At the end of my rope with low sex drive husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

This.
I had a friend who divorced in her late 30s; her low drive ex had no problem finding a long term girl friend pretty much right away; she has had nothing but problems, cheating high drive boyfriends, and is now doing one night stands so she won't go completely crazy. She has no problems finding someone to sleep with temporarily, huge problems finding a compatible boyfriend / husband. In her case, the high drive guys she finds typically cheat on her.

That's because marriage is a healthy balance. If one thinks it's all about their needs constantly being met they should remain single. I find it sad when people have kids and don't put the kids first. Why there are so many messed up adults as this board illustrates time and time again.

My mother put us kids first, and that caused a tremendous rift with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

Not me. Not many others.

-np

The point is if the low sex drive is truly the only issue, it's likely something physical (like low T) that can be fixed easily.

[Anonymous]

This thread is exhibit A for not getting married. It's also exhibit A1 for why having kids is risky. Best option is to avoid both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

There's the door.
If you are going to have a "ton of resentment" over a normal sex life with your husband, please just leave and don't remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

This.
I had a friend who divorced in her late 30s; her low drive ex had no problem finding a long term girl friend pretty much right away; she has had nothing but problems, cheating high drive boyfriends, and is now doing one night stands so she won't go completely crazy. She has no problems finding someone to sleep with temporarily, huge problems finding a compatible boyfriend / husband. In her case, the high drive guys she finds typically cheat on her.

That's because marriage is a healthy balance. If one thinks it's all about their needs constantly being met they should remain single. I find it sad when people have kids and don't put the kids first. Why there are so many messed up adults as this board illustrates time and time again.

My mother put us kids first, and that caused a tremendous rift with my dad.

Good for your mother, she was the one that was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Yes, following our kids, she lost all interest in sex. Like you, she was too tired, too busy, not a priority. Sorry to say this lady but TOO BAD, SO SAD! If you can't handle being both a mom AND a wife, then enjoy being a single mom .... with 50% custody.

For me, sex was a relationship dealbreaker, and if she wasn't willing to prioritize our sex life, I was intent on renegotiating our marriage deal.

After trying absolutely everything (multiple "talks", choreplay, his needs/her needs, did the 180, read the textbooks NMMNG and MSLP, worked on myself, marriage counseling, individual therapy, etc) I reached the end of the line.

During the conversation that I expected would end with me declaring Open Marriage (followed by her declaring Divorce) something finally "clicked" for her and she saw that all I wanted was completely reasonable: a normal sex life! Like we used to have. This was many years ago and we remain married with a regular sex life. Agree it's certainly all "just for me" but she has a loving attitude and puts on a believable performance in bed.

My point is: do not accept an unhappy sexless marriage. Be crystal clear about your needs. If your partner will no longer meet them, declare Open Marriage.

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

There's the door.
If you are going to have a "ton of resentment" over a normal sex life with your husband, please just leave and don't remarry.

That's the point. You won't know. Normal is not threatening their spouse into submission. You being on here 24/7 complaining about the same thing isn't normal either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

Not me. Not many others.

-np

The point is if the low sex drive is truly the only issue, it's likely something physical (like low T) that can be fixed easily.

Not if the low drive spouse is a woman...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Selfish is a vile word. Why doesn't the English language have a way to describe when a woman's priorities don't center around someone else?

Sex is foundational in a marriage. For centuries is was the sole reason for getting married (other than tying families together)---to have sex!

Dirty, dirty, selfish OP for wanting what is absolutely normal in a marriage. What the hell is wrong with people? To be lonely in your marriage is it's own kind of hell. This is the world OP inhabits. She's doing her part. DH won't even see a doctor, and dares to pathologize his own DW's sexual needs.

This kind of shut down is seen all over this board. The pain is palpable.

No answers here, OP, just loads of empathy. I am very sorry you're in this situation.

I also married quickly after a bad break up and sought stability. My guy turned mean, real mean. So, the relationship didn't last. But, I had to field questions constantly about what I did. My answer became, "What can you do with a mean man?" and that finally shut people up. There's this idea that you're at fault. You're NOT. I gave XH an soft ultimatum, either we work on the marriage or there won't be one. He made his choice. I made mine. And, it's been over six years of him regretting his mistake.

