This "limerence" thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

Wow! I am literally experiencing the same thing with a former coworker but it's been 2 years and I'm female. Same "pattern" and I am extremely attracted to him. It's hard for me to get over that initial feeling from the beginning of our relationship. I always go back to that in my head. Trying the "no contact, but it's only been a few days. This post opened my eyes a lot. Thank you

PP here...Yes, that initial "connection" with a Narcissist is called the Idealization phase and it sets the hook deep inside you. As a normal, empathetic person, you keep thinking it can be sustained or reacquired if you work hard enough to recreate the circumstances. They love watching you work! Google is your friend here, but start with the web site called Esteemology. Great, informative blogs on these abusive/dysfunctional relationships and recovering from same. I've been No Contact for 4 weeks. After she suddenly flopped on me again, I sent her an email requesting that she avoid all future contact (so far, so good). That was a difficult email to send because of my addiction, but I felt like I had to burn that bridge to regain the sanity I lost over the last year, move forward, and focus on my home life. Yes, I'm losing a close "friend" that I loved spending time with, but also a tormentor. In response to previous questions, I admit I have some codependent tendencies and love the role of "rescuer" in relationships. One of the blogs stated: Success + Codependent + Narcissist = Disaster. We have this exact dynamic going on. And yes, I'm conscious of DW's 6th sense about the wellbeing of my psyche. Out of fear and guilt, I never mention beautiful CW's name, which is telling in itself. All the more reason for No Contact, lest innocent people get hurt. It's a beautiful looking piece of cake, but it's got sawdust for flour and dog poop for icing. Don't eat it!

PP 10:31 here, I was going to come back and ask you for a recomendation for a website. I will check it out. I know I am addicted to that feeling. We sometimes go 2 weeks without contact (because HE didn't respond to me) and just when I stop thinking about him or waiting for the contact, he texts or calls and I get sucked right back in, hard. Its all on his terms. Funny, I think he looks at me like I need to be "rescued" and I did when it started and have played into it creating this codependence. The craziest thing is he called me the other night and I had left my phone in my car. Didn't realize until very late and saw it was him. Somehow I managed to not listen to the message until this morning. I have been sick over whether I should respond etc and wished I had someone to talk about this with because no one in my life knows about him. And here you are. Thank you so much. I wish you the best. Stay strong, you have identified the problem, and its a big problem, you are doing well. Dont eat the cake!!!

[Anonymous]

As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

[Crackers]

PP from 7:42 yesterday. I'll be glad to offer advice/support if you want to PM me or just vent to/commiserate with an understanding, non-judging soul. I actually tried a few therapy sessions on the sly from both CW and DW to figure things out. I was that messed up. Best of luck and take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

Just curious. Are you a man or woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

This is no different than going through a break-up in a relationship. The more significant the feelings (call it crush, limerance, love, whatever), the greater the heartache. If you're the one doing the break-up, there's a little more control over the situation, but empathy for the jilted (if you still care for them and their feelings). If you're the one being told the relationship is over, there's the usual feelings of rejection. I'm in my 50's and it sucks like I'm still 17. Totally human, or arrested development? My painful reality, either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

Are you me? I could have written your question.

I'm tired of hearing how "hard" it is for you to give up your crush. How it "hurts" like a breakup. What about your spouse? You think it doesn't hurt them to know their husband or wife has feelings for another, acted on or not? FFS, how selfish can you be?

I loathe cheating, and still never would. BUT I totally understand the "revenge cheaters" - the point is not to make yourself feel better, but to show your selfish spouse how badly it hurts because otherwise, they're too busy feeling sorry for themselves they had to give up their AP/crush/whatever.

