DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of this can be addressed if you are direct with MIL at the time it happens. Not in a mean or disrespectful way, but with logic. I think another pp had some good suggestions.
MIL: you can go get ready for work.
You: I want to play with DD some more, I'll let you know when I'm leaving.

MIL: Why are you vacuuming...
You: I needed to. or "I wanted to" would be better because she can't argue that carpet doesn't need vacuuming.

Where she argues with you in front of DD when you're telling DD to do something (or not do something) I suggest you ask her to go into another room with you (out of DD's earshot) and explain that she is undermining your parenting and confuses DD. Keep doing that every time she does it.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I also think that if you involve her more in some of DD's upbringing/decisions, she'll probably insert herself less. There's this thing inside us that if whatever our feeling is isn't being met, we push harder and harder to have it met. So, if your mil needs to feel useful and needed, the more you push her away (either consciously or unconsciously) the more she'll butt in and do this kind of stuff.

Maybe start asking her to help with stuff that isn't a big deal for you. Things like, "MIL, can you keep an eye on DD's formula (or whatever) and let me know when we get low? It'll really help me out" or "MIL, DD needs a new bathing suit, do you want to go online and help me find a cute one?" Or even getting her opinion on what to get "which stroller do you think is best?"

I honestly think if you give her some specific DD-related tasks, she'll feel wanted, useful and needed and may back off some of the other more petty issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

Op you need to put your foot down. Mil can pout all she wants. You are the parent, you set the schedule and appropriate behavior and if mil can't/won't maintain it then kid goes to daycare 5 days and can hang with grandma on the weekend in small doses. You need to grow a pair and stand up to mil soon before baby #2 comes and things get even more hectic, I.e: you will have less time to discipline and bond with dd, etc, and she will act up MORE as she will be craving parenting boundaries and resent losing you even more. Your mil is an adult, and her feelings are less important than your parenting bond with your kids. If MIL can't get over that then that's her problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

I'm normally all for letting spouses handle their respective parents, but I think the dynamics shift when you're all living together. You've got to be more vocal about your values, in a way that doesn't denigrate hers but helps her to understand where you're coming from. She's sulking because you don't communicate. I'd choose your battles. Tell her you really want to focus on getting DD to play gently before the baby comes. Its tiresome because you haven't actually directly addressed it.

My husband is way more adamant about sugar levels than my mom or I. He had to tell my mom he doesn't like my son to have that much sugar and he prefer is the chocolate milk at least gets mixed with regular milk and no cookies until dessert time. Set reasonable limits and expectations and have confidence your MIL will roll with it. Don't hold it all in, but don't expect to be fully "my way or the highway" either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

Op you need to put your foot down. Mil can pout all she wants. You are the parent, you set the schedule and appropriate behavior and if mil can't/won't maintain it then kid goes to daycare 5 days and can hang with grandma on the weekend in small doses. You need to grow a pair and stand up to mil soon before baby #2 comes and things get even more hectic, I.e: you will have less time to discipline and bond with dd, etc, and she will act up MORE as she will be craving parenting boundaries and resent losing you even more. Your mil is an adult, and her feelings are less important than your parenting bond with your kids. If MIL can't get over that then that's her problem.

so how is your relationship with your inlaws going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a lot of this can be addressed if you are direct with MIL at the time it happens. Not in a mean or disrespectful way, but with logic. I think another pp had some good suggestions.
MIL: you can go get ready for work.
You: I want to play with DD some more, I'll let you know when I'm leaving.

MIL: Why are you vacuuming...
You: I needed to. or "I wanted to" would be better because she can't argue that carpet doesn't need vacuuming.

Where she argues with you in front of DD when you're telling DD to do something (or not do something) I suggest you ask her to go into another room with you (out of DD's earshot) and explain that she is undermining your parenting and confuses DD. Keep doing that every time she does it.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I also think that if you involve her more in some of DD's upbringing/decisions, she'll probably insert herself less. There's this thing inside us that if whatever our feeling is isn't being met, we push harder and harder to have it met. So, if your mil needs to feel useful and needed, the more you push her away (either consciously or unconsciously) the more she'll butt in and do this kind of stuff.

Maybe start asking her to help with stuff that isn't a big deal for you. Things like, "MIL, can you keep an eye on DD's formula (or whatever) and let me know when we get low? It'll really help me out" or "MIL, DD needs a new bathing suit, do you want to go online and help me find a cute one?" Or even getting her opinion on what to get "which stroller do you think is best?"

I honestly think if you give her some specific DD-related tasks, she'll feel wanted, useful and needed and may back off some of the other more petty issues.

