Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

I am so sick and tired of the fact that we host a ton of events all the time and no one reciprocates. We're a married couple in our late 30s with a preschool aged child. We have no local family and so making good friends is extremely important to us. I have a lot of friends in gneral and entertain frequently at home and out. We host an annual 4th of July party, Halloween party, New Year's Eve party, and Valentines' Party (all family friendly). We spend a lot of money and time on these events, with really nice food, decorations, a lot of thought and planning going into them.

Not only are we not really invited to things like this, but people don't invite us over for simple play dates! We host a regular playdate or playdate/dinner at least twice a month. In addition we invite friends to join us out for dinner, festivals/fairs, playground, etc.

We are invited to a lot of birthday parties but that's not the same thing.

I'd say for every 20 invitations (for playdates, parties, holidays), we issue, we get one in return.

We continue to host because again, we have no local family/no supportive family, and making friends is very important to us (we're also not from this area originally).

For example, this Thanksgiving we have no plans. We have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. I let all my friends know this, hoping someone would invite us to join them (especially since we hosted a big Friendsgiving last year). No one has. I feel so depressed and let down about this.

It's incredibly discouraging that people do not reciprocate. I just want people to invite us out somewhere to do something once in awhile. A simple playdate. Meeting at a playground. Is that too much to ask?

Why don't people do this?

[Anonymous]

Then don't host!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then don't host!

OP here. Well if we don't host then it's just the 3 of us all the time. I want us to have good friends. You can't have good friends if you're alone all the time! Also, my husband travels a lot for work so it's just me and DC most of the time, which is super lonely when you don't have any local family. Especially on holidays, when it's always just the 3 of us.

[Anonymous]

^ but you host because YOU want to right? You can't and shouldn't expect some sort of payback/returns, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ but you host because YOU want to right? You can't and shouldn't expect some sort of payback/returns, no?

OP here. I do expect reciprocation. Back in my day (80's, 90s), when I was growing up, my mother always said, if she has you over, you have her over. That's how reciprocation works.

But why does no one seem to do this these days?

Is it just that they don't like us?

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain and I think the reality is that many people just want to focus on immediate family. They don't crave a big circle of meaningful relationships like you (and I) do. So they are happy to say yes to an invitation, but they don't really see it as reciprocal relationship building. I think the best strategy is to really seek out and cultivate people who have similar ideas and circumstances-not just a random assortment of neighbors, parents at your kids' school, etc.

[Anonymous]

We are hosters as well and have been since our 20's. I don't take it personally that people don't reciprocate. For many, they really don't know how to entertain and they don't ever do it. I enjoy having people over, hosting small and big parties, etc. but don't hope for reciprocation. It's funny to see all those HGTV shows where everyone says "we want to entertain"- I think very few actually do.

Start a few Thanksgiving traditions for just your family- a hike in the woods before dinner, making something special, etc, and embrace having just your family for the day.

[Anonymous]

No one is hosting all these activities so there’s nothing to invite you to. They already have thanksgiving plans so don’t understand your hints. Give up the idea of reciprocation and only host if you want to, with no idea that there will be a payback.

[Anonymous]

If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

[Anonymous]

We don't host big parties for Valentine's Day, Halloween, etc. so that's why you're not being invited to those at my house. We also go to a relative's house for Thanksgiving, so that's why I can't invite you to that either. I'll definitely meet up with you at the playground, and if my house is clean enough then maybe I'll set up a play date as well. But not everyone is inclined to host big events...surely you recognize that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ but you host because YOU want to right? You can't and shouldn't expect some sort of payback/returns, no?

OP here. I do expect reciprocation. Back in my day (80's, 90s), when I was growing up, my mother always said, if she has you over, you have her over. That's how reciprocation works.

But why does no one seem to do this these days?

Is it just that they don't like us?

That is not it. You can let that one go.

[Anonymous]

People are busy and don't value entertaining.

[Anonymous]

I work part time and have three kids. #3 is 2.
Kiddo #2 just started K and he is having a hard time with full day & dropping the nap. He is good at school but a beast at home. I have had to start bedtime routine at 6:30 to get him to be sleeping around 7.
I'm also really tired myself. I need to get my iron and thyroid checked to see if it's a medical issues or just this stage of life right now.
So I am taking somewhat of a hosting hiatus since kid 3 was born. I have friends who host a lot. Basically they host so much that I can't host anything because they're keeping me busy enough as it is.
And we all have to go to bed so early and people want to stay so late lol. I don't think it will be like this forever.
I think people will reciprocate for you but you're perhaps beating them to it & if you wait for them it won't be on the timetable you want.

[Anonymous]

I don’t due to the judgyness. My home is small and clean. I don’t have room for all the crap needed to entertain. We bought extra dishes. I put them on the shelves and freaked out at how cluttered it looked. 4 of each place setting just seems right to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain and I think the reality is that many people just want to focus on immediate family. They don't crave a big circle of meaningful relationships like you (and I) do. So they are happy to say yes to an invitation, but they don't really see it as reciprocal relationship building. I think the best strategy is to really seek out and cultivate people who have similar ideas and circumstances-not just a random assortment of neighbors, parents at your kids' school, etc.

OP here. I think you're absolutely right. The main problem is that a) we're not from this area so we don't have a social circle here from high school/college like most people, and b) we have no local family, so our weekends and holidays are always free with no plans (we see extended family twice a year). That makes it really hard because we are extroverts who love spending time with people, but 95% of the time it's just the 3 of us. Or the 2 of us when my husband is on long business trips, which feels especially lonely. He travels on holidays too, which really sucks.

I have no idea how to find people who also want reciprocal relationships, because I have not been able to find that yet, even from the few people who are transplants like us.