This "limerence" thing

[Anonymous]

Another thread mentions "limerence". I had never heard of it.

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

If your spouse was limerence-ing on another person (persistently, obsessively fantasizing) would you consider that an emotional affair? Grounds for divorce?

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't divorce unless there was more going on.

[Anonymous]

Well, limerance is one-sided, unrequited love or attraction. So it's whether you could deal with your spouse crushing hard on somebody else.

[Anonymous]

It just means having a crush on someone or being "madly in love." For some reason people think giving it a fancy name is meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn't divorce unless there was more going on.

Them putting all their attention and energy onto another person is enough, even if nothing else is going on and the object of the attention isn't even aware of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, limerance is one-sided, unrequited love or attraction. So it's whether you could deal with your spouse crushing hard on somebody else.

This is not true. It can be mutual. I've had this extremely strongly, and the other also had it pretty bad. Limerance is just the chemical overwhelming love and attraction you feel for somebody. The "in love" feeling. The butterflies. The unable to sleep, eat, work. This is sometimes the start of falling in love for real (but not always).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thread mentions "limerence". I had never heard of it.

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

If your spouse was limerence-ing on another person (persistently, obsessively fantasizing) would you consider that an emotional affair? Grounds for divorce?

Nope, not unless they were also trying to spend time with them or otherwise turn the fantasy into reality. I mean, this is the basis of almost all celebrity, right? The ability to inspire this reaction in a broad swath of the population?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thread mentions "limerence". I had never heard of it.

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

If your spouse was limerence-ing on another person (persistently, obsessively fantasizing) would you consider that an emotional affair? Grounds for divorce?

Nope, not unless they were also trying to spend time with them or otherwise turn the fantasy into reality. I mean, this is the basis of almost all celebrity, right? The ability to inspire this reaction in a broad swath of the population?

That's a crush. It may be limerence, but I don't think it is the same -- do many people really get obsessive thoughts and fantasies about celebrities?? I have felt limerence and it is so much more than a simple crush. A crush can turn into limerence, or also be limerence, but I don't think it has to be one sided.

[Anonymous]

I would not stay with someone who is obsessively fantasizing about someone else. It's unhealthy and damaging.

[Anonymous]

The "feelings" wouldn't be an actionable problem--but behavior and actions, yes.

Can't help if you fall for someone else, even temporarily. What you DO about it is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thread mentions "limerence". I had never heard of it.

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

If your spouse was limerence-ing on another person (persistently, obsessively fantasizing) would you consider that an emotional affair? Grounds for divorce?

Nope, not unless they were also trying to spend time with them or otherwise turn the fantasy into reality. I mean, this is the basis of almost all celebrity, right? The ability to inspire this reaction in a broad swath of the population?

That's a crush. It may be limerence, but I don't think it is the same -- do many people really get obsessive thoughts and fantasies about celebrities?? I have felt limerence and it is so much more than a simple crush. A crush can turn into limerence, or also be limerence, but I don't think it has to be one sided.

Literally the definition of limerence quoted above is a crush. The exact definition. If you're saying that it's more than that, be more precise.

Of course people fantasize about celebrities. Fanfic exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thread mentions "limerence". I had never heard of it.

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

If your spouse was limerence-ing on another person (persistently, obsessively fantasizing) would you consider that an emotional affair? Grounds for divorce?

Limerence? Didn't know that term existed for what it describes but I must say that Limerence is a wonderful and fun time.

As to your question. I expect my spouse to find another attractive, and even have some physical desire for them, from time to time since it's fairly common. Would I consider it an emotional affair? If it contained the right elements I would. Could even consider it an unrequited affair.

Grounds for divorce? For several reasons I would not. For one thing I have been around the block a time or a thousand so I know that what is described as Limerence isn't a permanent state.

[Anonymous]

You should be able to ride it out, if your partner and relationship are worth saving and you think your partner has a strong love and commitment to you and is the type to come to his/her senses. It will be a long, miserable ride for you.

These feelings are a natural part of being human animals, drugging us into a state that encourages pair bonding.

We become especially vulnerable to this when we're bored, lonely, afraid, stressed, dissatisfied with ourselves or our lives, and at certain phases of life.

It's why we put restrictions on our interactions with certain others when we're trying to maintain a stable long-term relationship like marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it is the obsessive part that makes this different than a passing crush. And yes, this can put a real strain on a relationship, if it becomes a major distraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "feelings" wouldn't be an actionable problem--but behavior and actions, yes.

Can't help if you fall for someone else, even temporarily. What you DO about it is what matters.

What if they're not doing anything with the object of the limerence -- not physical, not communicating -- but at the same time their obsession with the limerence-object means they are completely emotionally and physically withdrawn from you? They're not "doing anything" with their crush but they're not trying to break out of it either. That sounds like an actionable problem to me.