I mean, she could have asked about the vacuuming because she was concerned the kid was sick or there was some kind of mess she had overlooked. Again, not everything is some kind of referendum on you and most inquiries don't require defensiveness. Yes it is annoying to have other people observe your behaviors, but this is what happens when adults live together. Breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

What culture is she from? We need some context to figure out her behavior and how to address it in a culturally sensitive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

What culture is she from? We need some context to figure out her behavior and how to address it in a culturally sensitive manner.

A culture that expects more kindness and forgiveness than ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the PP that lives my mom. To the third parent thing - I think this the crux of the issue and where some true self-reflection and mindfulness can go a long way. Words like "parenting" are so fraught in our culture. "Parenting" is a competitive sport and everyone is judging how everyone else is doing it at all times. Society and culture aren't helping us out much as mothers, and on top of that you have a unique family arrangement which makes it even harder. Go easy on yourself.

Now, your MIL is not a third "parent" in the way that you probably interpreted my meaning, as she absolutely does not get an equal say of you and your husband about what is right for your daughter. That being said, from your daughters perspective, there are three adults in her family caring for her. If there is disharmony between these three, I think it can be upsetting to her in the same way it could be upsetting if there were disagreements between two parents, so thats what I meant by "three parents" Your MIL role is not to listen to you and raise your daughter the way you would raise her. Your MIL role is to love and care for your daughter and her family, and because she lives with you, I think she does deserve and little leeway and respect to make some minor decisions regarding her opinion and your daughters care.

Now, there are some red lines to draw, for sure. For today's example, which I agree would totally infuriate me, your daughters whereabouts must be known to you at all times. That is non-negotiable. Also, there can be some food and sleep non-negotiables that you clearly state. Also, if you provide you clear reasons behind these rules, hopefully your MIL will get on board, even if she disagrees. Beyond these red lines, you have to let go of the little stuff. If you make mountains out of molehills, your MIL will actually not know what is a priority to you and you will continue to bash heads because shes casting you as someone who gets mad about everything.

Think of the end-game here. You want your daughter looking up to you in the future because you are gracious and kind and patient. Because you prioritized family care and made the best of a not-great situation.

Re-reading some of these as I tell DH how I think he should address this situation tonight. This is a great post, thanks PP. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you pregnant? I despised my MIL when I was pregnant, and found her very intrusive. It's better now. (Mine doesn't live in but we have the same childcare situation where she gets huffy if I send DD to preschool all 5 days. We see her a lot.)

She lives there too: she is not an employee, and not really a guest. Unless the MIL suite is actually an apartment, I don't think you can tell her to stay out of the main house. You can set other boundaries, tell her not to undermine you, etc. Try to treat her like a roommate or like your DH -- if he was undermining you, you would say something, but you wouldn't throw him out.

Ha, yes. To me things have gotten noticeably worse in the past couple months. This is why I'm questioning my sanity and whether my complaints are legit!

Thanks PPs for the great responses, a lot of great points. YES MIL definitely needs some kind of hobbies, she has no life besides work and church. She definitely loves feeling needed and wanted, it's been decades since she last felt that and I swear she is drunk off it. I am definitely not rewarding her behavior with a free spa day, I am way too out of patience and empathy for that right now.

To the PP who pointed out you don't "win" by banning Mickey -- you are right. I am constantly questioning why I feel like it's a competition for my daughter's affections sometimes. I think some of it is my irritability, and some of it is her vying for attention and feeling entitled to access. I don't think her role is to be a third parent though, that's what we need to address with her. But I do need to remember I will always be the mom, that's a good point.

I need to start being more forward with her (the post with the curt responses was gold!). Sometimes I want to avoid confrontation and be respectful (she is from a different culture and elder respect is a big deal for her. This is why if I turned it around and said "how would you feel" -- because we have -- she would claim she'd welcome it because she would want the extra help and respects her elders. But she never had her mother or MIL live with her so that's BS). Sometimes I'm so furious I just exit the situation before I explode and say something that can't be taken back. Ironically (or not), that actually happened this morning after my OP. She took DD out without saying anything or taking her phone before I left for work, so not only could I not say goodbye to my kid, I couldn't get hold of her either. She also did not even apologize when they came back and I explained through gritted teeth that she cannot do that. I was so livid...called DH as soon as I got in the car and told him there needs to be a thorough discussion of boundaries TODAY, it's time for DD to go to daycare full time, and I am at my absolute limit. So fingers crossed something changes soon. Or else we'll need to talk about alternate living arrangements. This thread is solidifying that I can't keep living this way.