[Anonymous]

To those who are focusing on their crush, and are filled with painful feelings about giving them up, this is more about you than that random person you've focused your crush on. You need to look inside yourself to your traumas, disappointments, grief, loneliness, fears, hopes, and longings, and feel those emotions without associating them to the crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

It hurts because I want to remain friends with someone who, because of the affectionate feelings one or both parties feel toward each other, I really have to cut out of my life and I can't even tell them why. I can't speak for your husband but can swear to you that my crush/limerence hit me like a truck I did not see coming and I wasn't expecting. I love my spouse and hate that my heart has deviated this way. I don't want to be melodramatic but I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, feel like my work is suffering, and have lost several pounds in a few weeks. I know how deranged this sounds but I'm about as cynical and unromantic a person you'd ever meet. I'll take the blame for letting co-worker into my life but I didn't see this coming. Maybe your husband didn't either but obviously I'm not aware of the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

It hurts because I want to remain friends with someone who, because of the affectionate feelings one or both parties feel toward each other, I really have to cut out of my life and I can't even tell them why. I can't speak for your husband but can swear to you that my crush/limerence hit me like a truck I did not see coming and I wasn't expecting. I love my spouse and hate that my heart has deviated this way. I don't want to be melodramatic but I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, feel like my work is suffering, and have lost several pounds in a few weeks. I know how deranged this sounds but I'm about as cynical and unromantic a person you'd ever meet. I'll take the blame for letting co-worker into my life but I didn't see this coming. Maybe your husband didn't either but obviously I'm not aware of the circumstances.

Thanks for sharing. I guess what I don't understand is the sense of pain and drama over an unrequited crush, when you have a loving spouse who is really there for you (and who could really be hurt by even knowing that you feel this way.) I guess it must be hard to get that perspective when you are in the middle of this. In my husband's case, I think he just liked the ego boost he got from her attention and it was hard to let that go. If I could offer advice, focus on what really matters in your life and don't take your spouse for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks for sharing. I guess what I don't understand is the sense of pain and drama over an unrequited crush, when you have a loving spouse who is really there for you (and who could really be hurt by even knowing that you feel this way.) I guess it must be hard to get that perspective when you are in the middle of this. In my husband's case, I think he just liked the ego boost he got from her attention and it was hard to let that go. If I could offer advice, focus on what really matters in your life and don't take your spouse for granted.

Your advice is appreciated and what makes me even sadder because I'm trying hard to honor my permanent love (my spouse) while ending a neuro-chemical haze that stems from a friendship that got distorted. It's likely my spouse will be devastated and I don't know how to handle that just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

It hurts because I want to remain friends with someone who, because of the affectionate feelings one or both parties feel toward each other, I really have to cut out of my life and I can't even tell them why. I can't speak for your husband but can swear to you that my crush/limerence hit me like a truck I did not see coming and I wasn't expecting. I love my spouse and hate that my heart has deviated this way. I don't want to be melodramatic but I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, feel like my work is suffering, and have lost several pounds in a few weeks. I know how deranged this sounds but I'm about as cynical and unromantic a person you'd ever meet. I'll take the blame for letting co-worker into my life but I didn't see this coming. Maybe your husband didn't either but obviously I'm not aware of the circumstances.

Thanks for sharing. I guess what I don't understand is the sense of pain and drama over an unrequited crush, when you have a loving spouse who is really there for you (and who could really be hurt by even knowing that you feel this way.) I guess it must be hard to get that perspective when you are in the middle of this. In my husband's case, I think he just liked the ego boost he got from her attention and it was hard to let that go.[i] If I could offer advice, focus on what really matters in your life and don't take your spouse for granted.

This. The ego boosts are addicting.

[Anonymous]

I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you're like me PP. Fell hard out of nowhere and I don't fall easily. Tried to keep distance. It was reciprocal, but I'm sure he never knew how hard I fell. Distance.

And he's kind of an ass which helped. I'd get butterflies every time I saw him across a room even if we didn't speak. Just maintain distance. Time heals all wounds. This too shall pass.

One day, you'll meet and you'll realize you're over the fantasy you built in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

Mraa. No advice, but as someone who is 6ish years out I'm a little discouraged to hear this anecdote! Haha...do you find it continues to lessen with time or has it stayed pretty constant? Can you share anything more about the circumstances (what happened between you, are you still in contact, etc)?