DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'd look into a small apartment for her nearby. This is not going to end well. I'd be pissed at my dh if he left the house with one of my kids without telling me, nevermind my mil!!

That was at best thoughtless, and frankly pretty disrespectful. She's either just literally not thinking of you, or at worst, knowingly taking over and digging at you. Sorry op. You guys are in a rough spot.

the conclusion I've come to is that most people not from our class/generation/race actually don't find it "disrespectful" to the help with child care. The child is part of the family, and in most of the world its care largely falls to the oldest members of the household, not just the parents.

it's only because we've made motherhood a full contact sport that going on a safe bike ride with a child = disrespect. Your MIL could have actually just been thinking about your daughters happiness and the fact that she wanted to go on a bike ride. it doesn't have to be a full scale referendum on her living arrangements. You'll be a happier person if you train yourself to think of peoples are acting with their best intentions rather than their worst.

OP here. It is probably worthwhile for me to separate what she does from our relationship, as it were, and what it reflects in that sense (disconnect, disrespect, whatever -- if I'm being honest it's more the former than the latter). However, part of the problem is MIL operates 100% of the time ONLY thinking about DD's happiness, to the detriment of any boundaries whatsoever. DD walks all over her, and in turn MIL walks all over the boundaries we've tried to establish. She's always around because DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her. The only time she goes to her "dungeon" (how she sometimes refers to her specially built, full-daylight, large bedroom with custom bathroom and closet) is when DD is sleeping. I've let it go this far because I know having grandma around is good for DD. But not to the point of sacrificing my sanity.

Oh, fuck, no. No, no, no. Your MIL doesn't respect you or DH at all. No way should this situation continue.

hahaha I really like how you UNBOLDED "DD always shrieks with joy when she sees her." Yes, send her to daycare and deny her a truly pleasurable and loving relationship. Great advice. You moms are certainly crazy. "If I can't parent you NO ONE WILL"

Most grandparents have to follow some rules based on the wishes of the parents, even if breaking said rules makes their grandchild shriek with joy. Nowhere did I say not for them to have a relationship--simply that it's clear that Grandma disrespects the parents and doesn't understand her place in all this.

[Anonymous]

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Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.

What culture is she from? We need some context to figure out her behavior and how to address it in a culturally sensitive manner.

A culture that expects more kindness and forgiveness than ours.

Don't worry OP, delete it if you want. I'm the PP living with mom. Most of DCUM cannot relate. It's really less about culture and more about making accommodations to adults in your household. Most of DCUM doesn't do this well - they can't even get along with their husbands.

I've actually thought about asking Jeff to delete this thread because it feels like I've revealed a lot of personal information, but holding off for now because it's been helpful. So while I understand wanting to address her specific culture I'd prefer not to say.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs to live elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a lot of this can be addressed if you are direct with MIL at the time it happens. Not in a mean or disrespectful way, but with logic. I think another pp had some good suggestions.
MIL: you can go get ready for work.
You: I want to play with DD some more, I'll let you know when I'm leaving.

MIL: Why are you vacuuming...
You: I needed to. or "I wanted to" would be better because she can't argue that carpet doesn't need vacuuming.

Where she argues with you in front of DD when you're telling DD to do something (or not do something) I suggest you ask her to go into another room with you (out of DD's earshot) and explain that she is undermining your parenting and confuses DD. Keep doing that every time she does it.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I also think that if you involve her more in some of DD's upbringing/decisions, she'll probably insert herself less. There's this thing inside us that if whatever our feeling is isn't being met, we push harder and harder to have it met. So, if your mil needs to feel useful and needed, the more you push her away (either consciously or unconsciously) the more she'll butt in and do this kind of stuff.

Maybe start asking her to help with stuff that isn't a big deal for you. Things like, "MIL, can you keep an eye on DD's formula (or whatever) and let me know when we get low? It'll really help me out" or "MIL, DD needs a new bathing suit, do you want to go online and help me find a cute one?" Or even getting her opinion on what to get "which stroller do you think is best?"

