DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

[Anonymous]

You need to get her out of your house.

And you and DH need to set some boundaries: "MIL, I need some time with my child." etc.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries. Gma needs to stay in mil suite when it's not visiting hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boundaries. Gma needs to stay in mil suite when it's not visiting hours.

Or you will do something you regret when you're on maternity leave.

Bite the bullet and get this settled now before it blows up in your face.

[Anonymous]

Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

[Anonymous]

She lives with you. She cares for your child. If you don't like this arrangement, make another arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have grandma move out now tho, even if that's the future plan. That may be too disruptive for dd with a new baby on the way.

[Anonymous]

Are you pregnant? I despised my MIL when I was pregnant, and found her very intrusive. It's better now. (Mine doesn't live in but we have the same childcare situation where she gets huffy if I send DD to preschool all 5 days. We see her a lot.)

She lives there too: she is not an employee, and not really a guest. Unless the MIL suite is actually an apartment, I don't think you can tell her to stay out of the main house. You can set other boundaries, tell her not to undermine you, etc. Try to treat her like a roommate or like your DH -- if he was undermining you, you would say something, but you wouldn't throw him out.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness. That sounds absolutely terrible. She seems like a loving grandmother but with 0 boundaries. You and your husband are the parents. It's one thing to be helpful, it's another to over-insert yourself all the time. It'd drive me crazy for sure. I can barely stand my in-laws being here for 2-3 weeks at a time and they are really nice people. I just can't stand always having someone else around with their comments and questions.

You may need her help more though if you are expecting #2. She may help keep your DD busy and happy while you focus on the infant.. Can your husband have a nice chat with her? She doesn't sound malicious, just overly opinionated and overly involved. Can he just tell her to stay out of any disagreements or disciplinary conversations with DD? By "defending" her granddaughter she's undermining you completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She lives with you. She cares for your child. If you don't like this arrangement, make another arrangement.

Read the post. Grandma doesn't provide primary childcare.

Their daughter is in full time daycare and grandma insists on taking her out one day a week for bonding time. Parents are still paying for full time daycare. Grandma gets to take granddaughter when she feels like it and if it's inconvenient she can just let the girl go to daycare.

Grandma also lives with them. It sounds like she takes a lot more a lot more than she contributes to the household.

[Anonymous]

I don't have much advice but I am right there with you and you have my sympathies. We live with my mother (in HER house) while we are renovating our house. Our renovation has dragged on so we have been here a year, from when DS was 1 to now almost 2. A lot of the examples you give, I have similar stories. Its my moms fridge and she thinks DS needs 3 cups of milk a day, so she is VERY on top of the milk situation, reminding us to buy even though I don't think we need it etc. She also buys a lot of clothes and toys.

My mom does the childcare though.

I think you need to make peace with the situation where you can. She does sound like she really will be a help to you when you have a newborn, and your daughter is happy for now. We are tight on cash for the renovation, so I basically just let my mom do the toys and clothes shopping since she seems to really enjoy it. If we're going to visit my friends or take photos I know I will want framed or something, I choose a couple outfits, but otherwise DS is styled by my mom which is NOT trendy or cool, but functions. Same with toys. IF you feel your child is being spoiled, stop buying for her.

I think you need to leave the house frequently as a small family and also get siblings in on it and have MIL go visit them. We spend a LOT of time outside when I get home from work because my mom doesn't like bugs or heat. We walk and go to playgrounds and go out to dinner to get some space. Luckily my mom can go through bouts of introversion where she wants to be alone too, so that helps. We plan vacations to go see my husbands family. We also go camping, which my mom doesn't like.

It can be really hard to feel like I'm parenting with three people, but I basically am so I've just tried to let go. It took me a while to let my mom watch him on the weekends just so I can do something indulgent, because I felt like, "oh, she gets so much time with him already" but once I did and truly let myself enjoy some me time, I felt so lucky to know my son was safe and happy and in a familiar place and I could take my time enjoying a date with my husband. My son is MY son, he will know that in adulthood and for his whole life. I love him fiercely as his mother and he loves my mom as his grandma. I'm not going to "win" by banning Mickey Mouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

YES. Best response so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

YES. Best response so far.

