Baby Now or Wait 2 Years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people won't have trouble having kids at 35-39. Problem is you don't know if you're most people.

I'd do some testing with my OB. They can tell you a decent amount through some simple bloodwork in terms of whether or not you're looking like an early fertility decliner. No guarantees though in any case.

Agree with this.

Also, if he's anxious to start sooner rather than later, is he willing to be the default parent while you're still in school? Will you be able to afford lots of help? Do you have family around who could help? My sister is having her third right now while getting her MBA and working at a (more than) full time, very demanding job and her DH is out of town for work quite a bit. She makes it work but depends incredibly heavily on my parents and her MIL to help her. If she and her husband didn't have that help, she couldn't manage the MBA program or the job.

Op here. This is part of my concern. My DH doesn't travel, but he works 50 hour weeks. We live close to his parents, but I don't want to treat my MIL as my personal babysitter. She raised her own children, and is not fair I make her raise mine. DH will be present, but with his hours, I doubt he will be Rhee as mic has he plans to be there. We can afford the help, but I'm worried about leaving a newborn in the hands of a babysitter. I can take maternity leave with my current job, but I will still be a full-time student. I wouldn't mind having a child now, but I don't feel I have enough of a support system.

You guys are nowhere near ready to have a baby. I don't think you're even ready to TTC. You need to get on the same page about life priorities. Some things to think about:

What kind of job will you be seeking after you finish school? I don't know what CNRA hours are like. Is it shift work? Do you work days or nights? Do you work 3 12s or 4 10s or banker's hours?

When you have children, what kind of maternity leave do you want to take? 6-8 weeks at least is standard for medical reasons, 12 weeks is covered by FMLA at qualified employers. What kind of paternity leave will your DH take? Will he be the kind of dad who takes a couple days off and then is happy to go back to work or will he stay home with you and the baby for a month? What kind of parenting division of labor do you want? Assuming that the "Breastfeeding nursing moms" thread is also you, it sounds like you are prioritizing a parenting style that involves a super-baby who falls asleep on their own, never whines, and requires very little of you. Where is your husband in all of that? Will he take the baby to the doctor? Will he cover sick days? Will he do pick up and drop off at whatever childcare y'all agree on? And what about childcare? Will you find daycare? If so, your work hours are pretty important. I know of very few daycares that were able to accommodate my RN best friend's schedule and her husband wasn't reliably able to do either end, so they had to get a nanny. You mention local family. What is your current relationship with them and to what extent do they want to be involved in your childcare plans?

I would strongly advise that you and your husband sit down and come up with some very specific answers to these questions before you pull the goalie.

Wow, thank you! These are amazing questions! To answer some that I know.

I will be a CRNA after school. I am not sure what hours I will have. I currently work 4 10 hour shifts, but CRNA will be different. I may have to work weekends or work crazy hours. I can't predict my schedule.

I would like to take 12 weeks. My DH can take up to 12 weeks, but will likely take 4-6 weeks. We plan to hire a nanny at some point. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws, and while they are willing to help, I do not want to take advantage of their generosity.

- That breastfeeding thread isn't me. I am not pregnant or a CRNA yet. We have a general idea of how we would like to raise our children, but we don't have anything set in stone. I think it wildly depends on the child's personality. I also do not have any idea whether I will be breastfeed or formula feed. I don't have a strong opinion either way.

- I hoped there will be shared responsibility, but both of us will be for doctors appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to diagnose that OP does not want to get pregnant at all and is feeling immense pressure from DH.

OP, someone asked you questions about your DH. Is he an involved guy? Will he be the default parent? (Though truth be told you have no way to know for sure until you see him in action.) Do you have plenty of money?

With the way you are feeling, the above questions are critical and it's difficult to give advice without it.

Op here. I definitely want kids. I've always wanted to be a mother. I answered in another post that my DH is involved, but works 50 hours a week. We can afford outside care, but I worry about leaving a young baby with a babysitter. I start my program fall 2018, so I will have a very young baby if I get pregnant now. My other thought was to get pregnant at 34 while in my second year, and deliver baby around graduation time. That will leave me with 1-2 years to build up my new career before trying for a second baby.

