Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

People just don't reciprocate for lots of reasons, OP. I say this as a very frequent party hoster/inviter/play date-planner. Host if you WANT to and let your expectations of other people go.
(Yes, they should reciprocate. But they aren't going to. When my oldest was much younger, I had similar expectations as you. Don't waste time and energy wondering about it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll definitely meet up with you at the playground, and if my house is clean enough then maybe I'll set up a play date as well. But not everyone is inclined to host big events...surely you recognize that?

OP here. Well the issue is that if I invite you for Friendsgiving and a New Year's Eve Party, and you don't even invite me over for a single playdate over the course of the year, well I feel slighted. At least you could invite me to meet up with you at a playground sometime, but you don't even do that. So I feel that I put in all this effort and you put in none, so I conclude that you do not value our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Op I just wanted to share that we are in the exact same situation. Even worse, my husband actually has to work on Thanksgiving. I've kind gotten used to it over the years. Our kids are a bit older now, tweens and teens so we just make it a family day. We stay in our pajamas all day, we make our own dinner and just hang out.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better OP, it’s not just you!

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/660738.page

[Anonymous]

Keep hosting and keep inviting people over, OP. Eventually, you will start getting invitations. Some people are just weird about hosting anything. I notice it here more than any other place we've ever lived.

[Anonymous]

I'm the previous poster. I also wanted to add that I've let a lot of friendships go over the years. The amount of money and time I was spending on people just wasn't worth it. I have a very very small circle of friends now and while I'm always open to making new friends I don't go out of my way like i used to initiating friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Yeah I get it. I also have the time to go to other people’s parties but my life is too full to host one myself.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is to consider how well behaved your child is. Most parents think their kid is an angel but it’s rarely the case.

Second, you have one child. Other people have different situations. It means the childless set probably aren’t that interested in friendships with you, and you probably (or evidently really, given your posts) don’t have any idea how hectic things are with multiple kids.

I’m a transplant myself, and I get it. It sucks not having a support network. But while you’re at home ‘bored’ with your child, I’m running around like a crazy chicken just trying to get through another day. Hosting an event is literally the last thing on my mind or priority list.

If you invite me to something and seem to genuinely want me there, I’ll assume you love to host and I’ll do my best to come. It wouldn’t occur to me that there were strings attached. Even though we don’t have other local friends, we don’t need high maintenance friends that add even more stress to our lives.

[Anonymous]

There are multiple things going on, OP.

First, there are people who like to host and people who hate it. There are many people who see their home as a private sanctuary, especially if they have an introverted side. For them to invite people over feels about as fun and natural as inviting people into the bathroom to shower and cut toenails with them.

The most you can expect from them is that they invite you to meet up elsewhere sometimes, and that they express appreciation for your hosting efforts and offer to pitch in and contribute.

A second thing is that people see how much you enjoy hosting, and that enjoyment is so alien to them that they think they're making you happy by coming to your events. This is also how they rationalize not reciprocating.

A third thing is that many people feel inadequate and insecure about hosting. They are pretty sure that they will be awkward, ill-equipped hosts and that people will not have a good time and will judge everything.

A fourth thing is that everyone sees you as hosts, not guests. Maybe you'd need to be more (pleasantly) blunt about wanting to be invited to something, and it would nudge some people to the novel idea of hosting you.

People tend to be pretty self-involved, and many haven't grown up with a hosting culture or fine points of manners and the understanding of social duties. It's not a slight to you that they don't invite you, so you should try to set that attitude aside. Come out and ask for what you need. Your real friends will do all they can to try to give back, in the ways they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll definitely meet up with you at the playground, and if my house is clean enough then maybe I'll set up a play date as well. But not everyone is inclined to host big events...surely you recognize that?

OP here. Well the issue is that if I invite you for Friendsgiving and a New Year's Eve Party, and you don't even invite me over for a single playdate over the course of the year, well I feel slighted. At least you could invite me to meet up with you at a playground sometime, but you don't even do that. So I feel that I put in all this effort and you put in none, so I conclude that you do not value our friendship.

NP. OP, I am introverted and while I would accept an invitation to a party if I could, I would never reciprocate with my own party. And, this might seem odd to you, but if you were only initiating "party" invitations to me I might not think of you right off the bat for a simple playground meet up. I would probably assume that we were good enough friends to be invited to your big event but not in your smaller circle of casual meet ups (as an introvert I have a lot of fantasies about the very full and exciting social lives you extroverts lead). If you invited us to a couple playground meet ups, though, then I would definitely think of you for that.

Also, RE the parties, what if you did some more casual events, like pot lucks or restaurant meet ups? You would still have the burden of initiating but overall it would be less work for you overall.

