Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, people have given you dozens of reasons why they wouldnt reciprocate. Personally I love meeting up one on one with other moks and also single friends. Im an introvert and group events are not my thing. I also fid it hard to relax if I am watching my kid at a park playdate while trying to talk to someone else. Meeting someone for coffee or dinner is much more enjoyable because I don't have to clean my house or get distracted with my kid. Maybe try meeting up with another mom.

*moms not moks!

[Anonymous]

OP, on the Thanksgiving thing specifically, that is a tough one bc people often don't have complete control over who they invite. A bunch of people go to a relative's house, so would feel rude bringing a friend the relative didn't know. Or for example, for my family, I am hosting my inlaws. They are not more the merrier type people and would view me inviting a friend as intruding on their family time. So it may be that people who want to invite you just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then don't host!

OP here. Well if we don't host then it's just the 3 of us all the time. I want us to have good friends. You can't have good friends if you're alone all the time! Also, my husband travels a lot for work so it's just me and DC most of the time, which is super lonely when you don't have any local family. Especially on holidays, when it's always just the 3 of us.

I know just how you feel. It's exhausting making all the effort.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read through all the responses so sorry if this has been addressed. Don't take it personally. We don't host large gatherings because our house is small and we have a dog who also gets overexcited when there are hoards of kids around. We have friends who don't host because they feel easily overwhelmed by the prospect. Others may not host because one spouse is introverted. Big parties result in a wider circle of social contacts but not deeper friendships. Those that invite us are usually not our close friends and we often feel like we wouldn't make the cutoff if they hosted a small dinner party. The group play dates are a nice idea when kids are young but a lot of people are hesitant to open their homes to large groups of kids at the same time.

I also feel like social connections are easier to make in small groups. We do invite 1-3 families at a time to our home for get-togethers. However, our house is even small for that so it's more when we feel overdue to reciprocate. We also invite others to join us for dinner out when leaving games or events and have made some great friends that way. I most often invite friends to meet for lunch and coffee or couples to do dinner out. We simply can't have the big parties. If I don't reciprocate that kind of invitation, it is definitely not that I don't like the couple that invited us.

Personally I think quality is more important than quantity. Have the big parties if they make you happy but don't have them expecting invitations. Instead focus on a few people/couples you feel you really have connected with and shore up those friendships in a more intimate setting. You'll find your social circle will grow naturally as your child enters elementary school and begins to do activities like sports, scouts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Please try not to take it personally. Not everyone thrives on hosting. I'm still overwhelmed adjusting to 2 kids and a demanding full time job. Keeping up with laundry, housework, groceries and cooking consumes my weekend. Plus I wanna hang out with my kids. Hosting their birthday parties is kind of enough for me at this point in my life. I wouldn't mind hosting one additional event a year, maybe when my youngest starts sleeping thru the night, if ever!!

Also don't always feel like you have to host. I'd love to meet friends at a museum or a playground and then we have a picnic. That way neither one of us has to clean our house and host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ but you host because YOU want to right? You can't and shouldn't expect some sort of payback/returns, no?

Reciprocation is part of the social contract.

[Anonymous]

If the numbers are really 20 offers for 1 invitation, as you say, then I don’t think you really understand how social and extroverted you are compared to most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then don't host!

OP here. Well if we don't host then it's just the 3 of us all the time. I want us to have good friends. You can't have good friends if you're alone all the time! Also, my husband travels a lot for work so it's just me and DC most of the time, which is super lonely when you don't have any local family. Especially on holidays, when it's always just the 3 of us.

I know just how you feel. It's exhausting making all the effort.

In the same boat. These days we host infrequently and live like hermits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your child? I presume very little as you insinuate the play dates are not drop off, but rather include you as well.

OP here. She is 3 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

I would guess it is because they think there are more important things than having a neat house.

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend who hosts picnics and events at her house (I don't go too often because our husbands are not friends and because I don't click with any of her friends). She complains that no one reciprocates. I have no idea why. All I can say is that their events are boring (to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

Just so they can live their lives according to your standards?

[Anonymous]

PP here - I also host some playdates that are never reciprocated. I only host them if my child asks for a particular child, and on my terms (when it is convenient for me). Otherwise I too would feel resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m a transplant myself, and I get it. It sucks not having a support network. But while you’re at home ‘bored’ with your child, I’m running around like a crazy chicken just trying to get through another day. Hosting an event is literally the last thing on my mind or priority list.

OP here. Okay, I understand that things are more hectic with 2 or more kids, but why can't you invite me over for a simple playdate at your house, the way I've invited you several times? Don't your kids like to have friends over? And why can't you invite us to meet up with you at a playground or something?

In the last year I've probably gotten less than 3 invitations to do anything (zero invites for playdate at their house, one invite for playdate at a park, and 2 invites for big parties (not birthday parties). We get lots of birthday party invites.

Because first, we don’t really do play dates at my house. My kids are close enough in age that they play together, and as I said I’m super busy and not looking for additional stress. To be honest, when I think of play dates I think mostly of only children. And if there was such a well behaved child who I would consider inviting to my house then I’d prob only do it if they were an age and personality that could play with all of kids at once which narrows it down even further. And since I have boys, we don’t have a single Disney or princess thing so that may be another reason if they just have boys. Plus of course I’d need to actually like the mother.

The playing at the park thing is more of a fair question. We do play at the park and would be happy to see other nice kids there. My answers are that 1) they may not know that you’re available for super last minute requests (since very few people plan to go to the park exactly st a certain time due to weather etc and the difficulty getting kids out the door at a certain time) and 2) they might think your daughter is too much of a princess to want to play with sticks and sand at the playground, and 3) they might feel that it’s not a good enough invite for you, esp if you’ve been hosting elaborate events and they might get the feeling you’re counting score and think this wouldn’t be good enough.. maybe they do even intend to invite you when they get around to hosting something but that will probably be years down the line due to more pressing concerns.

OP here. All of this makes perfect sense. Thank you for explaining.

The issue is that we have an only child (secondary infertility, not by choice) and pretty much everyone else I know has 2,3, or 4 kids. So that makes it really hard to make friends around here, for both me and my child. So does anyone have any advice about this? We live out in the distant suburbs and there are very few other only children around (my daughter is the only only child in her entire preschool).