DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues
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Anonymous
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This whole thing feels overly (unnecessarily) complicated and stupid but it's driving me crazy, so last stop before I hit up my EAP and head to a real shrink.
I have posted a little about this before but it just gets worse and worse. I know a lot of other people deal with IL issues so maybe your experience can help me. My MIL lives with us and watches DD (2.5) one day a week, because she wants to (she gets huffy if we send DD to daycare all five days, and I think being with grandma is good for DD. They adore each other). She is EXTREMELY involved with everything DD that she can be, to the point where it's really excessive and obnoxious. DH has told her to back off before and stop monopolizing DD. We also had to tell her to stop buying clothes and shoes and toys for DD although sometimes she still does it and hides it until she thinks DD needs whatever it is. We provide very well for DD, she wants for nothing. MIL is generally helpful and benign, but she's just ALWAYS THERE. And she's always trying to interact with DD, injecting herself into our conversations and getting in her face. DD loves it of course; I don't. I've gotten increasingly irritated with her to the point where I'm starting to withdraw myself from her and even withdraw DD from her a little, which I think she's sensing and reacting to. The things she does are so minor I question why I'm getting so bent out of shape about it, but it really grates on my nerves. Constantly. And I'm in my first trimester with #2 so extra irritable. Here are a few examples of the things she does that drive me nuts, just to give you an idea. This is daily. -This morning I was playing with DD in the living room; MIL told me "you can go ahead and go get ready for work now, you know." -asks me about every little thing DD-related. Why were you vacuuming her room last night? Where did you get that new raincoat? Are you going to buy her more milk today? (We were low on milk but not out) - "Defends" DD against us: She WASN'T eating the toothpaste. She's just playing. She's not hungry, she doesn't need to finish her food. Etc etc etc DH for his part is pretty understanding, his mom annoys him too. But he's tired of having these conversations with her and doesn't want to continue to have to do it over trivial annoyances. Am I crazy and need to "unclench" or do I have legit reason to be irritated? Any ideas for me? |
Anonymous
| Wow that was really long. Sorry for the novel. -OP |
Anonymous
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She lives with you. Enough said.
I get sick of my mother / MIL if they stay with us for a week+. You're a real trooper. |
Anonymous
| Why would you allow her to live with You? |
Anonymous
Yup. Of course she's ALWAYS THERE! |
Anonymous
Originally, she was having health issues and DH was concerned and felt like he should help by letting her live with us. We have since built a custom MIL suite for her. She was helpful when DD was a baby and still is helpful sometimes. I think I'm mindful that it will be helpful to have her around when we have a newborn and a toddler but mostly I'm kind of dreading her always being here and chiming in while I'm trying to get my arms around that. |
Anonymous
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Two women, one house, bad news.
Is there any chance of changing the situation? |
Anonymous
| How old is she? |
Anonymous
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Asking her to move out involves a LOT of hurt feelings but I'm definitely thinking about approaching DH about it (though he is doubtful she can afford her own place at this point). I am not sure this is sustainable, but at the same time I'm wondering if I'm crazy and/or hormonal and making a rash decision. Hence my OP.
She's 63. She is generally healthy and still works on a contract basis (ie a few months at a time). |
Anonymous
| A live in SAHM? Why are you paying for daycare at all? She needs to move out. |
Anonymous
She's not SAH, she works on a contract basis |
Anonymous
| How extensive is her "suite"? I feel like you're going to need to define the space and shared time better or you're going to go nuts and explode on her. She is used to running a house and isn't really ready to let go of that role. And she's still pretty young, so right now you're on a path for this to be the way things are for the whole of your kids' childhood. |
Anonymous
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Could you have a heart to heart with her that really gets to the core of things. Like more "it makes you feel like you think I'm a bad parents when you contradict everything I say"? I know you really mean "back off before I get violent" but I bet that message wouldn't convey well.
But maybe if you could tap into the notional side of things, like "what if someone had done this with your son?" Honestly, I'd be hiding the body in the back yard by now, but it doesn't sound like that's a good option for you. Also, therapy isn't a bad idea. It might give you coping strategies, discussion ideas and just a play to unload without consequence. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL needs a hobby besides your DD.
If you post what area you live, people may be able to direct you to senior activities to get her out of your hair. If driving is an issue for her, some areas even provide senior transportation or you could foot the uber bill. |
Anonymous
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Part of this is just the consequence of living with someone 24-7. People are annoying, even the best of them, so that's something you have to accept.
Seems like your mil is. It in her home and doesn't have much in her life to call her own. She derives a sense of purpose and meaning from feeling "needed" and "wanted" by her granddaughter. She probably exaggerates it but it's important for her emotional and mental health. My mil is like this too, especially with my first, and would take credit for a lot of things. She doesn't live with me but lives close by. I get that this is incredibly annoying, but your patience in this is really a gift for her. Still when it's someone living with you, some of the niceties need to go. Sometimes when she's interfering in discipline or something, you just need to firmly say, "I got this," and not engage in further explanations and excuses. She. Reds to know that sometimes she has to back off. This is probably a discussion dh needs to have with her too, while emphasizing how much you appreciate her help. You guys should also book a spa day or or social visits or something for grandma and plan family outings for just the three of you. |