Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

When kids were younger we used to attend those holiday parties, it was a chore for me. I assume that people who host love parties and hosting. Playdates were all kids' driven: can Larla come over?, can we meet Larlo at the playground?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm in Capitol Hill and totally relate.

[Anonymous]

I joined a group (not a card game but similar dynamic) when I was new to our neighborhood, 12 woman that met 1x/month. I though it would lead to friendships. Wrong. After many years it became obvious that these women were not becoming my friends, and were not becoming friends with each other. Not sharing any other experience but playing this game 1x/month and satisfied with that. I extended invitations, had an occasional party but none of these women would show up. None would rsvp, none would even mention anything at the next monthly meeting. That is what I found so strange. I made other friends of course. I continued in the group several years just mirroring their behavior, trying to be satisfied with the casual group-only interaction. Eventually I became less and less satisfied. This wasn't my style of friendship and I shouldn't have been wasting energy on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Yeah I get it. I also have the time to go to other people’s parties but my life is too full to host one myself.

I assume this is sarcasm? Otherwise it is so breathtakingly self-absorbed I don’t even know what to say.

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up with parents who entertained a lot and also had a friends circle where this was common. All of them were transplants, so this was their main source of outside interactions. So I kind of get where you are coming from...especially with the concept that it's rude not to reciprocate invites (deep down I feel that way as well). I'm from the midwest, BTW.

But a few things:
1) It might surprise you that while I like hosting people in my home, usually for a sit down brunch or an early dinner, I don't prefer playdates at home or a park. I've got two little kids (1 and almost 4), and it's a huge hassle to get them packed up to take somewhere at a specific time...and putting in a lot of effort to host little kids isn't worth it to me. We take them to the park impromptu. I might call a friend to let them know last minute, but it's pretty much not worth the hassle for me to plan that kind of outing last minute.

2) My memories of my parents entertaining are, obviously, from when I was a bit older than pre-school. It's a lot easier to plan stuff with kids who are a bit older...are you sure your mom was as social when you were in pre-school?

3) I know my house is a bit bigger than most of my friends'. We're fortunate to have that, but one friend of mine has said that she feels uncomfortable entertaining because of the size and general state of cleanliness of their home. She tends to host stuff at parks etc, though, so I guess she is someone who reciprocates. She doesn't even want to do playdates at her house.

4) People really are just more self-involved on the coasts, I think. I grew up in the midwest, and I have moved back and forth between the coasts my entire adulthood (went to college in California). People in California were very nice on the surface, but I had a really difficult time my first quarter in college because people just seemed so distant. People actually used to comment on how I was so "midwestern and friendly" in my dorm. The only exception to this coastal behavior I've found was in New England. I don't know the cause, but I have found that all of my closer friends that I did stuff with on the coasts have always been midwestern transplants. Not sure where you are from, but it's something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Yeah I get it. I also have the time to go to other people’s parties but my life is too full to host one myself.

I assume this is sarcasm? Otherwise it is so breathtakingly self-absorbed I don’t even know what to say.

Yes, my response was sarcastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Yeah I get it. I also have the time to go to other people’s parties but my life is too full to host one myself.

I assume this is sarcasm? Otherwise it is so breathtakingly self-absorbed I don’t even know what to say.

Yes, my response was sarcastic.

Whew!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I joined a group (not a card game but similar dynamic) when I was new to our neighborhood, 12 woman that met 1x/month. I though it would lead to friendships. Wrong. After many years it became obvious that these women were not becoming my friends, and were not becoming friends with each other. Not sharing any other experience but playing this game 1x/month and satisfied with that. I extended invitations, had an occasional party but none of these women would show up. None would rsvp, none would even mention anything at the next monthly meeting. That is what I found so strange. I made other friends of course. I continued in the group several years just mirroring their behavior, trying to be satisfied with the casual group-only interaction. Eventually I became less and less satisfied. This wasn't my style of friendship and I shouldn't have been wasting energy on this.

Amazing. Several years? I can, though, imagine doing an activity once a month without making any connections. I used to volunteer in a school garden once a month (a nice garden not far away, not the school that kids went to) because I like gardening, but didn't make any friends there, didn't click with anyone. I didn't care, because it wasn't the reason I went to the garden. I would come in, sign in, ask the organizer what's needed to be done and go do it. We will chit chat during it and that's it.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that you are a very good hostess and people are intimidated to gave you over. Would you be ok with Laos Johns and salad and beee or are you one of the Opel I here who is mortally offended at being served cheap
Pizza?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up with parents who entertained a lot and also had a friends circle where this was common. All of them were transplants, so this was their main source of outside interactions. So I kind of get where you are coming from...especially with the concept that it's rude not to reciprocate invites (deep down I feel that way as well). I'm from the midwest, BTW.

