This "limerence" thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

That might be best described as an obsession or some other psych issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

That might be best described as an obsession or some other psych issues.

I am psychologically healthy and well adjusted. I have a happy marriage, I love and take care of my family and I am content. The issue is that this limerance or whatever it is has lasted for a couple of years -long after I removed myself from seeing him. I would never pursue, stalk or obsess about him. I am not pining for him. I feel a deep sense of warmth, connection and euphoria when I think of him. I have never experienced anything like this before or since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

Yes, it has gone on without contact. I have never experienced anything like this before. I felt drawn to him at first sight. I could've run to him and held him close. I know he felt something for me, too. There were times when we almost grabbed each other -like out of nowhere. We are both married and we never discussed the attraction. It was so uncomfortable to be around him that I changed my situation so I wouldn't see him again.

I have never cheated. I channeled the energy into my marriage.

How could you know if you never discussed it?

Frankly, at least you didn't bring it out into the open. The prior post about the partner having an EA, admitting the attraction but swearing to be careful? That is the more dangerous situation.

[Anonymous]

I've experienced limerence that I think was reciprocated but we weren't available so never talked about it. Given the circumstances it was stressful and upsetting and shocking, not "lovely." And it took forever to get over it. Not really over it even now, years later. But sufficiently less obsessive that I'm "functional."

[Anonymous]

I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop referring to it as a crush. It's not that, it's desperate and obsessive.

It isn't. It is chemical. And it is lovely.

That doesn't sound lovely. You sound crazy.

NP. You haven't experienced it. Imagine having a hot drink on a cold day in your pjs, on the couch, paid day off, your loyal pet by your side, full dvr, nowhere to go, you're at a perfect weight, in great health, etc and so on. I feel that way just thinking of him.

Its like the afterglow of good sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

This is great insight. I hope people give it some thought. I think people raised by someone with narcissistic tendencies are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Don't sugarcoat it as being a "romantic" who idealizes the unobtainable, when it's actually a sign that you are damaged and need to work (with therapy or on your own) to get more emotionally healthy, so that instead of drawing you, this dynamic repulses you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

Yes, it has gone on without contact. I have never experienced anything like this before. I felt drawn to him at first sight. I could've run to him and held him close. I know he felt something for me, too. There were times when we almost grabbed each other -like out of nowhere. We are both married and we never discussed the attraction. It was so uncomfortable to be around him that I changed my situation so I wouldn't see him again.

I have never cheated. I channeled the energy into my marriage.

How could you know if you never discussed it?

Frankly, at least you didn't bring it out into the open. The prior post about the partner having an EA, admitting the attraction but swearing to be careful? That is the more dangerous situation.

I could tell by how he looked at me. Also, he often ended up physically near me. A couple of times, we both out of nowhere started to reach for each other in a "familiar" way. We both dropped our hands or turned away. It was REALLY weird and uncomfortable. I would never be unfaithful and I'm sure he'd never be, either. That is why there were no discussions. I removed myself permanantly from the situation because the draw was strong and it was for sure mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

How long have you been in no contact mode? Isn't this co-worker now love-bombing you again since you're no longer paying attention? And how hard is that for you to resist?

Oh and do you think your wife suspects?

[Anonymous]

How would you even know if your spouse was doing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

Wow! I am literally experiencing the same thing with a former coworker but it's been 2 years and I'm female. Same "pattern" and I am extremely attracted to him. It's hard for me to get over that initial feeling from the beginning of our relationship. I always go back to that in my head. Trying the "no contact, but it's only been a few days. This post opened my eyes a lot. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

That might be best described as an obsession or some other psych issues.

I am psychologically healthy and well adjusted. I have a happy marriage, I love and take care of my family and I am content. The issue is that this limerance or whatever it is has lasted for a couple of years -long after I removed myself from seeing him. I would never pursue, stalk or obsess about him. I am not pining for him. I feel a deep sense of warmth, connection and euphoria when I think of him. I have never experienced anything like this before or since.

So wait, do you want it to go away or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

Wow! I am literally experiencing the same thing with a former coworker but it's been 2 years and I'm female. Same "pattern" and I am extremely attracted to him. It's hard for me to get over that initial feeling from the beginning of our relationship. I always go back to that in my head. Trying the "no contact, but it's only been a few days. This post opened my eyes a lot. Thank you

PP here...Yes, that initial "connection" with a Narcissist is called the Idealization phase and it sets the hook deep inside you. As a normal, empathetic person, you keep thinking it can be sustained or reacquired if you work hard enough to recreate the circumstances. They love watching you work! Google is your friend here, but start with the web site called Esteemology. Great, informative blogs on these abusive/dysfunctional relationships and recovering from same. I've been No Contact for 4 weeks. After she suddenly flopped on me again, I sent her an email requesting that she avoid all future contact (so far, so good). That was a difficult email to send because of my addiction, but I felt like I had to burn that bridge to regain the sanity I lost over the last year, move forward, and focus on my home life. Yes, I'm losing a close "friend" that I loved spending time with, but also a tormentor. In response to previous questions, I admit I have some codependent tendencies and love the role of "rescuer" in relationships. One of the blogs stated: Success + Codependent + Narcissist = Disaster. We have this exact dynamic going on. And yes, I'm conscious of DW's 6th sense about the wellbeing of my psyche. Out of fear and guilt, I never mention beautiful CW's name, which is telling in itself. All the more reason for No Contact, lest innocent people get hurt. It's a beautiful looking piece of cake, but it's got sawdust for flour and dog poop for icing. Don't eat it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you even know if your spouse was doing this?

A spouse obsessed with another could seem "off". Seem more distant. Less affectionate. Moody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PPs: so these crushes then have lasted for years even without contact with the other person?

If married, how in the world do you deal with your spouse m, daily, in the real world?

That might be best described as an obsession or some other psych issues.

I am psychologically healthy and well adjusted. I have a happy marriage, I love and take care of my family and I am content. The issue is that this limerance or whatever it is has lasted for a couple of years -long after I removed myself from seeing him. I would never pursue, stalk or obsess about him. I am not pining for him. I feel a deep sense of warmth, connection and euphoria when I think of him. I have never experienced anything like this before or since.

So wait, do you want it to go away or no?

I want it to go away.