Ugh, please do not do any of this to a family member who your daughter loves that you need to live with for the foreseeable future. Passive aggressive bullshit is not something you need to model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you pregnant? I despised my MIL when I was pregnant, and found her very intrusive. It's better now. (Mine doesn't live in but we have the same childcare situation where she gets huffy if I send DD to preschool all 5 days. We see her a lot.)

She lives there too: she is not an employee, and not really a guest. Unless the MIL suite is actually an apartment, I don't think you can tell her to stay out of the main house. You can set other boundaries, tell her not to undermine you, etc. Try to treat her like a roommate or like your DH -- if he was undermining you, you would say something, but you wouldn't throw him out.

Ha, yes. To me things have gotten noticeably worse in the past couple months. This is why I'm questioning my sanity and whether my complaints are legit!

Thanks PPs for the great responses, a lot of great points. YES MIL definitely needs some kind of hobbies, she has no life besides work and church. She definitely loves feeling needed and wanted, it's been decades since she last felt that and I swear she is drunk off it. I am definitely not rewarding her behavior with a free spa day, I am way too out of patience and empathy for that right now.

To the PP who pointed out you don't "win" by banning Mickey -- you are right. I am constantly questioning why I feel like it's a competition for my daughter's affections sometimes. I think some of it is my irritability, and some of it is her vying for attention and feeling entitled to access. I don't think her role is to be a third parent though, that's what we need to address with her. But I do need to remember I will always be the mom, that's a good point.

I need to start being more forward with her (the post with the curt responses was gold!). Sometimes I want to avoid confrontation and be respectful (she is from a different culture and elder respect is a big deal for her. This is why if I turned it around and said "how would you feel" -- because we have -- she would claim she'd welcome it because she would want the extra help and respects her elders. But she never had her mother or MIL live with her so that's BS). Sometimes I'm so furious I just exit the situation before I explode and say something that can't be taken back. Ironically (or not), that actually happened this morning after my OP. She took DD out without saying anything or taking her phone before I left for work, so not only could I not say goodbye to my kid, I couldn't get hold of her either. She also did not even apologize when they came back and I explained through gritted teeth that she cannot do that. I was so livid...called DH as soon as I got in the car and told him there needs to be a thorough discussion of boundaries TODAY, it's time for DD to go to daycare full time, and I am at my absolute limit. So fingers crossed something changes soon. Or else we'll need to talk about alternate living arrangements. This thread is solidifying that I can't keep living this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start responding bluntly and maybe she'll back off.
--"I'm enjoying some one-on-one time with my child. You don't need to worry about when I get ready for work."
--"It would be better if you don't jump in to defend her. It doesn't help for you to insert your two cents." You can say this politely or matter-of-factly. At some point you might need to explain to her frankly that she is not a third parent, and she should not insert herself between DD and her parents. Use the phrases "it's not appropriate," "it's not helpful," and "it's not good for Larla."
--Repeat her annoying question back to her. Pause. Then give a non-response. "Why was I vacuuming her room? ... [slightly incredulous facial expression] ... Because. It. Needed. It." Then quickly change topic so she doesn't get the information. Start signaling her questions are unwelcome, don't give her the satisfaction of a substantive response when possible, and give her the feeling that she's not entitled to know all these things.
Don't do anything drastic until after the new baby comes and you see what your new life is like. You are a saint to let her live with you. Does DH have any siblings who can let MIL visit for extended periods, to give you and him a break?

YES. Best response so far.

Ugh, please do not do any of this to a family member who your daughter loves that you need to live with for the foreseeable future. Passive aggressive bullshit is not something you need to model.