I honestly think if you give her some specific DD-related tasks, she'll feel wanted, useful and needed and may back off some of the other more petty issues.

OP, have you thought about doing this? It might work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

Considering OP is having an emotional affair (look at her first post), it seems the marriage is already suffering...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

Considering OP is having an emotional affair (look at her first post), it seems the marriage is already suffering...

haha I thought EAP was Employee Assistance Program. Please tell me I was right OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

Considering OP is having an emotional affair (look at her first post), it seems the marriage is already suffering...

haha I thought EAP was Employee Assistance Program. Please tell me I was right OP!

DP, but I thought it was employee assistance program too. Didn't even occur to me that OP was talking about an emotional affair partner. How funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

Considering OP is having an emotional affair (look at her first post), it seems the marriage is already suffering...

haha I thought EAP was Employee Assistance Program. Please tell me I was right OP!

DP, but I thought it was employee assistance program too. Didn't even occur to me that OP was talking about an emotional affair partner. How funny.

Jesus. I was referring to employee assistance program for therapy. I am not having any kind of affair, emotional or otherwise

[Anonymous]

Honestly, everything will change when baby #2 arrives. Either MIL will be tired out from KIDS X 2 or she will be a huge help to you. Either way, I would just let as much as you can go until you then. Who knows, she may want to move out after #2 comes along!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to move out before your marriage suffers. The second baby will probably bring out a new level of crazy in her.

Considering OP is having an emotional affair (look at her first post), it seems the marriage is already suffering...

haha I thought EAP was Employee Assistance Program. Please tell me I was right OP!

DP, but I thought it was employee assistance program too. Didn't even occur to me that OP was talking about an emotional affair partner. How funny.

Jesus. I was referring to employee assistance program for therapy. I am not having any kind of affair, emotional or otherwise

That is a total DCUM move right there. Hahaha. I can't even believe someone thought you were referring to an affair!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, everything will change when baby #2 arrives. Either MIL will be tired out from KIDS X 2 or she will be a huge help to you. Either way, I would just let as much as you can go until you then. Who knows, she may want to move out after #2 comes along!

Agreed. A threapist isn't a bad idea to help monitor any PPD issues and help you work through the dynamics.

[Anonymous]

go see the big sick tonight and leave DD with MIL and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Can your spouse be honest with his mother about boundaries? my parents come for extended visits (2-3 months), and my kids prefer my mom to me/spouse when they are visiting. It doesn't bother me at all, but they are my parents. It bothers DH though, so after their first extended visit, I spoke with my parents about giving DH 'Dad time". So now, after we come home from work, my parents just take off - they go for a walk, read/watch tv/catch up on phone calls, etc in the MIL suite. Basically the time from 6-9 are ours with our kids. We still have dinner together all 6 of us, but otherwise they do their own thing. They have time with my kids before school and also after school, so they don't mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your spouse be honest with his mother about boundaries? my parents come for extended visits (2-3 months), and my kids prefer my mom to me/spouse when they are visiting. It doesn't bother me at all, but they are my parents. It bothers DH though, so after their first extended visit, I spoke with my parents about giving DH 'Dad time". So now, after we come home from work, my parents just take off - they go for a walk, read/watch tv/catch up on phone calls, etc in the MIL suite. Basically the time from 6-9 are ours with our kids. We still have dinner together all 6 of us, but otherwise they do their own thing. They have time with my kids before school and also after school, so they don't mind.

This would be ideal for me. I think that's the goal. Unfortunately I think MIL will mind or at least not understand. But maybe I'm underestimating her, who knows.

[Anonymous]

My niece had a lot of behavior problems from spending 2 days/week with a spoiling grandma. I guess it depends on your kid, but you might not be doing DC any favors living this way even though she screams with joy or whatever.