I am sorry if I come across as a know it all. I asked because I was hoping to get first hand accounts of personal situations where you guys had similar situations, and how it worked out. That's really my main question. If having a child while working and going to school is reasonable? I know the risks after 35, and was a little annoyed by the snarky " you should know because you're a nurse" comments. I am aware of the risks, but that's not my question. My question, to moms who have had children, is will it be easier to wait until after school to start a family. I am feeling pressured by my DH and family to have a baby now.

You can't only ask for positive anecdotes. That is not how the world works.

You also can't say "I'll just get pregnant at X date; and deliver around graduation." Maybe you will...but maybe you won't. You can't control it.

If you absolutely want to be a mom and want 2-3, I would not wait until 35 to start trying.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who works full time as a consultant and is in the process of completing a 2 year graduate program. She started the program in Fall 2016 when her first kid had just turned 1, had her second kid in March, and is juggling 2 kids, full time work, and school. She gets its done and still has time to spend with them on the weekends. She's a super woman!

They have an au pair, and her husband has an alternative work schedule (fed) so he's home every other Friday. She just got on a new project and is teleworking part time.

I don't know anything about nursing or nursing school, but if you have enough support, you can make anything work. Hire good help, use grandma and grandpa as much as they'll let you!

[Anonymous]

Can you do school and baby and drop the part time work?

I know many people who took years to get pregnant and/or had multiple miscarriages even at young ages and they had no known health issues. And I know many others who got pregnant easily. You don't really know which you'll be, so if being a parent is a must have then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying start now, I can't honestly imagine having a newborn in the middle of an intensive CRNA program. That sounds like a nightmare.

Would you considered postponing your CRNA if you got pregnant now or in a year?

I feel like that saying, "You can have it all, but not all at once" is appropriate here.

Op here. I am eager to get my career started. I do not want to postpone school. I would rather postpone having a baby.

That's fine. Is nursing a second career for you? Your response makes me wonder why you are eager now and not before now like it's almost a delaying tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are nowhere near ready to have a baby. I don't think you're even ready to TTC. You need to get on the same page about life priorities. Some things to think about:

What kind of job will you be seeking after you finish school? I don't know what CNRA hours are like. Is it shift work? Do you work days or nights? Do you work 3 12s or 4 10s or banker's hours?

When you have children, what kind of maternity leave do you want to take? 6-8 weeks at least is standard for medical reasons, 12 weeks is covered by FMLA at qualified employers. What kind of paternity leave will your DH take? Will he be the kind of dad who takes a couple days off and then is happy to go back to work or will he stay home with you and the baby for a month? What kind of parenting division of labor do you want? Assuming that the "Breastfeeding nursing moms" thread is also you, it sounds like you are prioritizing a parenting style that involves a super-baby who falls asleep on their own, never whines, and requires very little of you. Where is your husband in all of that? Will he take the baby to the doctor? Will he cover sick days? Will he do pick up and drop off at whatever childcare y'all agree on? And what about childcare? Will you find daycare? If so, your work hours are pretty important. I know of very few daycares that were able to accommodate my RN best friend's schedule and her husband wasn't reliably able to do either end, so they had to get a nanny. You mention local family. What is your current relationship with them and to what extent do they want to be involved in your childcare plans?

I would strongly advise that you and your husband sit down and come up with some very specific answers to these questions before you pull the goalie.

Wow, thank you! These are amazing questions! To answer some that I know.

I will be a CRNA after school. I am not sure what hours I will have. I currently work 4 10 hour shifts, but CRNA will be different. I may have to work weekends or work crazy hours. I can't predict my schedule.

I would like to take 12 weeks. My DH can take up to 12 weeks, but will likely take 4-6 weeks. We plan to hire a nanny at some point. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws, and while they are willing to help, I do not want to take advantage of their generosity.

