this Thanksgiving we have no plans. We have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. I let all my friends know this, hoping someone would invite us to join them (especially since we hosted a big Friendsgiving last year). No one has. I feel so depressed and let down about this.

OP, don't hint. Say it outright. "We have no family to spend Thanksgiving, and I think it's depressing just the 3 of us. What are you guys doing? What if we had Thanksgiving together?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?