How is that passive aggressive? It's pretty to-the-point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you pregnant? I despised my MIL when I was pregnant, and found her very intrusive. It's better now. (Mine doesn't live in but we have the same childcare situation where she gets huffy if I send DD to preschool all 5 days. We see her a lot.)

She lives there too: she is not an employee, and not really a guest. Unless the MIL suite is actually an apartment, I don't think you can tell her to stay out of the main house. You can set other boundaries, tell her not to undermine you, etc. Try to treat her like a roommate or like your DH -- if he was undermining you, you would say something, but you wouldn't throw him out.

Ha, yes. To me things have gotten noticeably worse in the past couple months. This is why I'm questioning my sanity and whether my complaints are legit!

Thanks PPs for the great responses, a lot of great points. YES MIL definitely needs some kind of hobbies, she has no life besides work and church. She definitely loves feeling needed and wanted, it's been decades since she last felt that and I swear she is drunk off it. I am definitely not rewarding her behavior with a free spa day, I am way too out of patience and empathy for that right now.

To the PP who pointed out you don't "win" by banning Mickey -- you are right. I am constantly questioning why I feel like it's a competition for my daughter's affections sometimes. I think some of it is my irritability, and some of it is her vying for attention and feeling entitled to access. I don't think her role is to be a third parent though, that's what we need to address with her. But I do need to remember I will always be the mom, that's a good point.

I need to start being more forward with her (the post with the curt responses was gold!). Sometimes I want to avoid confrontation and be respectful (she is from a different culture and elder respect is a big deal for her. This is why if I turned it around and said "how would you feel" -- because we have -- she would claim she'd welcome it because she would want the extra help and respects her elders. But she never had her mother or MIL live with her so that's BS). Sometimes I'm so furious I just exit the situation before I explode and say something that can't be taken back. Ironically (or not), that actually happened this morning after my OP. She took DD out without saying anything or taking her phone before I left for work, so not only could I not say goodbye to my kid, I couldn't get hold of her either. She also did not even apologize when they came back and I explained through gritted teeth that she cannot do that. I was so livid...called DH as soon as I got in the car and told him there needs to be a thorough discussion of boundaries TODAY, it's time for DD to go to daycare full time, and I am at my absolute limit. So fingers crossed something changes soon. Or else we'll need to talk about alternate living arrangements. This thread is solidifying that I can't keep living this way.

I'm the PP that lives my mom. To the third parent thing - I think this the crux of the issue and where some true self-reflection and mindfulness can go a long way. Words like "parenting" are so fraught in our culture. "Parenting" is a competitive sport and everyone is judging how everyone else is doing it at all times. Society and culture aren't helping us out much as mothers, and on top of that you have a unique family arrangement which makes it even harder. Go easy on yourself.

Now, your MIL is not a third "parent" in the way that you probably interpreted my meaning, as she absolutely does not get an equal say of you and your husband about what is right for your daughter. That being said, from your daughters perspective, there are three adults in her family caring for her. If there is disharmony between these three, I think it can be upsetting to her in the same way it could be upsetting if there were disagreements between two parents, so thats what I meant by "three parents" Your MIL role is not to listen to you and raise your daughter the way you would raise her. Your MIL role is to love and care for your daughter and her family, and because she lives with you, I think she does deserve and little leeway and respect to make some minor decisions regarding her opinion and your daughters care.

Now, there are some red lines to draw, for sure. For today's example, which I agree would totally infuriate me, your daughters whereabouts must be known to you at all times. That is non-negotiable. Also, there can be some food and sleep non-negotiables that you clearly state. Also, if you provide you clear reasons behind these rules, hopefully your MIL will get on board, even if she disagrees. Beyond these red lines, you have to let go of the little stuff. If you make mountains out of molehills, your MIL will actually not know what is a priority to you and you will continue to bash heads because shes casting you as someone who gets mad about everything.

Think of the end-game here. You want your daughter looking up to you in the future because you are gracious and kind and patient. Because you prioritized family care and made the best of a not-great situation.