This "limerence" thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

3 years of distance and it hasn't lessened. I don't intentionally think of him, he's just never left my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

Discovered DW is feeling this and is trying to act on it, but the object of her infatuation is actually being an adult about it. I found out several weeks ago and confronted her about it but she denied (I've seen texts, she was lying to me). Devastated as well, at first. Then pissed. Now I've accepted it - but looking for my own limerence. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

Discovered DW is feeling this and is trying to act on it, but the object of her infatuation is actually being an adult about it. I found out several weeks ago and confronted her about it but she denied (I've seen texts, she was lying to me). Devastated as well, at first. Then pissed. Now I've accepted it - but looking for my own limerence. Not good.

What did her limerent object say to her and is she ignoring his rebuff? Sorry about your situation btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

Discovered DW is feeling this and is trying to act on it, but the object of her infatuation is actually being an adult about it. I found out several weeks ago and confronted her about it but she denied (I've seen texts, she was lying to me). Devastated as well, at first. Then pissed. Now I've accepted it - but looking for my own limerence. Not good.

You don't find limerence. It hits you hard from nowhere. At least that's what happened to me. I certainly wasn't looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

Mraa. No advice, but as someone who is 6ish years out I'm a little discouraged to hear this anecdote! Haha...do you find it continues to lessen with time or has it stayed pretty constant? Can you share anything more about the circumstances (what happened between you, are you still in contact, etc)?

00:20, so are you saying that you still feel limerence six years later? Have you had contact with the person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

Discovered DW is feeling this and is trying to act on it, but the object of her infatuation is actually being an adult about it. I found out several weeks ago and confronted her about it but she denied (I've seen texts, she was lying to me). Devastated as well, at first. Then pissed. Now I've accepted it - but looking for my own limerence. Not good.

You don't find limerence. It hits you hard from nowhere. At least that's what happened to me. I certainly wasn't looking for it.

I agree. It seems like a disease but I know that might seem crazy to some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

Mraa. No advice, but as someone who is 6ish years out I'm a little discouraged to hear this anecdote! Haha...do you find it continues to lessen with time or has it stayed pretty constant? Can you share anything more about the circumstances (what happened between you, are you still in contact, etc)?

00:20, so are you saying that you still feel limerence six years later? Have you had contact with the person?

Yeah...or at least to some extent. First, no we aren't in contact. 6 years ago is the last time I saw him, and we have had two (very brief - like "I was in ___ city, made me think of you, I miss you, hope you are well.) text exchanges in the entire time since then. I don't even really know where he lives or what he's up to these days.

And it's definitely not at the level that it was initially...it's continues to fade with time. But honestly by that I more mean that I now go a lot longer in between those annoying instances where I suddenly spend 2-3 days thinking about him obsessively. I will sometimes go for months without giving it anything more than a brief passing though, but then bam it hits me...and I will dream (very vividly and intensely) about him several nights in a row and get in a crazy spiral obsessive funk and have to fight myself very hard not to reach out (even though by now I know I won't). It used to be in my mind almost constantly, so that's an improvement. But...yeah, the feelings are pretty much just as strong

[Anonymous]

Limerance is tricky. I was caught off guard as I'm not a feeler. It was BAM one day. I enacted a wide battlefield around my heart and let him in on occasion, then pushed him out.

I'm pretty good at sabotaging passionate relationships, so it was easy.

In the end, it's just a fantasy born of boredom. But he still invades my dreams, it's been years. The what-if... but that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster who revived this thread this week. I did try all the things people suggest - time, no contact, think rationally about how you have built up this fantasy and what purpose it serves, etc. I was okay initially because very wrapped up in life transitions of my own. But it definitely reignited years after one time to reconnect. I think there is a chemical imbalance involved. It is very distressing.

