At the end of my rope with low sex drive husband

[Anonymous]

OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

[Anonymous]

OP it almost sounds like he would be ok getting a divorce going by your post. I wonder why he wouldn't compromise and attempt a once a week or Sat. night. Do you think he has resentments, and is checking out or has checked out? Honestly, if my spouse asked for a "open" marriage I wouldn't trust them, it would damage our marriage tremendously. I might want out from that alone thinking they've already cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My post was not a complaint. It is advice to other unhappy men and women (like OP) suffering in a low sex marriage.
But since you missed my advice, I will restate it:

Be crystal clear with your partner that having a normal sexlife is a dealbreaker for you.
This is not a threat, not an ultimatum, just you being open and honest.
No normal person with a normal sex drive can be happy if stuck in a low sex marriage. You are not a "bad parent" to have normal sexual desires, it is your partner who is defective.
Once you've communicated this fact, and are certain your partner understands in no uncertain terms this is a dealbreaker yet he/she insists on selfishly ignoring the relationship, then you have a defacto Open Marriage and can proceed to meet your normal sexual needs elsewhere.

"defacto Open Marriage."

When you advise one to cheat your entire message is disregarded as nonsense.

It's not cheating. Non-monogamy is a lifestyle choice.
In the same way that one partner might - unilaterally - choose a (near) celibate lifestyle, the other partner might choose non-monogamy.
Totally fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I am a man who was in your situation for years when the kids were young.

I cheated, of course. Most men who end up in this libido disparity cheat. It helped my marriage, I stayed married and sane. DW never found out. She regained some libido when kids hit school. We are getting better.

So the standard advice is just find a FWB. You will have no problem, there are 10 men looking to cheat for every woman willing. Only real issue for you, and most women, is sex and love are hard to separate. Women have exit affairs, men rarely leave their wives.

What do you have to lose in an affair? End up divorced? You are almost there already. Your husband is a selfish ass.

Your FWB didn't boil bunnies when you no longer needed her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

Have you asked your husband how often he masturbates? I'd be curious. You may be surprised by the frequency. If it's somewhat frequent then this means he's choosing his hand over you.

Something is going on with him. He either has a medical problem or he isn't physically into you, which could be for a number of reasons. My husband was similar to yours and it turns out our marriage wasn't as great as I thought. There were other problems and he wasn't happy with me and how I was treating him. It wasn't even something he fully realized at the time. You've mentioned your physical attractiveness a few times. Maybe this is because posters here would otherwise jump to the conclusion you're fat and ugly. Or maybe you're placing way too much emphasis on this and ignoring that your husband may have emotional needs that aren't being met.

You've spent a lot of time trying to get him to sleep with you. I would not turn that focus on examining what he really needs from you. Again, he is choosing not to sleep with you and it could be for a variety of reasons. Find out why. I doubt it's because he's simply not into sex.

[Anonymous]

^^now turn

[Anonymous]

Gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in life and want everyone else to follow suit. That's not really how it works, you have to compromise. Have you even thought that your personality and demands of perfection have possibly sexually turned off your DH? That it's more of a "mommy" thing to do, rather than a lover? Why not just leave things messier and see if it helps his sex drive? It sounds like he has brought this up to you. Having constant sex with a perfectionist, no matter how attractive they are, sounds awful to me and the furthest thing from "pure pleasure."

It sounds like he does want to compromise...what about fewer demands of perfection in life from you, in exchange for more sex from him?

Keep in mind that my high drive female friends who have divorced do eventually find high drive men, who then constantly cheat on the friends because one woman is not enough for them-no matter how often they have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

For God sake woman, just go sow your wild oats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in life and want everyone else to follow suit. That's not really how it works, you have to compromise. Have you even thought that your personality and demands of perfection have possibly sexually turned off your DH? That it's more of a "mommy" thing to do, rather than a lover? Why not just leave things messier and see if it helps his sex drive? It sounds like he has brought this up to you. Having constant sex with a perfectionist, no matter how attractive they are, sounds awful to me and the furthest thing from "pure pleasure."

It sounds like he does want to compromise...what about fewer demands of perfection in life from you, in exchange for more sex from him?

Keep in mind that my high drive female friends who have divorced do eventually find high drive men, who then constantly cheat on the friends because one woman is not enough for them-no matter how often they have sex.

My money is on this.

[Anonymous]

Is he not interested in sex with you because he's not interested in sex or because he's not interested in hetero sex?

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I speak as someone in a sexless marriage and not leaving it either. No, it is b.s. to say you will eventually cheat. What kind of crackpot therapist says that? Since I may be only one on here in a functional sexless marriage, feel free to ask questions. But generally speaking, it does sound like you are not helping your situation with your approach, but hurting it. Start focusing more on how it is all functional and tone down the accusations and uptightness and chronic disapproval and dissappointment (both turnoffs for men by the way). The fact that you look good is NOT a turn on. A turn on for him is not about pulling away or threatening to pull away, or threatening to mess things up with kids in the picture. You need to step back from the appearances and consider who are you coming across as. Enough said for now, good luck, here if you have a q.

[Anonymous]

Stick it out to perimenapuase and you'll be perfectly compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I speak as someone in a sexless marriage and not leaving it either. No, it is b.s. to say you will eventually cheat. What kind of crackpot therapist says that? Since I may be only one on here in a functional sexless marriage, feel free to ask questions. But generally speaking, it does sound like you are not helping your situation with your approach, but hurting it. Start focusing more on how it is all functional and tone down the accusations and uptightness and chronic disapproval and dissappointment (both turnoffs for men by the way). The fact that you look good is NOT a turn on. A turn on for him is not about pulling away or threatening to pull away, or threatening to mess things up with kids in the picture. You need to step back from the appearances and consider who are you coming across as. Enough said for now, good luck, here if you have a q.

Um, no offense but why should we want advice from someone IN a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

There's the door.
If you are going to have a "ton of resentment" over a normal sex life with your husband, please just leave and don't remarry.

That's the point. You won't know. Normal is not threatening their spouse into submission. You being on here 24/7 complaining about the same thing isn't normal either.

My post was not a complaint. It is advice to other unhappy men and women (like OP) suffering in a low sex marriage.
But since you missed my advice, I will restate it:

Be crystal clear with your partner that having a normal sexlife is a dealbreaker for you.
This is not a threat, not an ultimatum, just you being open and honest.
No normal person with a normal sex drive can be happy if stuck in a low sex marriage. You are not a "bad parent" to have normal sexual desires, it is your partner who is defective.
Once you've communicated this fact, and are certain your partner understands in no uncertain terms this is a dealbreaker yet he/she insists on selfishly ignoring the relationship, then you have a defacto Open Marriage and can proceed to meet your normal sexual needs elsewhere.

Defective?! Wow. You're a winner.