- That breastfeeding thread isn't me. I am not pregnant or a CRNA yet. We have a general idea of how we would like to raise our children, but we don't have anything set in stone. I think it wildly depends on the child's personality. I also do not have any idea whether I will be breastfeed or formula feed. I don't have a strong opinion either way.

- I hoped there will be shared responsibility, but both of us will be for doctors appointments.

I'm the PP. I'm also the MSW student with the 4 month old baby who posted earlier about how it's hard.

It's hard even with a supportive spouse. It is hard for me to go to work and leave my baby with her caregivers. I trust them. I know them. I adore them. But it's still hard. It's hard for me to work 8-6 and then do school work when I get home, but that is what I do. I try to protect the weekends to the extent possible, but it's not always possible. I comfort myself by reminding myself that a) I'm very committed to my career and b) the stress is temporary. I really wish I'd been able to take more time off to spend with DD, though.

My point with the above list of questions is that when you are talking about having a baby, it's really important that you and your partner are on the same page with the logistical stuff, because if you are out of step there, the emotional stuff is a lot harder. My husband is my biggest cheerleader. He is the one bringing me a snack and a baby to kiss and snuggle for 5 minutes when I have to write for 5 hours. He is the one who is doing almost all of the baby doctor appointments. He is the one making sure that our older child does her homework and practices piano and bathes regularly. The reality of my professional situation right now is that I am not able to be as present for my family as I was before/will be in a year. If you think you and your husband can handle that, you need to have a very frank conversation. My husband was hypothetically on board with all of it, but when things really got going, I think he realized that he hadn't fully understood what I meant by "full time job, part time school, part time internship." He didn't realize that what that meant was that he *had* to be available to pick the kids up from their various situations and feed them because I wouldn't be. We don't have any local family or I would've relied on them. We have 2 friends on backup duty for both kids in case something goes wrong for him.

I don't mean to scare you. I just think that if you want to prioritize your career, you need to go kind of hard line with your husband. If he wants to have a baby now, that's fine. You can do it. But he will have to be 2x more present than he probably thinks he has to be.

[Anonymous]

if you only wanted one child it would be fine to wait. but having three small children while you work (assuming everything goes exactly as you plan it) is not going to be any easier than having one baby while in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to diagnose that OP does not want to get pregnant at all and is feeling immense pressure from DH.

OP, someone asked you questions about your DH. Is he an involved guy? Will he be the default parent? (Though truth be told you have no way to know for sure until you see him in action.) Do you have plenty of money?

With the way you are feeling, the above questions are critical and it's difficult to give advice without it.

Op here. I definitely want kids. I've always wanted to be a mother. I answered in another post that my DH is involved, but works 50 hours a week. We can afford outside care, but I worry about leaving a young baby with a babysitter. I start my program fall 2018, so I will have a very young baby if I get pregnant now. My other thought was to get pregnant at 34 while in my second year, and deliver baby around graduation time. That will leave me with 1-2 years to build up my new career before trying for a second baby.

I am sorry if I come across as a know it all. I asked because I was hoping to get first hand accounts of personal situations where you guys had similar situations, and how it worked out. That's really my main question. If having a child while working and going to school is reasonable? I know the risks after 35, and was a little annoyed by the snarky " you should know because you're a nurse" comments. I am aware of the risks, but that's not my question. My question, to moms who have had children, is will it be easier to wait until after school to start a family. I am feeling pressured by my DH and family to have a baby now.

I have a 7yo and a 4 month old. I work 30h/week at my paying job and am in a MSW program that has a 20h/week internship component. Internship started when baby was 2 months old. I was on maternity leave from my other job for another month after that but at internship 2 days a week. MSW program is online, which is the only way that it works.