But a few things:
1) It might surprise you that while I like hosting people in my home, usually for a sit down brunch or an early dinner, I don't prefer playdates at home or a park. I've got two little kids (1 and almost 4), and it's a huge hassle to get them packed up to take somewhere at a specific time...and putting in a lot of effort to host little kids isn't worth it to me. We take them to the park impromptu. I might call a friend to let them know last minute, but it's pretty much not worth the hassle for me to plan that kind of outing last minute.

2) My memories of my parents entertaining are, obviously, from when I was a bit older than pre-school. It's a lot easier to plan stuff with kids who are a bit older...are you sure your mom was as social when you were in pre-school?

3) I know my house is a bit bigger than most of my friends'. We're fortunate to have that, but one friend of mine has said that she feels uncomfortable entertaining because of the size and general state of cleanliness of their home. She tends to host stuff at parks etc, though, so I guess she is someone who reciprocates. She doesn't even want to do playdates at her house.

4) People really are just more self-involved on the coasts, I think. I grew up in the midwest, and I have moved back and forth between the coasts my entire adulthood (went to college in California). People in California were very nice on the surface, but I had a really difficult time my first quarter in college because people just seemed so distant. People actually used to comment on how I was so "midwestern and friendly" in my dorm. The only exception to this coastal behavior I've found was in New England. I don't know the cause, but I have found that all of my closer friends that I did stuff with on the coasts have always been midwestern transplants. Not sure where you are from, but it's something to consider.

OP here. My daughter is 3. I find it no problem at all to host playdates at our house frequently. I'd host them weekly if I felt like it was appreciated/we were getting reciprocal invites. I've hosted playdates plus dinner (homemade), the parties I mentioned, playdate plus brunch, fun things like family game night and make your own pizza night, etc. Sometimes I invite one family over, sometimes I invite 2-3 over for a playdate.

I do enjoy entertaining but I'd enjoy it more if people reciprocated! I'm trying to make friends and I have no idea if the people I'm inviting are interested in being friends or not, because they aren't inviting us to do anything.

I am from the Midwest originally, but growing up my parents only hosted adults only dinner parties at our house, nothing that was family friendly, and they did not entertain often (both were very anti-social). I learned how to entertain on my own. People often comment that my parties are some of the best they've ever been to, and while it's lovely to hear the compliments, what I really want is to be invited out places!

[Anonymous]

I think it's a shame that people in this generation don't know how to entertain properly. They have messy, cluttered houses, serve cheap food and not enough of it, and don't know how to be gracious and welcoming hosts.

[Anonymous]

For play dates with a lot of small kids and moms, join a mom's group that has playgroups. In a playgroup, the moms take turns hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a shame that people in this generation don't know how to entertain properly. They have messy, cluttered houses, serve cheap food and not enough of it, and don't know how to be gracious and welcoming hosts.

How can you be welcoming, gracious and judgemental?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a shame that people in this generation don't know how to entertain properly. They have messy, cluttered houses, serve cheap food and not enough of it, and don't know how to be gracious and welcoming hosts.

A comment like this doesn't help. Doesn't encourage hosting ... except for "welcoming host". All anyone has to be is a welcoming host, a host. Much better than nothing at all.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re running into a few problems here. 1), you only have one child (I do as well so this isn’t coming from a whiny, “oh it’s so easy for you” place). If your friends have multiple children, they’re going to be content to just let siblings play together and won’t host play dates as they will feel there is no need. 2), families with multiple kids often feel more stretched and busy with kid activities (if older kids) or just babies/toddlers being, well, babies/toddlers if younger. 3), there are a lot of transplants without immediate family in the area but there are also a lot of people with parents, siblings, in-laws, etc. fairly close by - let’s say within a 2 hour drive - so on holidays it’s easy for them to get together with family on the holidays. They might not even be home to host anyone else - they might be at Grandma’s house in Baltimore or Winchester. 4), you’ve gotten people into the habit of expecting that you’ll host play dates, parties, etc. so now you’re the host and they don’t even have to worry about it, just show up.

I know it sucks but I believe most people don’t mean to be rude about this. At least you have people coming over and that’s something to be proud of. I’ve hosted and had 2 people out of 12 show up - 6 flat out declines, 6 accepts with 4 last minute cancellations of anything from “we decided to take the boat out this weekend” to “family brought us tickets to Busch gardens” to just not showing up and not saying anything.