I don't know what a spouse should do if they realized this happened to their husband/wife. It involves all-consuming longing to be with someone else. In many ways that is worse than an emotional affair situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who revived this thread this week. I did try all the things people suggest - time, no contact, think rationally about how you have built up this fantasy and what purpose it serves, etc. I was okay initially because very wrapped up in life transitions of my own. But it definitely reignited years after one time to reconnect. I think there is a chemical imbalance involved. It is very distressing.

I don't know what a spouse should do if they realized this happened to their husband/wife. It involves all-consuming longing to be with someone else. In many ways that is worse than an emotional affair situation.

PP I agree it's totally distressing. It's wild how intense and relentless it can be; you start to feel like you're not even sane. I think no contact absolutely needs to continue; don't fool yourself into thinking that any good could come of 'being friends' (...even just having the possibility of hearing from him/her on a day to day basis in the back of your mind will quickly have you in a very bad place, mentally).

So, I'll give you some additional things to try (one of which will likely make some people roll their eyes, I know I know). First, I think you should try writing. A lot of times with this kind of stuff, you end up trying to stuff the feelings down or strongarm your mind away from them rather than acknowledge them; in doing so you unwittingly give them a certain power, and obviously that's not worked so far. So try writing about it - you could write a (never to be sent) letter to the person if you want, or just write a narrative about your feelings on it. Pretty much start writing and let whatever comes out come out, without judgment or reflection. (Then destroy it, obviously.) Do that several times and see if you start to feel a little better...sometimes it really helps. Think of it as getting the poison out / taking the power away from those feelings.

The other thing I'll throw out, and it's certainly not for everyone (nor is it a guarantee, obv), but since you're asking: look into seeing a qualified bodyworker and the idea of cord cutting. The basic idea is that there is a "cord" or attachment tying you to them, and it can be released. I know that sounds a little woo, but it's certainly not a stretch to say that emotional wounds and traumatic experiences can manifest as actual physical ailments in the body, and to me it's a similar idea. Memories and experiences are stored within the body. Anyways, this issue in particular was not the reason I initially sought out this woman (TMJ and related pain was), but long story short I ended up going to her for awhile and did some pretty deep work and during one session we discussed the guy from my past and she worked to release the attachment. The next 4 nights I had SUPER intense dreams starring him, and then it stopped. It's not that I never think of him anymore, I definitely do. But it's different...it's much less extreme and I feel much more SANE about the whole thing, if that makes sense. There is more of a sense of acceptance for me, and the wild spiraling ruminations have stopped entirely (huge relief). ...in the event that totally weirded you out, at least try the writing! Good luck

[Anonymous]

Thank you those are interesting. I do keep a journal but haven't really written about this. It's not so much I am reminiscing about prior times since we were never together socially. I do Google etc, which is what I still find distressing. It's compulsive behavior. I did start taking medication that helped a little. It is very distressing and I have a lot of responsibilities that should be taking up 100% of my mental energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Discovered my spouse is feeling this for someone else, and acting on it. Devastating.

Discovered DW is feeling this and is trying to act on it, but the object of her infatuation is actually being an adult about it. I found out several weeks ago and confronted her about it but she denied (I've seen texts, she was lying to me). Devastated as well, at first. Then pissed. Now I've accepted it - but looking for my own limerence. Not good.

What did her limerent object say to her and is she ignoring his rebuff? Sorry about your situation btw.

Interested as well as to how your wife tried to act on it. Was it as blunt as "I want to sleep with you"? And did this guy just shoot her down?

Also have to echo a prior poster: you may say you are looking for your own limerance? If you're being honest, are you really just looking for an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you those are interesting. I do keep a journal but haven't really written about this. It's not so much I am reminiscing about prior times since we were never together socially. I do Google etc, which is what I still find distressing. It's compulsive behavior. I did start taking medication that helped a little. It is very distressing and I have a lot of responsibilities that should be taking up 100% of my mental energy.

What medication helped and how long did it take to kick in? Do you find you think less about your infatuation?

[Anonymous]

Mine was different because I needed something that would be helpful for another condition, but for this kind of thing many use Lexapro.