DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

[Anonymous]

OP, where did she take her today? That's bizarre and kind of aggressive. Normal parents don't take a child out of the house without letting the other parent know. The fact that she did that, when of course a mother and child would want to say goodbye to each other, is strange. Unless it was an emergency (!) there is no reason for her action. Is she passive-aggressive or just clueless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

YES. Best response so far.

Ugh, please do not do any of this to a family member who your daughter loves that you need to live with for the foreseeable future. Passive aggressive bullshit is not something you need to model.

How is that passive aggressive? It's pretty to-the-point.

"it doesn't help" "it's not appropriate" "it's not good for larla" are all literally in the passive voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

YES. Best response so far.

Ugh, please do not do any of this to a family member who your daughter loves that you need to live with for the foreseeable future. Passive aggressive bullshit is not something you need to model.

How is that passive aggressive? It's pretty to-the-point.

"it doesn't help" "it's not appropriate" "it's not good for larla" are all literally in the passive voice.

and repeating a question feigning misunderstanding? I really don't think OP should take advice from you, you clearly don't have relationships based on honest communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where did she take her today? That's bizarre and kind of aggressive. Normal parents don't take a child out of the house without letting the other parent know. The fact that she did that, when of course a mother and child would want to say goodbye to each other, is strange. Unless it was an emergency (!) there is no reason for her action. Is she passive-aggressive or just clueless?

She took her on a bike ride -- not away in the car, sorry if I made it seem like she drove off with her. But I thought they were just playing in the yard and then suddenly they were gone and MIL's phone was laying on the kitchen counter. SIL is staying with us this week (another story there :roll and was like where the hell did they go? Then when she came back in and was totally unapologetic when I was angry, that pissed me off even more, as did when she said, "well, I just thought you'd drive past us." I don't want to just cruise by and wave, I want to give my kid a hug and kiss goodbye!

She isn't aggressive but she is totally clueless. She actually just texted me and said "sorry if you were alarmed." SIL must have leaned into her about it after I left.

[Anonymous]

I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

unclench people. Yes, it is true that some people are operating in a world where they are "not thinking of you" 100% of the time. Forgive them.

[Anonymous]

Why on God's green earth did you allow her to live with you? You knew this was going to happen, right? Health issues can be taken care of without communal living.

Anyway. She isn't doing anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be booted out. You will have to go to a therapist to learn how to deal, how to talk, how to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on God's green earth did you allow her to live with you? You knew this was going to happen, right? Health issues can be taken care of without communal living.

Anyway. She isn't doing anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be booted out. You will have to go to a therapist to learn how to deal, how to talk, how to set boundaries.

Some people actually believe communal living provides a net benefit. These people are clearly not on DCUM. Run OP! Stop reading the internet, get home and unwind on the deck with your SIL and let your MIL take the kid on a good long bike ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

OP here. It is probably worthwhile for me to separate what she does from our relationship, as it were, and what it reflects in that sense (disconnect, disrespect, whatever -- if I'm being honest it's more the former than the latter). However, part of the problem is MIL operates 100% of the time ONLY thinking about DD's happiness, to the detriment of any boundaries whatsoever. DD walks all over her, and in turn MIL walks all over the boundaries we've tried to establish. She's always around because DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her. The only time she goes to her "dungeon" (how she sometimes refers to her specially built, full-daylight, large bedroom with custom bathroom and closet) is when DD is sleeping. I've let it go this far because I know having grandma around is good for DD. But not to the point of sacrificing my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

OP here. It is probably worthwhile for me to separate what she does from our relationship, as it were, and what it reflects in that sense (disconnect, disrespect, whatever -- if I'm being honest it's more the former than the latter). However, part of the problem is MIL operates 100% of the time ONLY thinking about DD's happiness, to the detriment of any boundaries whatsoever. DD walks all over her, and in turn MIL walks all over the boundaries we've tried to establish. She's always around because DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her. The only time she goes to her "dungeon" (how she sometimes refers to her specially built, full-daylight, large bedroom with custom bathroom and closet) is when DD is sleeping. I've let it go this far because I know having grandma around is good for DD. But not to the point of sacrificing my sanity.

Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

[Anonymous]

MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

[Anonymous]

The issue seems that your MIL lives with you and acts like any member of the family, meaning involved in everything. And you want your peace and your house to be your house. So, your MIL is acting like an equal member and parent/grandparent in the family. You lack limits and she lacks limits. She is acting like another parent to the child. I bet she thinks she is super helpful with care and with buying for your DD. And I think she is, to a point. You can't expect a family member to act as a guest. She also seems talkative. Ask yourself if it was your own mom would you resent all the questions so much? If yes, you are not cut out for this arrangement and there is a saying that two women is one too many for one household, both can't be alpha moms and rulers of the "kingdom," so to say. Two women, no matter how benign, want to be in charge and that is the whole problem. How do you solve this? No idea.

[Anonymous]

those small comments daily would drive me crazy, she needs to move out

[Anonymous]

Quick question? Where is your MIL originally from?