At the end of my rope with low sex drive husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy in a similar situation. I'm just not attracted to DW anymore. Sex drive is not the issue but desirability is. She has progressively become fatter and bitchier. 5 minutes into a conversation, ANY conversation, it devolved into some sort of argument. I stay together for the kids. Divorce will only make really bad for the kids as well as financially for everyone.

I don't know why people allow themselves to get really overweight. Five or ten pounds is one thing but 40 or 50 would be a problem.

Have you talked to your spouse about her constant arguing or drama? I was married to someone like that and as soon as they started the negativity or arguing I immediately left the room. If need be I'd get in my car and go somewhere. Try that one.
If you've already warned her multiple times make yourself sparse. Hobbies like golf, working out, walks etc. which doesn't include her.

That PP talking to his spouse about the constant arguing will just mean another 30-40 minutes of all the things that PP has done wrong and how PP's wife is put upon so heavily by everyone ranging from PP to the kids to co-workers/other moms, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

My DW definitely stopped wanting to have sex so much after we had DS. I'm not complaining about bait-and-switch, because I had hints of the problem well in advance - even of marriage. Like the loss of attraction poster, I have the problem that DW has gained a lot and not really lost it. I still find her attractive, but between my age (and I'm sure lower T) and her weight gain, I'm not able to carry the full burden of providing all the attraction, initiation and libido for us both. I want a partner who want to have sex with me, not merely acquiesce to it. I think DW does have some libido, but the weight gain has made her so inhibited that she will never initiate, rejects receiving oral, and pretty much does the lights-out, under-the-covers, missionary-only routine. I am no longer the 18 year old who would happily take any opportunity. So, I don't initiate much, and if I don't initiate, nothing happens at all.

DS is 2, and I hear this all gets better after the youngest is 5, so I'm holding out for that. I love DW very much, and am attracted to her, so I'm not going for the open marriage or AP (because I think either would be crushing for her), and I definitely do not want a divorce, but if this doesn't get better in a few more years, then I'll reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

This.
I had a friend who divorced in her late 30s; her low drive ex had no problem finding a long term girl friend pretty much right away; she has had nothing but problems, cheating high drive boyfriends, and is now doing one night stands so she won't go completely crazy. She has no problems finding someone to sleep with temporarily, huge problems finding a compatible boyfriend / husband. In her case, the high drive guys she finds typically cheat on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

I'm not the bait and switch poster, but in my case my wife admitted she only acted like she was high drive in order for me to like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

This.
I had a friend who divorced in her late 30s; her low drive ex had no problem finding a long term girl friend pretty much right away; she has had nothing but problems, cheating high drive boyfriends, and is now doing one night stands so she won't go completely crazy. She has no problems finding someone to sleep with temporarily, huge problems finding a compatible boyfriend / husband. In her case, the high drive guys she finds typically cheat on her.

That's because marriage is a healthy balance. If one thinks it's all about their needs constantly being met they should remain single. I find it sad when people have kids and don't put the kids first. Why there are so many messed up adults as this board illustrates time and time again.

[Anonymous]

Dw here. He's not going to change. It's who he is. You have to accept it or get divorced. It's that simple.

You'll be a lot happier when you stop wanting to have sex with him. It will happen. Once you are rejected and frustrated enough you'll stop being sexually attracted to him. My husband is attractive to me but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I simply got fed up with the drama over sex. We clearly want different things in the bedroom and I realized he's never going to change. So now I have sex with him maybe 2x a month and just fake it. While I was pregnant he never wanted to have sex because he said he wasn't attracted to me. That was fantastic.

What helps me cope is focusing on the positives in our relationship and there are a lot. If I found a man who I enjoyed sleeping with and we had similar desires then we'd probably have other problems. No relationship is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

Not me. Not many others.

-np

[Anonymous]

Men hit on you constantly? At work? On the street? At the gym?

[Anonymous]

Is high drive available in a stick shift only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

Wow. I can't imagine why she doesn't want to sleep with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dw here. He's not going to change. It's who he is. You have to accept it or get divorced. It's that simple.

You'll be a lot happier when you stop wanting to have sex with him. It will happen. Once you are rejected and frustrated enough you'll stop being sexually attracted to him. My husband is attractive to me but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I simply got fed up with the drama over sex. We clearly want different things in the bedroom and I realized he's never going to change. So now I have sex with him maybe 2x a month and just fake it. While I was pregnant he never wanted to have sex because he said he wasn't attracted to me. That was fantastic.

What helps me cope is focusing on the positives in our relationship and there are a lot. If I found a man who I enjoyed sleeping with and we had similar desires then we'd probably have other problems. No relationship is perfect.

But lots are perfect for a few months...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What helps me cope is focusing on the positives in our relationship and there are a lot. If I found a man who I enjoyed sleeping with and we had similar desires then we'd probably have other problems. No relationship is perfect.

DH here (PP @11:10), and same here. I've only had a couple of relationships (out of many many partners) where the sexual connection seemed to be a very close match (in hindsight, I suspect a lot of acting in one case), and both were riddled with other problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

Wow. I can't imagine why she doesn't want to sleep with you!

Sadly he doesn't see it. It's quite possible his DW has a bigger plan in place. Actually if he is married I think he's the one his wife avoids.