And family friendly is great but if you are looking for friendships sometimes "just moms" works better. I did host a book club for a while and other moms were receptive to that. Eventually hosting/attending became to difficult for me because one of my kids has special needs and DH often works late but I think the club continued at another friend's house. Even though we mostly just drank and ate the "book club" worked better than an outside happy hour because no one felt pressure to get dressed up or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple things going on, OP.

First, there are people who like to host and people who hate it. There are many people who see their home as a private sanctuary, especially if they have an introverted side. For them to invite people over feels about as fun and natural as inviting people into the bathroom to shower and cut toenails with them.

The most you can expect from them is that they invite you to meet up elsewhere sometimes, and that they express appreciation for your hosting efforts and offer to pitch in and contribute.

A second thing is that people see how much you enjoy hosting, and that enjoyment is so alien to them that they think they're making you happy by coming to your events. This is also how they rationalize not reciprocating.

A third thing is that many people feel inadequate and insecure about hosting. They are pretty sure that they will be awkward, ill-equipped hosts and that people will not have a good time and will judge everything.

A fourth thing is that everyone sees you as hosts, not guests. Maybe you'd need to be more (pleasantly) blunt about wanting to be invited to something, and it would nudge some people to the novel idea of hosting you.

People tend to be pretty self-involved, and many haven't grown up with a hosting culture or fine points of manners and the understanding of social duties. It's not a slight to you that they don't invite you, so you should try to set that attitude aside. Come out and ask for what you need. Your real friends will do all they can to try to give back, in the ways they can.

Yep. Especially the last paragraph!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m a transplant myself, and I get it. It sucks not having a support network. But while you’re at home ‘bored’ with your child, I’m running around like a crazy chicken just trying to get through another day. Hosting an event is literally the last thing on my mind or priority list.

OP here. Okay, I understand that things are more hectic with 2 or more kids, but why can't you invite me over for a simple playdate at your house, the way I've invited you several times? Don't your kids like to have friends over? And why can't you invite us to meet up with you at a playground or something?

In the last year I've probably gotten less than 3 invitations to do anything (zero invites for playdate at their house, one invite for playdate at a park, and 2 invites for big parties (not birthday parties). We get lots of birthday party invites.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to DC, OP. Where people will die on a hill defending their selfishness.

We are from Savannah, relocated to the DC area after graduate school and have found it very difficult to meet friends. My DH managed to track down a few families who enjoy watching UGA football games, so we all rotate hosting UGA watch parties during college football season. We've found that these families grew up in a social circle more similar to us than the random families I've met through work, for example.

Are you from an area with strong regional roots (such as a popular college football team)? You may want to start there.

[Anonymous]

Op, look for more extrovert friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll definitely meet up with you at the playground, and if my house is clean enough then maybe I'll set up a play date as well. But not everyone is inclined to host big events...surely you recognize that?

OP here. Well the issue is that if I invite you for Friendsgiving and a New Year's Eve Party, and you don't even invite me over for a single playdate over the course of the year, well I feel slighted. At least you could invite me to meet up with you at a playground sometime, but you don't even do that. So I feel that I put in all this effort and you put in none, so I conclude that you do not value our friendship.

NP. OP, I am introverted and while I would accept an invitation to a party if I could, I would never reciprocate with my own party. And, this might seem odd to you, but if you were only initiating "party" invitations to me I might not think of you right off the bat for a simple playground meet up. I would probably assume that we were good enough friends to be invited to your big event but not in your smaller circle of casual meet ups (as an introvert I have a lot of fantasies about the very full and exciting social lives you extroverts lead). If you invited us to a couple playground meet ups, though, then I would definitely think of you for that.

Also, RE the parties, what if you did some more casual events, like pot lucks or restaurant meet ups? You would still have the burden of initiating but overall it would be less work for you overall.

And family friendly is great but if you are looking for friendships sometimes "just moms" works better. I did host a book club for a while and other moms were receptive to that. Eventually hosting/attending became to difficult for me because one of my kids has special needs and DH often works late but I think the club continued at another friend's house. Even though we mostly just drank and ate the "book club" worked better than an outside happy hour because no one felt pressure to get dressed up or anything.

+1. Another introvert here. I have acquaintances who have invited me over for bigger play dates and stuff like Super Bowl parties. We haven't reciprocated because I'm not sure if be included in one-on-one, smaller events by these "friends"... In other words, I'm not sure if we are good enough friends that I can invite them over as a friend or couple and not have it be weird. At the same time I don't have a big crowd of people to invite over, so the bigger gathering or play date option is out. We are also in the process of renovating or house, and every friend lives in a bigger and newer, more finished house. I'm ok with that, but I assume they don't want to come over when I have projects going on and their spaces are bigger and more comfortable.