Reply to DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm the PP that lives my mom. To the third parent thing - I think this the crux of the issue and where some true self-reflection and mindfulness can go a long way. Words like "parenting" are so fraught in our culture. "Parenting" is a competitive sport and everyone is judging how everyone else is doing it at all times. Society and culture aren't helping us out much as mothers, and on top of that you have a unique family arrangement which makes it even harder. Go easy on yourself.

Now, your MIL is not a third "parent" in the way that you probably interpreted my meaning, as she absolutely does not get an equal say of you and your husband about what is right for your daughter. That being said, from your daughters perspective, there are three adults in her family caring for her. If there is disharmony between these three, I think it can be upsetting to her in the same way it could be upsetting if there were disagreements between two parents, so thats what I meant by "three parents" Your MIL role is not to listen to you and raise your daughter the way you would raise her. Your MIL role is to love and care for your daughter and her family, and because she lives with you, I think she does deserve and little leeway and respect to make some minor decisions regarding her opinion and your daughters care.

Now, there are some red lines to draw, for sure. For today's example, which I agree would totally infuriate me, your daughters whereabouts must be known to you at all times. That is non-negotiable. Also, there can be some food and sleep non-negotiables that you clearly state. Also, if you provide you clear reasons behind these rules, hopefully your MIL will get on board, even if she disagrees. Beyond these red lines, you have to let go of the little stuff. If you make mountains out of molehills, your MIL will actually not know what is a priority to you and you will continue to bash heads because shes casting you as someone who gets mad about everything.

Think of the end-game here. You want your daughter looking up to you in the future because you are gracious and kind and patient. Because you prioritized family care and made the best of a not-great situation. [/quote]

Re-reading some of these as I tell DH how I think he should address this situation tonight. This is a great post, thanks PP. -OP[/quote]

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