It would be logistically easier for everyone if you were done with school when you had the baby. For you it would probably be physically easier if you were done with school before you got pregnant, particularly if you are working while in school. My situation has worked ONLY because my husband works a straight 40h/week office job where he is able to telework as needed. If he worked long hours (50+) or had to be on site all the time with a long commute, it would not work as I am currently working 5 10-hour days at 2 different jobs, one of them that is emotionally draining and pays nothing. I will also say that the difference for me between being pregnant at 28 and being pregnant at 35 was pretty severe. With my first baby, I was exhausted for the first trimester but otherwise felt like superwoman. With my second, I was nauseous for the first trimester and exhausted until she was born at almost 42 weeks. Do not underestimate your own capacity.

What you are describing is not impossible, and if it is all necessary, you will figure it out, but speaking as someone who just went through a similar process, I do not recommend it if you can figure out literally any other way.

Op here. Thank you for your personal story. Yours sounds similar to mine if I were to have a baby now or in a couple of months. I think a good compromise is trying to get pregnant in my second year at 34 instead of after school at 35.

[Anonymous]

If you want even the possibility of having 2-3 children start trying now, or at least soon. Regarding your husbands involvement, 50 hrs/week really isn't that hectic of a schedule and most people in the DMV don't even have family nearby to have the option of additional support even if it's not something you want to rely on. It sound like you're just looking for excuses to delay, which is fine if you're not ready, but be prepared to face the potential consequences of greater fertility challenges or a smaller family size down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you do school and baby and drop the part time work?

I know many people who took years to get pregnant and/or had multiple miscarriages even at young ages and they had no known health issues. And I know many others who got pregnant easily. You don't really know which you'll be, so if being a parent is a must have then go for it.

Op here. I could but I have working as an ICU nurse looks really good for my career as a CRNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying start now, I can't honestly imagine having a newborn in the middle of an intensive CRNA program. That sounds like a nightmare.

Would you considered postponing your CRNA if you got pregnant now or in a year?

I feel like that saying, "You can have it all, but not all at once" is appropriate here.

Op here. I am eager to get my career started. I do not want to postpone school. I would rather postpone having a baby.

That is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want even the possibility of having 2-3 children start trying now, or at least soon. Regarding your husbands involvement, 50 hrs/week really isn't that hectic of a schedule and most people in the DMV don't even have family nearby to have the option of additional support even if it's not something you want to rely on. It sound like you're just looking for excuses to delay, which is fine if you're not ready, but be prepared to face the potential consequences of greater fertility challenges or a smaller family size down the road.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying start now, I can't honestly imagine having a newborn in the middle of an intensive CRNA program. That sounds like a nightmare.

Would you considered postponing your CRNA if you got pregnant now or in a year?

I feel like that saying, "You can have it all, but not all at once" is appropriate here.

Op here. I am eager to get my career started. I do not want to postpone school. I would rather postpone having a baby.

That's fine. Is nursing a second career for you? Your response makes me wonder why you are eager now and not before now like it's almost a delaying tactic.

Op here. Yes. I was in a career field I hated. I went to school for nursing at 28, finished at 31, and now 33. Will do the program from 33-35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are nowhere near ready to have a baby. I don't think you're even ready to TTC. You need to get on the same page about life priorities. Some things to think about:

What kind of job will you be seeking after you finish school? I don't know what CNRA hours are like. Is it shift work? Do you work days or nights? Do you work 3 12s or 4 10s or banker's hours?

When you have children, what kind of maternity leave do you want to take? 6-8 weeks at least is standard for medical reasons, 12 weeks is covered by FMLA at qualified employers. What kind of paternity leave will your DH take? Will he be the kind of dad who takes a couple days off and then is happy to go back to work or will he stay home with you and the baby for a month? What kind of parenting division of labor do you want? Assuming that the "Breastfeeding nursing moms" thread is also you, it sounds like you are prioritizing a parenting style that involves a super-baby who falls asleep on their own, never whines, and requires very little of you. Where is your husband in all of that? Will he take the baby to the doctor? Will he cover sick days? Will he do pick up and drop off at whatever childcare y'all agree on? And what about childcare? Will you find daycare? If so, your work hours are pretty important. I know of very few daycares that were able to accommodate my RN best friend's schedule and her husband wasn't reliably able to do either end, so they had to get a nanny. You mention local family. What is your current relationship with them and to what extent do they want to be involved in your childcare plans?