I'm the PP that lives my mom. To the third parent thing - I think this the crux of the issue and where some true self-reflection and mindfulness can go a long way. Words like "parenting" are so fraught in our culture. "Parenting" is a competitive sport and everyone is judging how everyone else is doing it at all times. Society and culture aren't helping us out much as mothers, and on top of that you have a unique family arrangement which makes it even harder. Go easy on yourself.

Now, your MIL is not a third "parent" in the way that you probably interpreted my meaning, as she absolutely does not get an equal say of you and your husband about what is right for your daughter. That being said, from your daughters perspective, there are three adults in her family caring for her. If there is disharmony between these three, I think it can be upsetting to her in the same way it could be upsetting if there were disagreements between two parents, so thats what I meant by "three parents" Your MIL role is not to listen to you and raise your daughter the way you would raise her. Your MIL role is to love and care for your daughter and her family, and because she lives with you, I think she does deserve and little leeway and respect to make some minor decisions regarding her opinion and your daughters care.

Now, there are some red lines to draw, for sure. For today's example, which I agree would totally infuriate me, your daughters whereabouts must be known to you at all times. That is non-negotiable. Also, there can be some food and sleep non-negotiables that you clearly state. Also, if you provide you clear reasons behind these rules, hopefully your MIL will get on board, even if she disagrees. Beyond these red lines, you have to let go of the little stuff. If you make mountains out of molehills, your MIL will actually not know what is a priority to you and you will continue to bash heads because shes casting you as someone who gets mad about everything.

Think of the end-game here. You want your daughter looking up to you in the future because you are gracious and kind and patient. Because you prioritized family care and made the best of a not-great situation.

You also don't want your daughter thinking she has to be a doormat either or remember her mom being miserable because Grandma got to do whatever she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL needs a hobby besides your DD.

If you post what area you live, people may be able to direct you to senior activities to get her out of your hair. If driving is an issue for her, some areas even provide senior transportation or you could foot the uber bill.

THIS
THIS
THIS
She is hooked on her because she is not doing anything else.
.
Start sending DD to daycare more days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

OP here. It is probably worthwhile for me to separate what she does from our relationship, as it were, and what it reflects in that sense (disconnect, disrespect, whatever -- if I'm being honest it's more the former than the latter). However, part of the problem is MIL operates 100% of the time ONLY thinking about DD's happiness, to the detriment of any boundaries whatsoever. DD walks all over her, and in turn MIL walks all over the boundaries we've tried to establish. She's always around because DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her. The only time she goes to her "dungeon" (how she sometimes refers to her specially built, full-daylight, large bedroom with custom bathroom and closet) is when DD is sleeping. I've let it go this far because I know having grandma around is good for DD. But not to the point of sacrificing my sanity.

Oh, fuck, no. No, no, no. Your MIL doesn't respect you or DH at all. No way should this situation continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

What culture is she from? We need some context to figure out her behavior and how to address it in a culturally sensitive manner.

A culture that expects more kindness and forgiveness than ours.

I've actually thought about asking Jeff to delete this thread because it feels like I've revealed a lot of personal information, but holding off for now because it's been helpful. So while I understand wanting to address her specific culture I'd prefer not to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

OP here. It is probably worthwhile for me to separate what she does from our relationship, as it were, and what it reflects in that sense (disconnect, disrespect, whatever -- if I'm being honest it's more the former than the latter). However, part of the problem is MIL operates 100% of the time ONLY thinking about DD's happiness, to the detriment of any boundaries whatsoever. DD walks all over her, and in turn MIL walks all over the boundaries we've tried to establish. She's always around because DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her. The only time she goes to her "dungeon" (how she sometimes refers to her specially built, full-daylight, large bedroom with custom bathroom and closet) is when DD is sleeping. I've let it go this far because I know having grandma around is good for DD. But not to the point of sacrificing my sanity.

Oh, fuck, no. No, no, no. Your MIL doesn't respect you or DH at all. No way should this situation continue.

hahaha I really like how you UNBOLDED "DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her." Yes, send her to daycare and deny her a truly pleasurable and loving relationship. Great advice. You moms are certainly crazy. "If I can't parent you NO ONE WILL"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

"In our culture, Mom and Dad are in charge, and grandparents do their best to be supportive of that. You don't get free reign just because you say what your culture does. We do some things based on your culture, because it's the culture DH was raised in, but my culture is just as valid as yours, and it's the one I was raised in and the one we live in. You also need to adjust."

And if she sulks, oh well.