There is nothing wrong with demanding a blood test. There is nothing in the world wrong with you needing what you need to be a happy wife. Try to follow up on each of the suggestions offered by the well-meaning PPs and ignore the rest. Ignore the selfish, the diva, the "you knew when you married him," crowd and find peace for yourself.

You only get one shot at life, and it goes so quickly. Stop waiting for him to wake up. Make the demands and prepare a way forward for yourself---whatever form that may take.

Np.
Pp, you obviously had no kids with the man. When you have 2 kids, yes it is pathologically selfish to divorce kids' dad for no other reason thanbecause you want sex more than you are getting. Sorry pp, but your post does sound pathologically selfish and self involved. To use tour words, what you get "only one shot at", is raising healthy and well adjusted little people. (That are not subjected to a third adult AP interloping in their parent's marriage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

Not me. Not many others.

-np

The point is if the low sex drive is truly the only issue, it's likely something physical (like low T) that can be fixed easily.

Will that magic pill make the other spouse attracted to them? Will it ensure dh takes out the garbage weekly and cook 2 times a week and change diapers? DH doesn't like to do any of those things and those are my requirements and needs. I will promptly take him to the doctor if he can be "fixed".

[Anonymous]

OP, you owe it to your kids to stay married and sane. You need sex to stay sane. Have an affair. Regardless of what you read, most people in your situation don't stay faithful. Just make sure he is married and stable, with as much to lose as you do.

[Anonymous]

lol Yeah great advice. OP will be on the news shot by AP's spouse or something else really bad.

OP get divorced or put your priorities in the proper order. Therein lies the real problem, it's not just your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

There's the door.
If you are going to have a "ton of resentment" over a normal sex life with your husband, please just leave and don't remarry.

That's the point. You won't know. Normal is not threatening their spouse into submission. You being on here 24/7 complaining about the same thing isn't normal either.

My post was not a complaint. It is advice to other unhappy men and women (like OP) suffering in a low sex marriage.
But since you missed my advice, I will restate it:

Be crystal clear with your partner that having a normal sexlife is a dealbreaker for you.
This is not a threat, not an ultimatum, just you being open and honest.
No normal person with a normal sex drive can be happy if stuck in a low sex marriage. You are not a "bad parent" to have normal sexual desires, it is your partner who is defective.
Once you've communicated this fact, and are certain your partner understands in no uncertain terms this is a dealbreaker yet he/she insists on selfishly ignoring the relationship, then you have a defacto Open Marriage and can proceed to meet your normal sexual needs elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Will that magic pill make the other spouse attracted to them? Will it ensure dh takes out the garbage weekly and cook 2 times a week and change diapers? DH doesn't like to do any of those things and those are my requirements and needs. I will promptly take him to the doctor if he can be "fixed".

Have heard and read this here on DCUM numerous times - but as soon as these "needs" are met, the goalposts are moved yet again. You, PP, may be the lone exception, but sorry, this just is not tue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I seriously doubt it. And I will be she has a ton of resentments toward you if not hatred. Women are good actresses, I hear it all the time.

There's the door.
If you are going to have a "ton of resentment" over a normal sex life with your husband, please just leave and don't remarry.

That's the point. You won't know. Normal is not threatening their spouse into submission. You being on here 24/7 complaining about the same thing isn't normal either.

My post was not a complaint. It is advice to other unhappy men and women (like OP) suffering in a low sex marriage.
But since you missed my advice, I will restate it:

Be crystal clear with your partner that having a normal sexlife is a dealbreaker for you.
This is not a threat, not an ultimatum, just you being open and honest.
No normal person with a normal sex drive can be happy if stuck in a low sex marriage. You are not a "bad parent" to have normal sexual desires, it is your partner who is defective.
Once you've communicated this fact, and are certain your partner understands in no uncertain terms this is a dealbreaker yet he/she insists on selfishly ignoring the relationship, then you have a defacto Open Marriage and can proceed to meet your normal sexual needs elsewhere.

"defacto Open Marriage."

When you advise one to cheat your entire message is disregarded as nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Will that magic pill make the other spouse attracted to them? Will it ensure dh takes out the garbage weekly and cook 2 times a week and change diapers? DH doesn't like to do any of those things and those are my requirements and needs. I will promptly take him to the doctor if he can be "fixed".

Have heard and read this here on DCUM numerous times - but as soon as these "needs" are met, the goalposts are moved yet again. You, PP, may be the lone exception, but sorry, this just is not tue

+1.