I would strongly advise that you and your husband sit down and come up with some very specific answers to these questions before you pull the goalie.

Wow, thank you! These are amazing questions! To answer some that I know.

I will be a CRNA after school. I am not sure what hours I will have. I currently work 4 10 hour shifts, but CRNA will be different. I may have to work weekends or work crazy hours. I can't predict my schedule.

I would like to take 12 weeks. My DH can take up to 12 weeks, but will likely take 4-6 weeks. We plan to hire a nanny at some point. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws, and while they are willing to help, I do not want to take advantage of their generosity.

- That breastfeeding thread isn't me. I am not pregnant or a CRNA yet. We have a general idea of how we would like to raise our children, but we don't have anything set in stone. I think it wildly depends on the child's personality. I also do not have any idea whether I will be breastfeed or formula feed. I don't have a strong opinion either way.

- I hoped there will be shared responsibility, but both of us will be for doctors appointments.

I'm the PP. I'm also the MSW student with the 4 month old baby who posted earlier about how it's hard.

It's hard even with a supportive spouse. It is hard for me to go to work and leave my baby with her caregivers. I trust them. I know them. I adore them. But it's still hard. It's hard for me to work 8-6 and then do school work when I get home, but that is what I do. I try to protect the weekends to the extent possible, but it's not always possible. I comfort myself by reminding myself that a) I'm very committed to my career and b) the stress is temporary. I really wish I'd been able to take more time off to spend with DD, though.

My point with the above list of questions is that when you are talking about having a baby, it's really important that you and your partner are on the same page with the logistical stuff, because if you are out of step there, the emotional stuff is a lot harder. My husband is my biggest cheerleader. He is the one bringing me a snack and a baby to kiss and snuggle for 5 minutes when I have to write for 5 hours. He is the one who is doing almost all of the baby doctor appointments. He is the one making sure that our older child does her homework and practices piano and bathes regularly. The reality of my professional situation right now is that I am not able to be as present for my family as I was before/will be in a year. If you think you and your husband can handle that, you need to have a very frank conversation. My husband was hypothetically on board with all of it, but when things really got going, I think he realized that he hadn't fully understood what I meant by "full time job, part time school, part time internship." He didn't realize that what that meant was that he *had* to be available to pick the kids up from their various situations and feed them because I wouldn't be. We don't have any local family or I would've relied on them. We have 2 friends on backup duty for both kids in case something goes wrong for him.

I don't mean to scare you. I just think that if you want to prioritize your career, you need to go kind of hard line with your husband. If he wants to have a baby now, that's fine. You can do it. But he will have to be 2x more present than he probably thinks he has to be.

Op here. He is a supportive partner. He knows he will have to step up but I doubt he realizes how much work having a newborn will be. He is a lawyer and working his way to make partner. He can't just disconnect from work. I feel be doesn't understand that.

I was a nanny in my early 20's. While very different from being a parent, I saw a glimpse into parenthood. I was exhausted after a 10 hour work day dealing with catnaps, babies with acid reflux, babies who needed to be held to sleep, sleep regressions, sleep training, etc. I've had moms voice the tiredness they face of little sleep, some moms who nearly sacrificed their sanity to keep their supply up, their guilt of being gone for so long, etc. I don't think I am ready to experience that full-time first-hand as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying start now, I can't honestly imagine having a newborn in the middle of an intensive CRNA program. That sounds like a nightmare.

Would you considered postponing your CRNA if you got pregnant now or in a year?

I feel like that saying, "You can have it all, but not all at once" is appropriate here.

Op here. I am eager to get my career started. I do not want to postpone school. I would rather postpone having a baby.

That is dumb.

That is her choice. It doesn't matter if you think it's " dumb".